10-12-2016, 08:33 PM
Of course he knows exactly how bad it’s been without my light. His quiet concern and the gentle touch of his lips to my neck are a little bit too much for me to keep being mad so I don’t have to collapse into a stupid puddle of tears, and a few strays leak out of my damn eyes and trickle down my cheeks. “I know, Rhory. It’s just...God, I’m so fucking tired of being sad, you know? I feel like I’ve been sad for years, and I hate being sad, I’d rather be angry any day than feeling like I can’t breathe because another thing I thought was mine forever is just gone and every time I forget and try to call the light I just feel so goddamn alone…”
It’s like losing everyone all over again. Every single time. It’s like every time I’d wake up expecting Gendry to be there and he wasn’t. Like every time I waited up for my girls to come home and they didn’t. Like every goddamn mother I ever lost. Like the years I spent hurting because I’d lost Rhory, my heart breaking because I had loved him too much and not enough. Somehow I always seemed to be too much and not enough. And all of that comes flooding back every single goddamn time, and it kills me.
“I just don’t want to be sad anymore, Rhory,” I murmur, my voice shaking as I try not to break the fuck down. Again. God, it hurts to breathe, but I look up and meet his eyes, and there’s something so calming about that summer sky blue. So I wipe my cheek against his shoulder and sniffle a little, and try to remember what else he’d asked.
Oh, right. I snort and shrug. “Hell if I know. But I haven’t exactly gone out of my way to talk to people, you know? It’d be pretty fucking dumb if it was just me, though.” Or just a little too cruel, really. I don’t quite think the world hates me that much. And besides, I didn’t do anything to piss it off recently. It or any asshole magicians, so. “Probably it’s more than just me. I fucking hope, anyhow. Not that I’d wish it on anyone, but...well...I kind of do.”
Oh, and he wants to find a home with me! Oh good! “No, I want to! I just, you know, I didn’t know if you wanted to, and I didn’t want it to be a big thing if you didn’t, it’s not, or I mean, it wouldn’t have to be, but you do? Because I don’t want to live in the goddamn Meadow, and I mean, I’d live here if you wanted but it might...you know, be nice to have a real home for once. I know we’ve never done that before. Or. I mean. Not with other people. Not quite.” I bite my lip and sigh, and admit, “I just...I don’t want to be alone anymore, Rhory.”
It’s like losing everyone all over again. Every single time. It’s like every time I’d wake up expecting Gendry to be there and he wasn’t. Like every time I waited up for my girls to come home and they didn’t. Like every goddamn mother I ever lost. Like the years I spent hurting because I’d lost Rhory, my heart breaking because I had loved him too much and not enough. Somehow I always seemed to be too much and not enough. And all of that comes flooding back every single goddamn time, and it kills me.
“I just don’t want to be sad anymore, Rhory,” I murmur, my voice shaking as I try not to break the fuck down. Again. God, it hurts to breathe, but I look up and meet his eyes, and there’s something so calming about that summer sky blue. So I wipe my cheek against his shoulder and sniffle a little, and try to remember what else he’d asked.
Oh, right. I snort and shrug. “Hell if I know. But I haven’t exactly gone out of my way to talk to people, you know? It’d be pretty fucking dumb if it was just me, though.” Or just a little too cruel, really. I don’t quite think the world hates me that much. And besides, I didn’t do anything to piss it off recently. It or any asshole magicians, so. “Probably it’s more than just me. I fucking hope, anyhow. Not that I’d wish it on anyone, but...well...I kind of do.”
Oh, and he wants to find a home with me! Oh good! “No, I want to! I just, you know, I didn’t know if you wanted to, and I didn’t want it to be a big thing if you didn’t, it’s not, or I mean, it wouldn’t have to be, but you do? Because I don’t want to live in the goddamn Meadow, and I mean, I’d live here if you wanted but it might...you know, be nice to have a real home for once. I know we’ve never done that before. Or. I mean. Not with other people. Not quite.” I bite my lip and sigh, and admit, “I just...I don’t want to be alone anymore, Rhory.”