Well this is awkward[Satire]

[satire]

If you pet your pet rock enough times it will erode and you'll be alone again. Satty is totally ready to be a cool father. He has a lot to teach children, many pieces of lore, like about how he was once king of sand, and about how someone totally banged him at least once (maybe save that story for when the kid is older). He already has the dad bod, or really more like three dad bods smashed together, which is actually like U L T I M A T E  DAD BOD, which totally qualifies him to parent. He ignores her Bad Language (they’ll have to talk about this, set good examples and stuff for the baby) and smiles beatifically. In his head it was a beatific smile, anyway; in reality it was sort of creepy. Lucky Satty is a pretty nice guy, and I don’t mean a Nice Guy ™, like those guys who “aren’t like other guys” but still get friendzoned then turn into bitter little neckbeard manbabies. We mean he is actually pretty nice. An idiot, yes. An affront to natural selection, yes. But nice. “Make love?” he asks, and I cringe a little, using that word even in this fictional wonderland, “absolutely. It was beautiful.” He sheds a single year. It’s magnificent. And though Satty’s emotional intelligence is about as low as his…other intelligence (spatial? Mathy? General? I don’t know what word I need. Also I’ve misspelled intelligence 2 3 times now and will use spellcheck to hide my shame but nothing makes me feel more stupid than doing that). Anyway, although it’s low, he notices she kind of looks in pain. Sometimes horses just have that expression when he talks to them, though. It’s a weird phenomenon unexplainable by nature. “Are you okay?” he asks, then, “is our progeny coming?” Progeny is a word he heard once and thinks makes him sound hella smart, so he uses it regardless of all the better-fitting words for the flow of this post and the Atmosphere ™ we are building here. (I copied the ™ symbol for the earlier joke and must now use it at every opportunity. Do not cut and paste only to waste, is my incredibly rhyming motto I just made up.) To conclude: Satty ™ Cares ™ About ™ Her ™. (AN: I wonder if excessive use of the ™ symbol is gonna get me Sued ™.)