06-29-2016, 08:48 PM
“You are my Nevi.”
I would melt into her if I could in this moment, turn liquid and linger on her skin for a lifetime. I let her into the darkness and she didn't run, she didn't turn away, she just wrapped herself around me and called me hers. What the hell did I ever do to deserve her? Her lips brush against my shoulder, and I draw in a shaky breath, startled by the way that touch makes my skin tingle, makes my insides warm and just a little fluttery.
“I love you, Lee,” I murmur, pressing my lips into the soft spot where her neck and shoulder meet. Her words may not have erased the truth of my name, may not have torn out the stitches holding those letters into my soul, but the pain has eased. Just standing beside her, just holding her close casts light into dark, softening the jagged edges inside even if only for a little while.
She holds me close, quiet now, the only sound between us the beat of our hearts and the slow rhythm of our breath. And we don't need any words, not in this moment. All that exists is the feel of her body against mine, the silk of her hair as I rub my cheek against her mane. The way my heartbeat picks up just a little whenever she shifts her weight or touches my skin with the soft of her nose.
Then she speaks, and my heart races at the hesitant way she speaks my name, quiet and gentle and maybe even a little nervous. Her question is one I haven't given much thought to, though I should have done. I'm almost three now, a man grown I suppose, though by all accounts I still feel like the ghost of a boy I was when Mom found me.
“I...I don't know, Lee. I hadn't really thought much about it. I...I mean, our family is here. Mom and Dad, and all our siblings.” And Argo. Just thinking his name makes my heart ache in ways I don't have the words to express, and the thought of leaving...“I don't think I fit in the Tundra, is the thing. I don't mean with our family or anything, just...I don't want to become a Brother. Or. To join the Brotherhood, I mean. I love being a brother. I...” Sighing, I rub my face against her hair again.
“I don't want to leave. But I'm not a man of the Tundra. If anything, I am a man of...I don't know, Lee. Of our family. I wish the Tundra had herd lands. It would be really nice, you know? To live somewhere close, and...and maybe bring home little ones from the Den. If. I mean...it just, it hurts my heart to think of other kids growing up lost like we were. Even for a little while. Nobody to love them and take care of them and tell them everything's going to be alright. That they are home, and wanted, and they didn't deserve to be left in the dirt like they were nothing. That we—or, I mean.”
I look away, unable to meet her eyes. Because of course she's there, in my little daydream of a possible future. Her and Argo both, though I hardly deserve to hope, let alone dare to. “I mean. If you wanted. We, if you wanted. Or just me, or just me and Argo if he wanted, if you didn't, or all three of us, but you wouldn't have to just because I did. Obviously. And I have no idea if he'd want to either so I mean if you think it's dumb or you don't want to, that's okay. It's just. You know, just a thought. An idea. Just. It would be nice, that's all.” I glance back at her, barely meeting her eyes. “What...what do you want to do? Do you want to stay here? Or...?”
I would melt into her if I could in this moment, turn liquid and linger on her skin for a lifetime. I let her into the darkness and she didn't run, she didn't turn away, she just wrapped herself around me and called me hers. What the hell did I ever do to deserve her? Her lips brush against my shoulder, and I draw in a shaky breath, startled by the way that touch makes my skin tingle, makes my insides warm and just a little fluttery.
“I love you, Lee,” I murmur, pressing my lips into the soft spot where her neck and shoulder meet. Her words may not have erased the truth of my name, may not have torn out the stitches holding those letters into my soul, but the pain has eased. Just standing beside her, just holding her close casts light into dark, softening the jagged edges inside even if only for a little while.
She holds me close, quiet now, the only sound between us the beat of our hearts and the slow rhythm of our breath. And we don't need any words, not in this moment. All that exists is the feel of her body against mine, the silk of her hair as I rub my cheek against her mane. The way my heartbeat picks up just a little whenever she shifts her weight or touches my skin with the soft of her nose.
Then she speaks, and my heart races at the hesitant way she speaks my name, quiet and gentle and maybe even a little nervous. Her question is one I haven't given much thought to, though I should have done. I'm almost three now, a man grown I suppose, though by all accounts I still feel like the ghost of a boy I was when Mom found me.
“I...I don't know, Lee. I hadn't really thought much about it. I...I mean, our family is here. Mom and Dad, and all our siblings.” And Argo. Just thinking his name makes my heart ache in ways I don't have the words to express, and the thought of leaving...“I don't think I fit in the Tundra, is the thing. I don't mean with our family or anything, just...I don't want to become a Brother. Or. To join the Brotherhood, I mean. I love being a brother. I...” Sighing, I rub my face against her hair again.
“I don't want to leave. But I'm not a man of the Tundra. If anything, I am a man of...I don't know, Lee. Of our family. I wish the Tundra had herd lands. It would be really nice, you know? To live somewhere close, and...and maybe bring home little ones from the Den. If. I mean...it just, it hurts my heart to think of other kids growing up lost like we were. Even for a little while. Nobody to love them and take care of them and tell them everything's going to be alright. That they are home, and wanted, and they didn't deserve to be left in the dirt like they were nothing. That we—or, I mean.”
I look away, unable to meet her eyes. Because of course she's there, in my little daydream of a possible future. Her and Argo both, though I hardly deserve to hope, let alone dare to. “I mean. If you wanted. We, if you wanted. Or just me, or just me and Argo if he wanted, if you didn't, or all three of us, but you wouldn't have to just because I did. Obviously. And I have no idea if he'd want to either so I mean if you think it's dumb or you don't want to, that's okay. It's just. You know, just a thought. An idea. Just. It would be nice, that's all.” I glance back at her, barely meeting her eyes. “What...what do you want to do? Do you want to stay here? Or...?”