06-29-2016, 07:50 PM
"You are my Nevi. I will always call you that." I say against his skin. I didn't care what his birth mother had called him. He was not Neverwas. She was a bad mom who should have never ever named him something like that. The damage was done, I know now why there was so much sadness in his heart. Why he always had the look in his eyes that was so dark and so lonely. I know now why he hid in these dark caves and ached for the pain. Because of her, because his birth mom had been careless in her name choice for him. He was not Neverwas. "You are Nevi. Never again will you be Neverwas." I say, touching my lips to the curve of his shoulder.
Then I am laying my head back along his back and holding him some more. My heart thump, thump, thumping against his chest. It still hurts, I still feel the sadness there and the darkness that could follow. It is more manageable now for some reason. Perhaps because there is clarity where I hadn't had any before. I sigh softly, then inhale his scent. I press my nose against his skin. My ears flicker when he talks again and while I know he will never be healed until he can heal himself, I know that I can hold him and love him and be his friend in the darkness. I will stay there for him. I will linger in the shadows and then pull him into the light.
I am quiet for a long while, content to let our skin touch and to feel our hearts beat together. I am happy to feel his breath on my skin and his lips on my skin. I am happy to hear his breath and feel it as he breathes out. I am happy to just be here with him.
"Nevi?" I say after a long while of silence. "Where are you going to go when we are big? Do you think you are going to stay here in the Tundra?" And this somehow makes my heart hurt a little. I don't want him to stay here. I don't want to stay here. I want to leave one day, make my own place. But I would rather make it with him. I want to go where he goes and be with him. I, selfishly, want to have all of him. I want to have his continuing support even when we are bigger. I want to have his love and I want to be able to give him all he needs in return.
I say none of this. My eyes on the darkness behind him, although I really don't see it. I am off in my own thoughts, waiting for his answer.
Then I am laying my head back along his back and holding him some more. My heart thump, thump, thumping against his chest. It still hurts, I still feel the sadness there and the darkness that could follow. It is more manageable now for some reason. Perhaps because there is clarity where I hadn't had any before. I sigh softly, then inhale his scent. I press my nose against his skin. My ears flicker when he talks again and while I know he will never be healed until he can heal himself, I know that I can hold him and love him and be his friend in the darkness. I will stay there for him. I will linger in the shadows and then pull him into the light.
I am quiet for a long while, content to let our skin touch and to feel our hearts beat together. I am happy to feel his breath on my skin and his lips on my skin. I am happy to hear his breath and feel it as he breathes out. I am happy to just be here with him.
"Nevi?" I say after a long while of silence. "Where are you going to go when we are big? Do you think you are going to stay here in the Tundra?" And this somehow makes my heart hurt a little. I don't want him to stay here. I don't want to stay here. I want to leave one day, make my own place. But I would rather make it with him. I want to go where he goes and be with him. I, selfishly, want to have all of him. I want to have his continuing support even when we are bigger. I want to have his love and I want to be able to give him all he needs in return.
I say none of this. My eyes on the darkness behind him, although I really don't see it. I am off in my own thoughts, waiting for his answer.