06-10-2016, 10:10 PM
“You shouldn't call me that,” I whisper against her skin as the tears slow and exhaustion overtakes me. She should know, if she doesn't already. I never told her, never wanted her to look at me and see Neverwas, but I don't know what the rest of the family has said. “It's only a half-truth, a pretty little lie Mom gave me when she found me. Not a lie, exactly, no. But not quite a truth. It's only half my name. I'm Neverwas.” I can't meet her eyes, couldn't bear to be so naked right now, so I bury my face in her hair.
It's been two years since I heard my name out loud, since I stumbled over introducing myself to Mom, unable to meet her eyes as I told her what my mother had called me. I think...I think I might hate her, the heartless bitch who stitched sorrow into my soul with eight little letters. Or maybe she just saw truth there, and wasn't afraid to speak it. I'll never know for sure, but she was right to walk away from me that day, to leave me to waste into nothing but food for a few hungry scavengers.
Maybe it would have been the same wolves that hunted us barely a year later. There's a sick rightness to it; maybe that wolf was always meant to taste my blood. Maybe he will again, maybe he'll chase me through life until he finally brings me down and feasts on my flesh. It might not be so bad, being eaten. I guess we all will be in the end, our bodies broken down and turned into food for countless other creatures, even turned into grass and devoured by our brethren. How many recycled dead have I devoured today alone?
I sigh against Lee's skin, rubbing my cheek against her mane and trying to chase away the darkness that has crept from my heart into my head. “You're right about that, though, Lee. I was meant to find you, to bring you here. We were meant to find each other.” That's something I would never take back, not even to change all the rest. All the failure, all the pain, disappointing everyone I have ever loved, everything I've ever gotten wrong is nothing next to that. I may not have gotten a whole lot right so far, but Lee is the top of that list.
“I love you too, Lee. I think I already loved you some when you bolted out of that cave the first day, and I only love you more with every one that passes. You and Argo, you're my very best friends.” I love all my siblings, but there is...there is something special about the way Lee sees into the darkest parts of me and still holds on for all she's worth. With Mari and Lissie, I'm...I'm afraid to let them see too deep, afraid to let the dark touch them. Lee knows darkness, though. She knows what it is to be lost, even if she's done a much better job than I ever did of being found.
It's been two years since I heard my name out loud, since I stumbled over introducing myself to Mom, unable to meet her eyes as I told her what my mother had called me. I think...I think I might hate her, the heartless bitch who stitched sorrow into my soul with eight little letters. Or maybe she just saw truth there, and wasn't afraid to speak it. I'll never know for sure, but she was right to walk away from me that day, to leave me to waste into nothing but food for a few hungry scavengers.
Maybe it would have been the same wolves that hunted us barely a year later. There's a sick rightness to it; maybe that wolf was always meant to taste my blood. Maybe he will again, maybe he'll chase me through life until he finally brings me down and feasts on my flesh. It might not be so bad, being eaten. I guess we all will be in the end, our bodies broken down and turned into food for countless other creatures, even turned into grass and devoured by our brethren. How many recycled dead have I devoured today alone?
I sigh against Lee's skin, rubbing my cheek against her mane and trying to chase away the darkness that has crept from my heart into my head. “You're right about that, though, Lee. I was meant to find you, to bring you here. We were meant to find each other.” That's something I would never take back, not even to change all the rest. All the failure, all the pain, disappointing everyone I have ever loved, everything I've ever gotten wrong is nothing next to that. I may not have gotten a whole lot right so far, but Lee is the top of that list.
“I love you too, Lee. I think I already loved you some when you bolted out of that cave the first day, and I only love you more with every one that passes. You and Argo, you're my very best friends.” I love all my siblings, but there is...there is something special about the way Lee sees into the darkest parts of me and still holds on for all she's worth. With Mari and Lissie, I'm...I'm afraid to let them see too deep, afraid to let the dark touch them. Lee knows darkness, though. She knows what it is to be lost, even if she's done a much better job than I ever did of being found.