06-06-2016, 08:55 PM
Oh god. The rips and shreds of his words to my heart are agony, but I hope him as his words fall broken from his lips, as his body begins to shake and shudder and then when the tears fall from his face into my hair and wetting my skin. I hold him, so tight I feel like I might hurt him but I continue on anyways. I hold him tight against me, so our hearts thump together, both faster than normal as the angst between us surfaces. But they thump together, thump, thump, thump.
I wait for all the words to be done falling from his lips and I cannot help the small burst of anger that begins to burn in my chest. I love our parents, and am more grateful than I can ever express to them for taking me in, for giving me a home and happiness and love. For giving Nevi a home. For taking in Mari. But where were they right now when he needed them the most? When he was in his cave for days and I was finally the only one to go find him?
It might not be fair of me to think this way but it burns there, smolders in my chest as I think of how long they have been letting him hurt this way. I know that it is just as much his fault for keeping it so bottled up, but they were his parents. They were the ones that were supposed to hurt for us. They were the ones that were supposed to take our pain away when they could.
I close my eyes briefly, holding him still so tightly that my neck was starting to hurt. I wait until I hide that anger away, until I can push it back so that it's not making him hurt more. When I can, when the tightness of it finally goes away and I can breath again, I open my eyes. The darkness behind him seems to reach for him, lingering across his skin. My ears flicker backwards, falling briefly into my mane.
"Nevi." I say firmly. I step back, finally releasing him, although I stay relatively close. But I want him to see my eyes, to see the seriousness of this as I talk to him. As I try to help my....brother. (This curiously makes my heart heavy to think of him in this light as my brother.) "It was not your fault. It is not your fault that those wolves attacked you, that mom decided to leave the Tundra against dad's wishes. It is not your fault that Lissie was born outside the Tundra. It's mom's fault." I take a breath, that anger stirring in me again. "She should not have left so pregnant, should not have taken you or Argo in the dead of winter someplace that wasn't safe. It was not your fault that the wolves bit you or made her bleed. It is not your damn fault Nevi. It's mom's. Mom is the parent, she should have known better."
I can't help the anger that curls in my chest. I try, I try so hard to push it back down. "I'm sorry Nevi. Please, please don't ever say that you are not worth what you have. You are. You are my sunshine on a dark day and I've watched you with Argo and the way you make him smile. You make us all feel so worth it, so loved, why can you not realize that we love you just as much? You were not supposed to die, if you had, then you would have. Mom would have never found you in the Adoption Den, and you would have died, if that was the way it was meant to be. You were meant to be found, to find me, to be apart of this family." My chest hurt from the pain of hearing my Nevi tell me it was his fault and he didn't deserve to live.
I go back to him, pressing my heart back against his. My chest is almost heaving as I try to keep my emotions from overwhelming me, from overwhelming us both. I wrap myself in his scent, in his embrace again and hold him to me. I squeeze my eyes close tightly, wrapping myself so tightly to him I lose sense of where he starts and I end. "I love you Nevi, more than you will ever realize. And you are worth every single centimeter of it."
.
I wait for all the words to be done falling from his lips and I cannot help the small burst of anger that begins to burn in my chest. I love our parents, and am more grateful than I can ever express to them for taking me in, for giving me a home and happiness and love. For giving Nevi a home. For taking in Mari. But where were they right now when he needed them the most? When he was in his cave for days and I was finally the only one to go find him?
It might not be fair of me to think this way but it burns there, smolders in my chest as I think of how long they have been letting him hurt this way. I know that it is just as much his fault for keeping it so bottled up, but they were his parents. They were the ones that were supposed to hurt for us. They were the ones that were supposed to take our pain away when they could.
I close my eyes briefly, holding him still so tightly that my neck was starting to hurt. I wait until I hide that anger away, until I can push it back so that it's not making him hurt more. When I can, when the tightness of it finally goes away and I can breath again, I open my eyes. The darkness behind him seems to reach for him, lingering across his skin. My ears flicker backwards, falling briefly into my mane.
"Nevi." I say firmly. I step back, finally releasing him, although I stay relatively close. But I want him to see my eyes, to see the seriousness of this as I talk to him. As I try to help my....brother. (This curiously makes my heart heavy to think of him in this light as my brother.) "It was not your fault. It is not your fault that those wolves attacked you, that mom decided to leave the Tundra against dad's wishes. It is not your fault that Lissie was born outside the Tundra. It's mom's fault." I take a breath, that anger stirring in me again. "She should not have left so pregnant, should not have taken you or Argo in the dead of winter someplace that wasn't safe. It was not your fault that the wolves bit you or made her bleed. It is not your damn fault Nevi. It's mom's. Mom is the parent, she should have known better."
I can't help the anger that curls in my chest. I try, I try so hard to push it back down. "I'm sorry Nevi. Please, please don't ever say that you are not worth what you have. You are. You are my sunshine on a dark day and I've watched you with Argo and the way you make him smile. You make us all feel so worth it, so loved, why can you not realize that we love you just as much? You were not supposed to die, if you had, then you would have. Mom would have never found you in the Adoption Den, and you would have died, if that was the way it was meant to be. You were meant to be found, to find me, to be apart of this family." My chest hurt from the pain of hearing my Nevi tell me it was his fault and he didn't deserve to live.
I go back to him, pressing my heart back against his. My chest is almost heaving as I try to keep my emotions from overwhelming me, from overwhelming us both. I wrap myself in his scent, in his embrace again and hold him to me. I squeeze my eyes close tightly, wrapping myself so tightly to him I lose sense of where he starts and I end. "I love you Nevi, more than you will ever realize. And you are worth every single centimeter of it."
.