06-06-2016, 05:49 AM
“This is different, Lee,” I whisper against her skin, burying my face in her mane to hide from the way my voice is trembling, from how fragile I feel with each shaky breath. “They almost died.” I can still see one of the wolves catching Mom's throat, can still hear the way jaws snapped shut so close to Argo, can still feel teeth sinking into my leg. It still hurts with every step, every shift of my weight and it should. I deserve so much worse. They should've killed me, should've torn me apart and swallowed me down, except that would have been so much worse for Mom and Argo. Seeing that? No, no, I can't wish that either, not quite. Not knowing how it would have hurt them.
Her lips on my shoulder feel different somehow, make my heart beat a little faster. Strange. She's kissed me a thousand times, gentle brushes of her lips on my skin. I've done the same, casual little touches that anchor us together, that whisper I love you and you're safe to children who still know what it was to be lost. Still, my ears flick back with uncertainty, a nervous fluttering in my belly as I return the gesture with a feather-light kiss to the side of her neck.
“We found each other, Lee. And you do belong. You're mine, you're ours, always, just like we're yours. No matter what. You know that, right? You don't ever have to be lost again. We'll always find you.” Pouring out those truths is so much easier than the words she asks of me. Telling her how much I love her, how welcome she is, how much she means to me, that's as easy as breathing. But letting her in? Letting her see into the dark, see all the jagged pieces of my shattered-glass heart? It's not just my voice that's trembling anymore; my whole body does, my breath coming in silent little gasps, almost hyperventilating as I try to find words for something so big.
“I don't know how,” is a broken whisper as it falls from my lips, but I try anyhow. For her. “I just...it's just, I sometimes feel...like I'm drowning. Like...like there's something wrapped around my chest, squeezing, and I can't breathe. I got it all wrong, Lee. I should have gone and found Dad, should have done it differently, and if I'd been better, or smarter, or thought, it would've never happened. But I couldn't go get Dad, couldn't leave Mom and Argo alone, and I couldn't make Argo go back to get Dad, and I couldn't make Mom turn around, and what good am I if I can't even keep the people I love safe? And I tried to protect them, I did, but they still almost died and I couldn't stop it. I couldn't do anything, not for Mom and Lissie or for Argo, and if Dad had been there he could've protected them. I should've gotten Dad, and I didn't and it's all my fault.”
Once the words start, I can't stop them; they spill from my lips like the blood poured from my leg and there's nothing I can do to stem the flow. “I screwed up, Lee, and it almost cost us everything. Don't you see that? I almost ruined everything, almost broke the whole family. They should never have adopted me, they should have just left me in the Den, I don't deserve any of this. No one should love me, Isle never should have found me, I should have died like my mother said I would. I was never supposed to survive, and maybe if I'd gotten that right—I tried to leave, I tried to go so I couldn't break it all, couldn't wreck everything, but I'm a coward. Too scared of the dark, just one little step and I couldn't have hurt anyone ever again but I couldn't do it and I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, Lee.”
I don't know when I started crying, didn't notice the tears running down my cheeks and into her hair. I should let her go but I can't stop myself from clinging to her. I need the beat of her heart next to mine, need the way she holds onto me like maybe I'm not ruin, need the smell of family on her skin telling me I belong whether I deserve it or not. “I'm broken, and I'm weak, and I'm scared, and I'm so, so sorry. I just want to sleep, just want to not hurt anymore but I don't know how to make it stop.”
Her lips on my shoulder feel different somehow, make my heart beat a little faster. Strange. She's kissed me a thousand times, gentle brushes of her lips on my skin. I've done the same, casual little touches that anchor us together, that whisper I love you and you're safe to children who still know what it was to be lost. Still, my ears flick back with uncertainty, a nervous fluttering in my belly as I return the gesture with a feather-light kiss to the side of her neck.
“We found each other, Lee. And you do belong. You're mine, you're ours, always, just like we're yours. No matter what. You know that, right? You don't ever have to be lost again. We'll always find you.” Pouring out those truths is so much easier than the words she asks of me. Telling her how much I love her, how welcome she is, how much she means to me, that's as easy as breathing. But letting her in? Letting her see into the dark, see all the jagged pieces of my shattered-glass heart? It's not just my voice that's trembling anymore; my whole body does, my breath coming in silent little gasps, almost hyperventilating as I try to find words for something so big.
“I don't know how,” is a broken whisper as it falls from my lips, but I try anyhow. For her. “I just...it's just, I sometimes feel...like I'm drowning. Like...like there's something wrapped around my chest, squeezing, and I can't breathe. I got it all wrong, Lee. I should have gone and found Dad, should have done it differently, and if I'd been better, or smarter, or thought, it would've never happened. But I couldn't go get Dad, couldn't leave Mom and Argo alone, and I couldn't make Argo go back to get Dad, and I couldn't make Mom turn around, and what good am I if I can't even keep the people I love safe? And I tried to protect them, I did, but they still almost died and I couldn't stop it. I couldn't do anything, not for Mom and Lissie or for Argo, and if Dad had been there he could've protected them. I should've gotten Dad, and I didn't and it's all my fault.”
Once the words start, I can't stop them; they spill from my lips like the blood poured from my leg and there's nothing I can do to stem the flow. “I screwed up, Lee, and it almost cost us everything. Don't you see that? I almost ruined everything, almost broke the whole family. They should never have adopted me, they should have just left me in the Den, I don't deserve any of this. No one should love me, Isle never should have found me, I should have died like my mother said I would. I was never supposed to survive, and maybe if I'd gotten that right—I tried to leave, I tried to go so I couldn't break it all, couldn't wreck everything, but I'm a coward. Too scared of the dark, just one little step and I couldn't have hurt anyone ever again but I couldn't do it and I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, Lee.”
I don't know when I started crying, didn't notice the tears running down my cheeks and into her hair. I should let her go but I can't stop myself from clinging to her. I need the beat of her heart next to mine, need the way she holds onto me like maybe I'm not ruin, need the smell of family on her skin telling me I belong whether I deserve it or not. “I'm broken, and I'm weak, and I'm scared, and I'm so, so sorry. I just want to sleep, just want to not hurt anymore but I don't know how to make it stop.”