“I love you too, Leelee." His words are a balm to my heart, it soothes some part of me that I didn't know needed it. But I let them, let his love wash over me and do all I can to send my own love to wash over him. Sometimes I wish I could just crack his brain open, to read the darkness that lingers there behind his eyes. Sometimes I wish I could mind read so I could just slip behind his sad eyes and take every piece of darkness from his soul. He was too good, too kind, too loving for all of this pain. For all of this blame that he keeps placing upon himself. I wish I knew. I wish I knew so I could argue with him and tell him that he was all wrong, that it wasn't his fault and sometimes these things just happen.
"Life happens Nevi. Sometimes it makes it seem like we did it to ourselves, but in reality it's not anyone's fault." I murmur, but know he can hear me. "Was it my fault that my birth mom left me in the Den? I thought so. I thought so every day until my heart was nothing more than a callous in my chest and I tried to ignore the way it would bleed." My lips touch his shoulder. "But then I found you. Or you found me. And it thumped. My damn heart came alive in my chest for you. For this beautiful family that has taken us both in, Mari too."
It thumps against his chest almost to prove my point.
"You made me feel like I have a place I belong. The Tundra helps. So does mom and dad and our Mari and Lissie-doll and Argo. But it's you, you that soothes me."
And I feel like I might have thrown too much out there, placed too much of my soul and heart out there for him that it might hurt him some more. But maybe, even though it still scares the shit out of me to reveal these things, maybe it will help him, patch up some of those smaller cuts and smooth some of the ragged glass.
I am quiet as he talks again, my ears flickering and I squeeze him to me.
"Nevi...would you tell me? Tell me about all of the darkness in that hurts you? Maybe it will help to get it out?" So I can tell you how dumb it is to take the weight of the world onto your shoulders, to suffer with it all every day until your legs almost collapse and the thoughts of not being enough slice you apart. God please tell me, please let me in Nevi. I swear I won't let it hurt me too much. I swear I will be fine. Please just let me help you, let me help and love you the way that you love me." And some how all of those words I had thought I was keeping to myself, poured out into the air between us.
.
"Life happens Nevi. Sometimes it makes it seem like we did it to ourselves, but in reality it's not anyone's fault." I murmur, but know he can hear me. "Was it my fault that my birth mom left me in the Den? I thought so. I thought so every day until my heart was nothing more than a callous in my chest and I tried to ignore the way it would bleed." My lips touch his shoulder. "But then I found you. Or you found me. And it thumped. My damn heart came alive in my chest for you. For this beautiful family that has taken us both in, Mari too."
It thumps against his chest almost to prove my point.
"You made me feel like I have a place I belong. The Tundra helps. So does mom and dad and our Mari and Lissie-doll and Argo. But it's you, you that soothes me."
And I feel like I might have thrown too much out there, placed too much of my soul and heart out there for him that it might hurt him some more. But maybe, even though it still scares the shit out of me to reveal these things, maybe it will help him, patch up some of those smaller cuts and smooth some of the ragged glass.
I am quiet as he talks again, my ears flickering and I squeeze him to me.
"Nevi...would you tell me? Tell me about all of the darkness in that hurts you? Maybe it will help to get it out?" So I can tell you how dumb it is to take the weight of the world onto your shoulders, to suffer with it all every day until your legs almost collapse and the thoughts of not being enough slice you apart. God please tell me, please let me in Nevi. I swear I won't let it hurt me too much. I swear I will be fine. Please just let me help you, let me help and love you the way that you love me." And some how all of those words I had thought I was keeping to myself, poured out into the air between us.
.