05-24-2016, 04:29 PM
He was trying. God, he was trying, and still he found himself lying in the darkest part of his favorite little cave, the farthest back corner where the light didn't reach, rocking and curled in on himself as if he could collapse into nothing if he just tried hard enough. Everyone was okay. Really. Mom was healing, Argo was recovering, it was going to be okay. And if there was tension in the air between Mom and Dad, or sadness lingering when eyes sought out Argo, or worry when they stared at his leg which was healing fine, well all of that only made sense. Right?
No matter how many times Mom told him it wasn't his fault, no matter how fiercely she held him to her, he still couldn't shake the guilt, the shame that devoured him from the inside. He had come so close to ruining everything. To destroying his whole family, the greatest gift he had ever been given. All the strife between his parents was because of him. All the pain, all the worry, every moment of fear in their eyes as they watched Argo, wondering...and he still hadn't told them. He still kept his Argo's secret, and if he'd told maybe things would have been different.
He couldn't have, though, couldn't have betrayed his best friend's trust like that, couldn't have broken his promise and poured Argo's secret out on the ground at his parents' feet. He would never. He could never. No more than he could have resisted Argo's big brown eyes when his brother had insisted on coming along on their disastrous adventure too. No more than he could have obeyed when Mom told them to go home. He could have done nothing differently. Even if he could go back in time, he would not have been able to undo any of it.
His fault.
The cool rock wall of the cave pressed against his skin, chill sinking in to numb him to the bones once again. Numb was better. Numb made it easier to pretend, to lie, he shouldn't lie, it was bad to lie. He was bad, he was so bad, no, shh, Mom doesn't like it when you say things like that.
“Nevi?” He didn't respond, because Nevi should not be his name anymore. He was Neverwas, because if he never was, he could never hurt anyone. He could never leave his family broken, or burn paradise to the ground. There was no room for Nevi here, because Nevi was ruin. The only safe person to be anymore was Neverwas.
I am Neverwas.
But she persisted, struggling through the darkness toward him even though the light faded with every step, even though there were so many little places to stumble, to trip, to bruise a shin...it was one of the reasons he liked it so much. Sometimes he needed to hurt, and the wounds in his leg were healing too well to do the job. She beckoned him out into the light, and for her he would listen.
Drawing in a deep fortifying breath, he forced himself to his feet, breathing out a quiet hiss as he bore weight on his injured leg. He stumbled his way over to his sister, his Leelee; the one good thing he had done in his wretched life was bringing her home to the Tundra, bringing her into the family. She was worth sunlight blinding his eyes, trying to swallow him down, trying to burn away the shadows inside without knowing it would leave him empty.
When he reached her side, he rested his heavy head on her withers, breathing out a sigh that held the weight of the whole world in its grasp. “It hurts, Leelee,” he murmured against her skin, not quite sure if he could pull together enough of a lie to convince his perceptive sister that he just meant his leg. Those dark eyes of hers saw far too much, saw past the masks and the empty smiles all the way down to the desperate agony hiding behind dirt brown eyes. He tried to lie, but he knew she would know.
She always knew.
No matter how many times Mom told him it wasn't his fault, no matter how fiercely she held him to her, he still couldn't shake the guilt, the shame that devoured him from the inside. He had come so close to ruining everything. To destroying his whole family, the greatest gift he had ever been given. All the strife between his parents was because of him. All the pain, all the worry, every moment of fear in their eyes as they watched Argo, wondering...and he still hadn't told them. He still kept his Argo's secret, and if he'd told maybe things would have been different.
He couldn't have, though, couldn't have betrayed his best friend's trust like that, couldn't have broken his promise and poured Argo's secret out on the ground at his parents' feet. He would never. He could never. No more than he could have resisted Argo's big brown eyes when his brother had insisted on coming along on their disastrous adventure too. No more than he could have obeyed when Mom told them to go home. He could have done nothing differently. Even if he could go back in time, he would not have been able to undo any of it.
His fault.
The cool rock wall of the cave pressed against his skin, chill sinking in to numb him to the bones once again. Numb was better. Numb made it easier to pretend, to lie, he shouldn't lie, it was bad to lie. He was bad, he was so bad, no, shh, Mom doesn't like it when you say things like that.
“Nevi?” He didn't respond, because Nevi should not be his name anymore. He was Neverwas, because if he never was, he could never hurt anyone. He could never leave his family broken, or burn paradise to the ground. There was no room for Nevi here, because Nevi was ruin. The only safe person to be anymore was Neverwas.
I am Neverwas.
But she persisted, struggling through the darkness toward him even though the light faded with every step, even though there were so many little places to stumble, to trip, to bruise a shin...it was one of the reasons he liked it so much. Sometimes he needed to hurt, and the wounds in his leg were healing too well to do the job. She beckoned him out into the light, and for her he would listen.
Drawing in a deep fortifying breath, he forced himself to his feet, breathing out a quiet hiss as he bore weight on his injured leg. He stumbled his way over to his sister, his Leelee; the one good thing he had done in his wretched life was bringing her home to the Tundra, bringing her into the family. She was worth sunlight blinding his eyes, trying to swallow him down, trying to burn away the shadows inside without knowing it would leave him empty.
When he reached her side, he rested his heavy head on her withers, breathing out a sigh that held the weight of the whole world in its grasp. “It hurts, Leelee,” he murmured against her skin, not quite sure if he could pull together enough of a lie to convince his perceptive sister that he just meant his leg. Those dark eyes of hers saw far too much, saw past the masks and the empty smiles all the way down to the desperate agony hiding behind dirt brown eyes. He tried to lie, but he knew she would know.
She always knew.