05-10-2016, 05:35 PM
Even with my eyes closed, I can feel him following me, feel the lightning in his gaze on my skin. He carpeted the whole damn place in memories of fierce joy and wonder, and I can't even look without feeling myself slip farther, feeling the world lurch under me as it tries so goddamn hard to realign into one where all that matters is Us. The three of us, because he's so damn amazing with our little demon boy it steals the breath right out of my lungs and I need a goddamn minute but he's touching me, whisper-light caresses that barely feel real. And then he's pressed against me, holding me, and I could fucking kick him for making this so impossible.
Or wrap myself around him and never let go.
My mouth is moving toward his skin and I have no idea if I'm going to kiss him or sink my teeth in when he says my name. God, I love the sound of it on his lips and it annoys the fuck out of me. What do I care if he lied about something? Words are only words. They don't matter next to the delighted little shiver that runs through me as his lips and teeth trail up my back, as he lingers on my neck, making me melt into him and bare my throat to his touch. Words are nothing, just keep touching me. God, don't stop touching me. Except.
Those words sink in, and I pull back to stare at him, to search those endless black eyes of his and make damn sure he means every single one of them. And holy shit, he does. He's pouring himself out onto the damn magic carpet, offering me to catch me if I'll just fall into him. And it would be so easy to just let go, to dive right into his eyes and fall forever. “And then what?” I ask with far too much yearning in my voice, because I have more than just myself to think about. “You, me, and our new little demon, happily ever after? I don't know how to do this, Pazuzu.”
I had a really shitty example of what love is supposed to look like. One mom constantly running, doing her level best to sabotage what little relationship they had by dropping kids she had with someone else off on the other's doorstep and disappearing and then killing herself, and the other setting herself on fire, throwing away her whole life to chase after someone who thought the only way to love was to stay the hell away. Fighting even years after she was dead to hold onto someone who could never be held. I don't want that, I don't want any of it. “I don't have any fucking clue how to do this, but if I do? I'll be all in. And I won't accept anything less than the same. Either we're in this together or I'm not in it at all.”
And that's my line in the dirt. That's my goddamn cliff. I won't be my mom. Not either of them. Love means nothing, words mean nothing, unless you can fucking be there.
Or wrap myself around him and never let go.
My mouth is moving toward his skin and I have no idea if I'm going to kiss him or sink my teeth in when he says my name. God, I love the sound of it on his lips and it annoys the fuck out of me. What do I care if he lied about something? Words are only words. They don't matter next to the delighted little shiver that runs through me as his lips and teeth trail up my back, as he lingers on my neck, making me melt into him and bare my throat to his touch. Words are nothing, just keep touching me. God, don't stop touching me. Except.
Those words sink in, and I pull back to stare at him, to search those endless black eyes of his and make damn sure he means every single one of them. And holy shit, he does. He's pouring himself out onto the damn magic carpet, offering me to catch me if I'll just fall into him. And it would be so easy to just let go, to dive right into his eyes and fall forever. “And then what?” I ask with far too much yearning in my voice, because I have more than just myself to think about. “You, me, and our new little demon, happily ever after? I don't know how to do this, Pazuzu.”
I had a really shitty example of what love is supposed to look like. One mom constantly running, doing her level best to sabotage what little relationship they had by dropping kids she had with someone else off on the other's doorstep and disappearing and then killing herself, and the other setting herself on fire, throwing away her whole life to chase after someone who thought the only way to love was to stay the hell away. Fighting even years after she was dead to hold onto someone who could never be held. I don't want that, I don't want any of it. “I don't have any fucking clue how to do this, but if I do? I'll be all in. And I won't accept anything less than the same. Either we're in this together or I'm not in it at all.”
And that's my line in the dirt. That's my goddamn cliff. I won't be my mom. Not either of them. Love means nothing, words mean nothing, unless you can fucking be there.
Daeryssa
of the restless heart