ladies call me Subway cuz I've got low quality meat and lie about being 6 inches; any

[satire]

I think it's high time we started questioning the old cliches like "Grunt big for Daddy." This could only be a clear conspiracy to keep them from defeating the entire war (all of it); as Beqnana roiled and moaned under all the magic and barriers and magic barriers and dirt barriers and barrier-barriers, the ones who could save them – who were actually the Most Powerful – are distracted. He is distracted by the curve of bark and the meticulous shape of her (or his, technically Satire knows better than to gender trees but the tree seems achingly feminine) leaves. He is too distracted to save them all from themselves, too distracted to know how to defeat everyone with some cool ninja tricks he would undoubtedly know and be able to execute flawlessly. But the Great Beqanna Conspiracy has been pulled off without a hitch, while all around them the kingdom’s trees die because of fire and monsters and other great hulking things (I don’t pay attention), while his equine brethren kvetch and shout things at each other being Cool, Satty and this particular tree do not heed the calls for help. If this were a movie, we would cut to battle scenes and bloodshed while O Fortuna! plays and everything is dramatic. Unfortunately, y’all have to rely on my words and erratic dissociative thoughts and mild ability to describe things. Cut back now to the pair, where the tree’s branches flutter against him like arms, a wild and desperate love story and not at all the wind. He closes his eyes and inhales deeply, breathing in the aromatic perfume of her sap, which sounds WAY dirtier than I meant it too. “Oh, tree,” he sighs, “I feel like I’ve been looking for you all my life.”