she'll lie and steal and cheat and beg you from her knees
make you think she means it this time
All Pyxis feels is raw. Underneath the practiced demeanor and forced aloofness, she feels everything like fire on bare skin. She felt the sting of her father’s abandonment and the second-hand ache that her mother must feel from the betrayal. She felt the pain so deeply that she could not comprehend it. Why would anyone open themselves up to that possibility? How could you keep make someone else the center of your world? When they left (and they always do), you would be left with nothing.
So she hides the softness, the truth, beneath the slick outer shell and coy smiles. Her exterior is not entirely unpleasant, but it is practiced and as hard as iron. Even when she feigned affection, it was only surface deep. There were only a handful that she let close and they were all her family. No one else was given the privilege.
His words sting, the idea of love being a show, but she doesn’t let on to it, instead frowning slightly. “I am sorry to hear that,” she muses. “It must be difficult to watch.” Not as difficult as watching your father systematically break down your mother, she thinks. Not as difficult as knowing that your parents were indeed very much in love and then watching that same love detonate and destroy everything in its radius.
“We are!” she says and she slips slightly, her guard coming down for a second. “My sister is the most important person in the world to me.” Her mind wanders to Ilka and her dreamy eyes, something protective flaring in her chest, before she realizes her mistake and straightens up and catches his gaze.
He asks where she is going and she considers the question—on both levels. What she would tell him and what she herself would know as true. “I’m not sure,” she answers with a trace of honesty. “I’m rather enjoying the idea of wandering.” Not entirely true. Even now, she felt the need to go back to the Gates and to Ilka—to make sure that she was safe. The Gates was not her home, but it was Ilka’s and that meant Pyxis would follow. “Maybe I’ll follow you and Red for a while.” Her smile is wistful.
she'll tear a hole in you, the one you can't repair
but I still love her, I don't really care