There is a deep ache in her heart to see Malik back away from her. She doesn’t try to reclaim that space right away, she stays quiet - giving him the chance to sort through his thoughts. It is not difficult to do when part of her focus is on keeping her sadness from bubbling out.
When he meets her gaze again and she recognizes some of her stubbornness in him - she nods. “That’s fair.” The desire to step forward and hug Malik is powerful and like the tears, Mazikeen fights it. Uncertainty twists in her stomach and makes her feel nauseous before pushes herself over that frightening ledge like she has been trying to do this past year.
So she moves closer - careful but determined, and would stop if he moved away again. But if he didn’t, she’d wrap her neck around her son in a too-rare gesture, one that she wanted to be less rare in the future.
And again she would hold onto the sobs that would threaten to burst from her - both in the pain at knowing Malik was full-grown before she hugged him and in happiness.
She steps away again, hug or no, and can’t dig herself out of the hole she’s made but she tries to offer a little more information anyway. “When I brought you and Sickle to Tephra the day you were born, I hoped that would be enough to keep you away from him. To keep you safe.” Mazikeen had come to that decision while she had still been pregnant but walking away from Tephra after that one day with them and Wishbone had still been one of the hardest things she had ever done.
“It didn’t quite work out like that.” Obviously. She had been set up to fail with regards to the Curse but she had still tried her best. Or, what she thought was her best. In hindsight, there were other paths she might have taken. And maybe they would have been her best.
It was becoming a little easier now, not torturing herself with all the what ifs - but they had been a daily source for nightmares when she had first returned.
“Do you...” Mazikeen pauses, frowning in concentration as she tries to puzzle out the best way to ask the question that is nagging at her. The one she probably shouldn’t ask because there’s a chance the answer will hurt - but she’s going to anyway. “I’ve never asked… but are you okay with…”
She pauses, taking in a breath, and when she releases it the words finally work. “Do you mind that I’m not the same as I was when you were little?”
@
Malik