[private] there's nowhere to run from the fire she breathes

[Mazikeen]

Mazikeen knows she would have run with him if he’d asked it of her. Maybe a part of her even hoped he would - because if they left together she could try to escape her own demons in the process. But as he brushes aside her forelock and she relishes this sweet simple touch, as she feels that wonderful sensation of her hopes being made real, she believes this is the better option for them both.

And then he smiles and it’s a smile that reminds her how much she had loved his laugh on the few occasions she had heard it; it’s a smile that smoothes over some of those old fractures. One that so easily brightens her own in response and Mazikeen remembers what it’s like to feel happy. The emotion has a vibrant sheen to it now in contrast to her emptiness but it is what starts to convince her that this has to be real. “Okay. We’ll stay.” She feels this golden moment swell in her heart - this simple statement bringing such an undeniable thrill.

It doesn’t last, much as she wishes it could go on forever. A thought sneaks into her mind, reminding her of some information Firion should have - especially if he’s going to stay. The shift in her mood is obvious, a shadow passing across her features and eclipsing that smile and those vibrant feelings. “But you should know that I… I had another daughter with him.” She tastes bile in her mouth, feeling both a pang of guilt that she can't quite name and shame settling heavily over her. The question of whether she was a willing participant was a fuzzy one and far too complicated for Mazikeen to try to sort out right now so she shuts out those thoughts as she's dragged down again.

She resolves not to turn away this time. A little of her old stubbornness aids in this but mostly it is this new instinct - of actually sharing what is on her mind and not hiding it away for it to fester somewhere else. Not even the worst. Even though it is terrifying to do, even though she's afraid she's ruining this before they can even begin, Mazikeen manages to keep her sad eyes on his golden face - wanting to see his reaction. Whatever it is.

Each word is softer than the last as this new wave of grief takes over. One confession out of dozens waiting for their turn to drown her. “She was just born yesterday.” Or, she thinks it was yesterday. She’s not certain of how long they’ve been here, or how long it had been between when she had called for Firion while dying and woken to find him next to her. “I didn’t even give her a name yet.” She admits, full of loathing directed both inwards and at the girl’s father.

She shares this information just so Firion will know, with no other expectations tied. Staying with her is all she wants from him but she cares what he thinks of her - of this mess she has made of her life.

mazikeen