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When Gale answers her question, Mazikeen feels a new hollow in her chest that has nothing to do with the absence of her shifting.
There is a brief moment where she wants to launch herself at him, to tear the scowl off his face and rip him apart like she had with Firion. She’s sure she can do it, even without the aid of claws. But because she has done it before, she knows it won’t help. She knows Gale would leave afterwards and she’ll feel worse than she already does and not even the pain of any wounds she receives in the process will comfort her.
She feels angry but the hatred she had felt after the Alliance is missing entirely and she cannot figure out why. Her hate is directed inward, at her own stupid heart for wanting something that just isn’t there.
There is no desire in her to fight him, not like this. Once she had wanted to prove something by fighting him again, and then it had morphed into something else entirely. A promise for future meetings, when they were both strong and could delight in the battle just for the fun of it. Could learn from and teach one another.
An excuse to get close.
When her eyes fix on him now, they aren’t as guarded as she’d like - they burn with all the pain she’s feeling. “Well. Thanks for showing up here, showing off your ability to shift, calling me beautiful, rebuking me when I respond positively to the compliment, and wanting to fight while I’m arguably at my lowest so we can separate and never see each other again. That’s just fucking great, Gale.”
When she feels new tears begin to threaten, she finds the strength to refuse to let them fall - blinking them away. Her voice treacherously cracks when she continues, but she pushes through it. Tells herself it’s rage and not sadness. “I think it’s already pretty clear you’ve won and I’ve lost. No need for another battle to prove that again.”
Further goodbyes stick in her throat and she feels the difference between this moment and when she had left Islandres like a physical weight dragging at her. She doesn’t say anything else, just turns away from him and moves down the foothills and further into Hyaline. And she’s not sure whether it’s strength or weakness that keeps her stubbornly focused ahead and not on what, who, is behind.
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