12-15-2020, 10:15 PM
give my all to watch you fall
As she lays on the beach with the two little lives pressed in close with her, she feels the first inkling of belonging creeping into her psyche.
She’s never truly felt like she should stop moving: not when she left the Dale, not when she fled Beqanna, and not when she came back and found her brother and his clan. She had moments of crystalline clarity, sure. She was sure she loved her parents, sure she loved Terran and Ander and Jinju, even. She was sure she was happy in some form or fashion with each of them. But never happy enough, never satisfied. Ischia and her time within it had been much the same. She enjoyed the island and her people but it didn’t soothe her troubled soul, not like fighting in the Alliance had. She began to think that the problem was more fundamental, all her own fault. Began to think maybe she was never meant to fit in anywhere, after all.
But now, with her muzzle pressing tenderly and alternately on the twin’s brows, she wonders if that is true.
Titanya hears the dull pounding of paws on sand. It is a comforting sound that she has grown to know like her own reflection. So when she hears it, she doesn’t turn her gaze away from the foals until the sound changes into a harsher staccato. The sabino cranes her head around sharply, fangs already poking from between her lips in case they – and more – are needed to stop the threat. But her fierce, protective eyes land only on Halcyon as a horse. It is strange to see him like this, wearing his soft cream and blue coat instead of his black and orange fur. She finds her eyes lingering on him long after she realizes that there is no threat.
They are in the sand together, the four of them, as the seagulls wheel in the air above and the tide marches steadily out to sea. Titanya lets him take in the twins, lets him see what they have unwittingly made while she takes a moment for herself. It is surreal, nothing she has ever wanted or expected, and she doesn’t know what comes next. All she knows is there is a tightness in her throat when she looks at the filly and the colt, when she looks at their father. She knows that she loves them all in their own ways, unquestionably. She knows that there is also a part of her that wants to run from it all and never look back.
Fear, she tells herself. Fear of not knowing what she is doing. Fear of being a terrible mother, a terrible partner in raising the children. Fear of wanting to want it all so desperately but not knowing if she really does want it.
Titanya banishes her thoughts, pushes them down deep into her brain where the spring-sunshine and warmth can’t reach. She smiles when Hal touches her, does not shy away. She has to want it all or she will get nothing. “I’m exhausted down to my bones and I never want to do that ever again.” Her amber eyes slide to the two foals. “But they are pretty damn perfect, aren’t they?” His skin is warm and close and she leans into him. Her eyes flutter sleepily. The embrace doesn’t last but a moment and she rushes to her feet, wobbling only a little. “They need to stand, right? To feed right away?”
~
When their bellies are full, the twins sink right back into the sand. Titanya gives Halcyon a relieved look over their prone forms. She flicks her tail as if to flick away the nagging doubts that are the real threat. She will do this. She will overcome. And she’ll have help. Speaking of, “I guess they need names, too?”
She’s never truly felt like she should stop moving: not when she left the Dale, not when she fled Beqanna, and not when she came back and found her brother and his clan. She had moments of crystalline clarity, sure. She was sure she loved her parents, sure she loved Terran and Ander and Jinju, even. She was sure she was happy in some form or fashion with each of them. But never happy enough, never satisfied. Ischia and her time within it had been much the same. She enjoyed the island and her people but it didn’t soothe her troubled soul, not like fighting in the Alliance had. She began to think that the problem was more fundamental, all her own fault. Began to think maybe she was never meant to fit in anywhere, after all.
But now, with her muzzle pressing tenderly and alternately on the twin’s brows, she wonders if that is true.
Titanya hears the dull pounding of paws on sand. It is a comforting sound that she has grown to know like her own reflection. So when she hears it, she doesn’t turn her gaze away from the foals until the sound changes into a harsher staccato. The sabino cranes her head around sharply, fangs already poking from between her lips in case they – and more – are needed to stop the threat. But her fierce, protective eyes land only on Halcyon as a horse. It is strange to see him like this, wearing his soft cream and blue coat instead of his black and orange fur. She finds her eyes lingering on him long after she realizes that there is no threat.
They are in the sand together, the four of them, as the seagulls wheel in the air above and the tide marches steadily out to sea. Titanya lets him take in the twins, lets him see what they have unwittingly made while she takes a moment for herself. It is surreal, nothing she has ever wanted or expected, and she doesn’t know what comes next. All she knows is there is a tightness in her throat when she looks at the filly and the colt, when she looks at their father. She knows that she loves them all in their own ways, unquestionably. She knows that there is also a part of her that wants to run from it all and never look back.
Fear, she tells herself. Fear of not knowing what she is doing. Fear of being a terrible mother, a terrible partner in raising the children. Fear of wanting to want it all so desperately but not knowing if she really does want it.
Titanya banishes her thoughts, pushes them down deep into her brain where the spring-sunshine and warmth can’t reach. She smiles when Hal touches her, does not shy away. She has to want it all or she will get nothing. “I’m exhausted down to my bones and I never want to do that ever again.” Her amber eyes slide to the two foals. “But they are pretty damn perfect, aren’t they?” His skin is warm and close and she leans into him. Her eyes flutter sleepily. The embrace doesn’t last but a moment and she rushes to her feet, wobbling only a little. “They need to stand, right? To feed right away?”
~
When their bellies are full, the twins sink right back into the sand. Titanya gives Halcyon a relieved look over their prone forms. She flicks her tail as if to flick away the nagging doubts that are the real threat. She will do this. She will overcome. And she’ll have help. Speaking of, “I guess they need names, too?”
@[Halcyon]