[private] By the roar of the sea [Borderline]

[Borderline]

despite the overwhelming odds, tomorrow came

I had delivered the foal, a filly I’d named Memorie, with as much ease as any first time mother. It had been a quiet night, far from anything I’d ever considered familiar; far from home, far from Yanhua, but also far from the wretched world from which I’d come. Memorie was beautiful, with that same flaxen chestnut coat that Yanhua shared with his brother, and a blue tail, the perfect mix of both myself and her father. As much as I found her to be beautiful, I also found her to be a painful reminder of him, a secret I had buried deep within me, for I only ever smiled for her. I would not be anything like my mother, I’d already decided that long ago.

Still, as much as I smiled for Memorie, I frowned twice as often, for my heart hurt, and she was bound to notice. Though I told her it was because I was sad, I did not tell her why. One day, she might ask about her father, and then, I told myself, I would tell her, but I had stilled myself for the idea that I would raise her alone. Yet, as time went on, my heart did not heal. I became better and better about hiding it, but still, I grew more and more lonely, until finally I couldn’t bear it any longer.

“Memorie,” I gently cooed to the growing child, “My little love. We are going to go on a journey.” The foal had nodded, but said little, and so we stepped from the cozy little meadow that we had lived her entire life so far in, and began the long journey back…back to him.

The journey is long, but I keep myself occupied with the child, and during the nights I lay awake, restless with worry and dread. I rehearse the things I would say to him, whispering into the darkness for the world to hear while the Memorie slept at my hooves.

When we reached the border of Taiga, I could feel the emotions churning within me, boiling just beneath the surface so that my skin trembles, and I stop. The filly looks up at me, expectantly, and I have nothing to say. After a moment, I realize that I am holding my breath, so I release it in a hefty sigh. The child leans into me, recognizing the pain within, and I smile warmly down at her, nuzzling the top of her head where a soft tuft of mane tickles the underside of my chin.

I raise my head high and draw in a deep breath, taking in the wind for any signs of my “mate”, if I could even call him that anymore. If I even wanted to call him that anymore. Traces of his scent linger in the air, telling me he’s been past here recently, so I step out in the direction I suspect he’s gone. The filly follows quietly at my hindquarters, unsure of what to think. For a time, we navigate the massive redwoods on a trail I had grown familiar with, brushing against the ferns that line the path. Memorie seems unsettled by the ferns, but doesn’t say anything. 

Then we come around a bend, and there he is. 

I stop in my tracks, overwhelmed by the sudden rush of emotions that crash against the insides of my head like a rush of waves that sweeps me off my hooves in the ocean of pain and misery. The emotions were dragging me under, and suddenly, all that I had planned to say to him is lost in the current. I’m left standing there, looking like an idiot staring after him as he moved in the opposite direction from me. I would have to say something, otherwise he might not even know I was there, but I stand, paralyzed by the waves, unsure of whether I wanted him to see me after all. 

But then Memorie, staring off into the distance as she follows behind me, bumps into me, and a startled, strangled sound comes out of her beautiful lips.

borderline

Photo by Sharon McCutcheon from Unsplash
 
@[Yanhua]