She might have broken if Eurwen told her that there was nothing to be done; Lilliana might have finally fallen apart into wracking sobs. (She’s been there before. That point of no return and the world goes dark. She’s been at that edge of the world before when there is no going back and everything just falls apart. Her family had fallen apart because she had. Her fault. Something else that is her fault.)
Lilliana comes alive because the only alternative is to fall apart and she has promised herself that she will never do that again. Not when it is her boys on the line.
It’s hard, though, to listen that Ghaul went North. He had gone to Nerine and found nothing, including Nev. The emotion twisting in her chest is an odd one - a year ago, the Pangean leader had been their prisoner. He had been the one to test the iron mettle of Nerine and Lilliana had thought that a year's stay was a fitting punishment for stripping the Iron Ledges of two of her sisters.
For the theft of Craft and Anatomy, that had brought a kindling rage to an inferno because they had been the last security afforded to Nashua and Yanhua.
Ghaul went North and despite how skewed his motivations might have been, his name becomes added to a list that she has been mentally keeping. A favor is his, should the Pangean ever ask one. (What a tangled, tangled web Beqanna weaves.) Lilliana nods - almost absent-mindedly - because what else is there to say? Ghaul went North and found no monster. Neverwhere was already gone. Too little, too late.
The chestnut mare doesn’t hide her disappointment when Eurwen mentions ‘deal’ in exchange for a search. She shouldn’t be surprised - Beqanna always seems to operate this way. Quid pro quo. Lilliana has had ample time to consider what Taiga might offer and is prepared to share it now. "On top of our support, Taiga may be willing to offer… incentives to those in our ranks who wish to join his raiding. We’d offer the obvious things as well. The meadow grass is there for the grazing and should anyone from the Isle wish a respite, they are welcome to what we have.”
There are other ideas too; thoughts about how kingdoms who partake in unfriendly steals and challenges could be met with sentences on the Isle. How they might work to shorten it by raiding with Leilan and his marauders at the benefit of the North.
"About time to change things up then, wouldn’t you say?” Lilliana says this softly and tries to smile though it doesn’t quite reach her eyes when she looks up to Eurwen. Her mind goes to a day in the Forest when two mares had teased about magic and curses and plagues beneath the trees."Nev would still hold Nerine,” the Taigan mare replies. "Just anybody who wants to piss the North off would have to deal with dragonfire before Neverwhere’s scowl.”
Lilliana tries to joke but it hurts. Her mind (and her heart) keep imagining different things; the angry ledges of Nerine with Nev’s glower and a new bereft emptiness of them if it was absent. The latter keeps pushing her towards that inevitable breaking point and the red woman struggles to keep her mind on the current conversation. Please let her be okay, the copper mare prays to her old gods - to Legado.
"We need time to heal,” the chestnut whispers. "That won’t happen if we are constantly provoked.” This plan isn’t meant to last forever; just until the day that Nerine stands upon her own cliffs again. Maybe even reaching for those unattainable heights that Lilliana once dreamt that the Amazons of old had wished for.
Something about the way Eurwen moves makes her cautious and Lilli looks past the mare, casting a wary glance over her spotted shoulder and to the looming landscape behind her. Nothing. Nothing but shadows. She shivers and gives her head a slight shake, trying to turn her uneasy attention back to the Nerinian diplomat. "Yes, please. Let her know what we’ve discussed and get her thoughts on them.”
"@[Eurwen],” the chestnut hesitates before adding, "tell Lethia to encourage the Taigans to keep as close to Nerine as they can. It’ll be easier for those doing patrols if they don’t have to venture so far south.” It might leave some of Taiga’s borders vulnerable but it saved them horsepower and gave them the advantage of more easily protecting their own. Elio would be the best one to lead those patrols, she realizes. Apart from herself and Lethia, there was no other horse who knew the misty forest better. Skeleton Ghoul, a newcomer but welcomed addition might be another help. Then remembering her uncle’s murder, "and nobody should be patrolling alone.”
Things that she was sure Izora Lethia already knew but it gives her some feeling of control to say these things out loud. Her world hasn’t stopped reeling for such a very, very long time but speaking these ideas gives her a moment of stability, like gravity temporarily righted.
"Tell me if I sound crazy,” the Taigan mare half-jokes as she struggles to keep her thoughts present. "I feel like I’ve been out of my mind for a long time.”
LILLIANA
if i ever get to heaven
i've got a long list of questions