02-23-2020, 06:31 PM
she fell for the idea of him
and ideas were a dangerous thing to love
and ideas were a dangerous thing to love
She is used to biting tones and scathing remarks, and normally she can let them roll off her. Rarely do they ever land their mark, because the fortress she has built around herself is nearly impenetrable. She would not survive the company she chose to keep if she was any other way. She would not be able to withstand the cruelty and the cold indifference if she let herself wither beneath the weight of it all, and so she has learned to shut it all out.
She doesn’t know why he is managing to get to her. She doesn’t understand how everything he says is slipping through the cracks in the wall like a poison, and she has to fight to keep the shield in place when his words hit like arrows against it. She flinches on the inside but the only indicator on her dimly lit face is the nearly imperceptible hurt that flickers in her dark eyes. “Everyone lets me walk away,” and while there is no self-pity in her voice, there is a certain kind of injury. No one, not even Skellig, has ever fought for her to stay. She leaves, and they let her, and still she is willing and waiting for them to come back. “It’s not a surprise when it’s Carnage or Atrox, but you…” She stops herself short, refusing to finish the thought. Refusing to admit that she had ever dared to think there was something more between them than what appeared on the surface.
And she has always accepted that that is her mistake, and not anyone else's. She brings everything upon herself like the fool that she is, and she is surprised that this – this sudden downward spiral, this inability to no longer pretend she doesn’t care – hasn’t already happened before.
She doesn’t look at him now, but instead lowers her head to run her nose down Noel’s spine. Her jaw tightens at the insult he slings about Skellig, and she closes her eyes against the tears that sting at the back of them. There is a long moment that passes before she speaks again, and the ache in her voice is apparent even though she tries to keep it from trembling. “I wasn’t bored of Skellig. That was never it. But you’re being impossible and if you want to continue to live in denial, then fine. I’m sorry I said anything.” She looks up at him now, the emotion gone from her eyes, leaving just a flat blackness in its wake. “When we get out of here things can go back to the way they were, whatever that was.”
She doesn’t know why he is managing to get to her. She doesn’t understand how everything he says is slipping through the cracks in the wall like a poison, and she has to fight to keep the shield in place when his words hit like arrows against it. She flinches on the inside but the only indicator on her dimly lit face is the nearly imperceptible hurt that flickers in her dark eyes. “Everyone lets me walk away,” and while there is no self-pity in her voice, there is a certain kind of injury. No one, not even Skellig, has ever fought for her to stay. She leaves, and they let her, and still she is willing and waiting for them to come back. “It’s not a surprise when it’s Carnage or Atrox, but you…” She stops herself short, refusing to finish the thought. Refusing to admit that she had ever dared to think there was something more between them than what appeared on the surface.
And she has always accepted that that is her mistake, and not anyone else's. She brings everything upon herself like the fool that she is, and she is surprised that this – this sudden downward spiral, this inability to no longer pretend she doesn’t care – hasn’t already happened before.
She doesn’t look at him now, but instead lowers her head to run her nose down Noel’s spine. Her jaw tightens at the insult he slings about Skellig, and she closes her eyes against the tears that sting at the back of them. There is a long moment that passes before she speaks again, and the ache in her voice is apparent even though she tries to keep it from trembling. “I wasn’t bored of Skellig. That was never it. But you’re being impossible and if you want to continue to live in denial, then fine. I’m sorry I said anything.” She looks up at him now, the emotion gone from her eyes, leaving just a flat blackness in its wake. “When we get out of here things can go back to the way they were, whatever that was.”
ryatah