"But the dream, the echo, slips from him as quickly as he had found it and as consciousness comes to him (a slap and not the gentle waves of oceanic tides), it dissolves entirely. His muscles relax as the cold claims him again, as the numbness sets in, and when his grey eyes open, there’s nothing but the faint after burn of a dream often trod and never remembered." --Brigade, written by Laura
It's not every day you fail a test so miserably, but the shaking figure on the Nerinian cliffside had a much bigger problem, she realized soon after.
Everything was bigger than it should be. That said, she was smaller than she should be, and... a whole lot darker.
She hadn't believed it to be possible, but here she was, weak, small, and back to black like she used to be. Her head was dizzy, she didn't know how long she'd been there, but her wet body was cold and it was dark outside, so it was pretty obvious that she'd failed the test to become a true Nerinian.
She didn't go to meet them afterwards. Pah, she didn't even know how to get there. She started walking along the rocky coastline, her wings unable to carry her at this point. She wasn't what she used to be a few hours before, wasn't what she should be right now. But she knew she was due home any time soon, and so the little foal, unsurely-footed at first, but more surely when she remembered how to navigate the rocks, made her way to the southern border of Nerine's coast, then unto Hyaline. She knew that in her homeland, somewhere, she should be able to find a way up, back into the mountains, but it was suddenly a long trek for one so small such as she.
It hadn't been too long before her second birthday, but now she was starting all over.
the light you are searching has always been within
and in my dreams I've kissed your lips a thousand times
I blink my eyes when I catch sight of the little black figure: something about her is so entirely recognizable, and yet utterly alien. For some time, from my perch in my family's mountainside grotto, I simply stare and try to piece together the details of the meandering girl. She enters from the north, meaning from Nerine alone; a snort ruffles the flesh of my nostrils in frustration as I struggle to understand just what is going on.
She's too small to be Tähti, and yet - who else could it be?
Unable to keep my curiosity and intrigue to myself for a moment longer, I depart from the mountainside. Although the winter makes the rocky slopes icy and dangerous, I navigate them with far more ease than the filly; despite this being her birthplace, that fact that she looks so close to birth itself hinders her movements. A colossal worry and confusion over takes me, and before I'm even on flat ground, I'm sprinting towards her tiny figure, worrying that she might fall and die from the cold before anyone ever discovers her.
"Tähti!" I call across some distance, though I'm sure she's seen me or at least heard me by now. The antlers atop my head glimmer in the faint winter sun as I pull up, head tossing; she won't recognize those, but she ought to recognize the rest of me. My brows furrow and my eyes widen as I lean down to look her in the eyes, confirming her identity. Then, I step forward and pull her close. The embrace isn't necessarily one of a loving faux-mother; but rather, an offering of warmth to one who has unfortunately be rendered hopelessly vulnerable.
"What happened to you?"
From behind me, a shorter, stealthier figure approaches. Her footfalls are silent, but the loud rumble of her purr will not take long to become apparent.
Pulling away from the girl, I flinch upon noticing my familiar entering the scene; but she does not attack as she did Crevan, instead reaching with a motherly care to caress the babe's sodden fur, sliding around her knob-knees and extending her own warmth to the sullen child.
"Ignore her for now -" I squeeze my eyes and shake my head, too many things happening all at once. "What happened to you?"
The little girl’s cold stiffness is only countered by the amount of effort that she puts in getting home. She used to be so surefooted, and so quick on her wings, it’s such a contrast. But if there’s one thing that marks her as the same girl she was before - she is incredibly stubborn.
That’s probably the only reason she makes it all the way, and to a side of the mountain that she recognizes again. And apparently, also is recognized. Caught between not-slipping and placing one hoof before the other, she only notices the spotted bay when she calls her name. She stops walking to see who’s coming. Then she smiles tiredly. ”Hi auntie Kag.” she doesn’t feel like she has the energy to say much more, burying her face in the warm auburn and cream fur. She smells like mountain air and also, a bit like auntie Solace and some unfamiliar foal smells, but she doesn’t care. The point is that she’s safe and warm now.
She startles at the big cat joining them, but the beast does not attack and Kagerus says to ignore her, and besides, she is also warm and furry. Curling up besides the older mare, she tries to recollect what exactly happened. ”There was a... test, I think. Yes. I had visions. I came to save you, but it wasn’t real. I think...” she frowns as she tries real hard to remember. ”Maybe I died? Accidentally.” she adds quickly, not wanting her to think that she or someone from Nerine would have done that on purpose. She looks at Kagerus and frowns. ”Have you ever died?” she wonders. Were all horses the same, that they would become children again when they die? Or only all the immortal ones? Maybe Kag would know.
the light you are searching has always been within
and in my dreams I've kissed your lips a thousand times
The wind howls across us as we stand at the peak of the foothill, tangling my mane around my eyes and face; but little Tahti, her mane only sticks flat to her neck, too short yet to be of any true distraction. The eerie keening of the breeze leaves shivers crawling down my spine like spiders, the goosebumps seeming only to put the scene in an even bleaker outlook.
The foal bends in exhaustion against the touch of my familiar, and I wonder if perhaps only the leopard is the one who truly understands the way of things.
I will take care of her, Kagerus comes a voice in my head, different and far more real than the one I've been used to hearing during times of shattered mental health. My eyes roll in my skull at the intrusion, but of course, the voice can be coming from but one being: the leopard. I am Panthera, not 'the leopard.' Now focus.
Shaking my head to clear the unstable, catatonic thoughts that now flow through it with these multiple epiphanies in regards to the leopard - err, Panthera - I zone in to what the tiny black foal is saying, stepping closer and once again pressing her tiny figure to my body. She's exhausted; she needs the support; she needs her mother.
"Well don't you worry anymore Tähti, the test is over and you don't have to take it again," I say as soothingly as I can, nibbling her stubby forelock as I speak. My mind reels with the possibility of what she said being true (with the reality of it, given her appearance here as a newborn when she ought to be a yearling). "You may have died but you are back; I hope that death was not an unpleasant experience... I can help you feel better, if it was." My mouth opens as if to say more, but the little girl interjects a question of her own, and the wind falls from me as if from a punch.
Have you ever died?
For a moment, I consider telling her about my suicide attempt - but then I chastise myself for even thinking such a thing, reminding myself that she who was once a yearling is now a babe again, made anew by a power that I do not quite understand. Swallowing hard, and hoping she has not noticed my slight lapse in speech, I try to give her a convincing, semi-true answer. "I have not died sweetheart, but I have been close. It will be a long time until you are close again, okay?" My lips find her forehead, find the star placed so perfectly there. "Now tell me; are you hurt? Are you hungry? Your mother is around - but I will stay with you until we find her, or until she finds us. I promise."
A baby, that’s what she is again. But with the mind of a two-year-old (or almost one). Of course she notices the startledness of Kagerus - but she also knows to shut her mouth about it, and when the clouded mare answers that she was close once, it is sufficient for now. Besides, she is in no condition to demand anything from anyone. Such a warrior she is. She sighs.
She’d shaken her head at Kag’s question. No, it wasn’t needed to forget. Not that it had been a pleasant experience, but if she forgot, now, then she would always be wondering why she was so little. It’d probably creep her out more. And also, knowing one was immortal or at least, would be reborn, could be useful, she supposed. She should not forget that fact.
The leopardess seemed a strange creature. Tähti would wonder about her later, though. Rather would she like to know something else, as her stomach rumbles, now that she is warm and feels safe. ”Will you take me to the fairies? No-one’s giving milk in winter.” the black filly states matter-of-factly. Her mother would have to wait then... but Tähti would rather survive and meet her later, than meet her first and then be to weak for travel.
the light you are searching has always been within
and in my dreams I've kissed your lips a thousand times
She shakes her head no at my offer, perhaps asserting some reasons within herself as to why she ought not forget her death. I empathize with her too, silently. When Ivar had offered to take away the pain of my suicide-attempt and the guilt-borne night terrors which accompanied that incident, I'd also declined; too useful is the pain, and too cowardly is it to succumb to that which is not true or real. Impressive, that a child should hold herself to those same standards; but then again, I'd never expect less of little Tähti.
She asks about milk next, stating the facts as matter of factly as if she weren't a reincarnating goddess of sorts. I bite the inside of my cheeks, trying to hide the fact of how incredibly uncomfortable and strange this situation actually is, but in the next moment, I get myself back in control and analyze our options. Glancing east, I try to draw up the distance from here to the adoption den or playground in my mind: and it is a far, far distance. The little girl has traveled far longer than she ought to have already, and though it would be ridiculous to take her to the faeries that reside in those places reliably, I also cannot take her to her mother.
But I've taken care of other orphaned and hungry children before, and so I return my mouth to the top of her skull and gently press the urge to sleep upon her.
"I can feed you for now, as long as you trust me. Close your eyes; you've been walking a long time, and now it is time to rest. I'll be here when you awaken. I promise."
And so, as the little star flutters her eyes and eventually closes them, I give her dreams of warm milk and a full stomach. When she awakens, so it shall be; and for the next day's time, she shall not hunger. It will be enough to get her to Ilma, and from there, into the hands which can properly care for her.
![[Image: kag]](https://78.media.tumblr.com/2e8039018ce4dff6112c167ec23e886a/tumblr_p72zjit7wC1s5a0qvo1_100.png)