open all your windows, let the rains come in; dovev

[leliana]

I waited for something and something died
so I waited for nothing and nothing arrived

The Mountain called to her.

And she was tired of waiting to answer its call.

She had no gifts to be returned to her, she had no petition to bring to the faeries, but she needed its wild slopes and its thin air. She needed its solitude, the silence that stretched on and on for days, weighing heavily on those who braved its terrain. She needed it, and she was too weak to deny herself the balm any longer. So she woke with the moon, with the fog, the autumn chill wrapping around her slender body. Her wings transformed into her familiar dragon form and lifted her into the air, carrying her far and away.

Her breath came unsteady as she flew, thin and gasping, the exertion causing a thin sheen of sweat to begin to darken her coat. She needed this. She needed to fly until she could no longer think, until the only thing there was to focus on was the darkness of exhaustion, the claiming motions of a body that could no longer stand up. Unfortunately, the flight was not long enough to reach such levels of exhaustion.

Still, when she landed, she was out of breath, her barrel heaving as she gasped for air, her eyes closing on a sigh. She stood on a small clearing near the base of the mountain, the moon high above her, and she felt a content smile beginning to curl the edges of her mouth. She was alone. Reaching down, her crimson lips brushed over the beginning stages of snow and ice that never seemed to fully disappear here, and a shiver ran down her spine. Her wings transformed without thought, the leather dissolving to give way to ice and snow, the edges hard and gleaming, but the material itself as warm as her own body.

She closed her eyes and took an unsteady breath, finally folding her legs and dropping to the ground.

Her chin came to rest on her chest and she lay there still, waiting for clarity to claim her tired mind.

it's our dearest ally, it's our closest friend
it's our darkest blackout, it's our final end

[Dovev]

He was born of the mountain. Didn't have a mother, didn't have a father, couldn't remember a birth. He began here, curled and silent as he watched the faces stumble around him full of terror and anguish for reasons he couldn't comprehend. His life started there in that devastation as people tried to find their loved ones and often failed, so it made sense that it was devastation that followed in his wake. Perhaps it was his creation that produced it all to begin with, tore their world asunder with merciless ferocity.

Perhaps he was the catalyst to all bad things.

He'd never been back since wandering off that first day where the magical boundary had stroked him lovingly as a mother would, since finding Cerva as a young boy and adopting her for himself. She had become the center of his world, and the mountain was an ever-watchful presence in the background, guarding its child as he learned the ways of life; as he grew and aged into a man, as he took that perfect creature between his thighs and bred a new devastation. A new catalyst that did not answer to the mountain as he did. That did not answer to him either. He was nothing to her.

So he wasn't quite sure why he came now. Maybe he hoped to receive guidance somehow, a way to gain back his perfect child born of a perfect being. Maybe just to forget for a time, shirk his endless search for a man of metal.

Or maybe it was fate.

His heart stopped when he saw her, here in the place he was created, lying there on his mother's snow-capped breast. Just like that first day, where it all began, he walked to her as though in a trance, as though he had no other purpose for breathing but to be right there with her. Maybe he didn't. Nothing else existed then. Only her as he carefully wrapped around her, trying not to bleed on her. But it was even more useless than the first time he'd tried; he bled more freely here, the mountain's power desperately trying to speed along his delayed changes, his armor's growth.

His mouth gingerly buried in her hair, breathing in the fragrance that soothed and mellowed him and yet could also ignite him in an instant, soiling her and hating himself for it. Hating himself for a great many things. He sighed inaudibly, finally feeling as though he could truly sleep, could truly be content. Perhaps she had been called here for him to find, the greatest gift from his creator. The greatest gift to all the world.

He meant to soak this moment in, memorize every minute detail just as he had before. But soon his head grew heavier, his eyelids too, and he fell asleep with his neck draped over hers.

[leliana]

I waited for something and something died
so I waited for nothing and nothing arrived

She had not expected sleep to find her; she had no reason to think that it would. Sleep had become an elusive and wild thing, teasing the edges of her vision, dancing upon the fault lines in her heart, but never reaching forth and claiming her. She spent her nights wandering the lands, revisiting each bruise and each scar, but never truly finding peace. When exhaustion finally claimed her, it was fitful and thin, and when she woke, she felt as tired as if she had never rested at all—her hazel eyes full of grit and fatigue.

So the fact that it came now, as simple as a breath, the waves of it lapping over the edges and pulling her down into its murky depths, was a surprise. Still, she did not fight it. She simply sighed, exhaling all of her sorrow and let her body go lax, her mind giving itself over to the darkness that crept up toward her.

She did not wake when he came to her, when he lowered and wrapped around her, but she still reacted to his warmth, to the familiar press of his body against hers. A soft murmur built in her throat as she shifted, as her snowy wings lifted and draped over his armored back. Her healing seeped from her and into him, reaching for the body that it had come to know so intimately. With each breath, it moved through him, tracing along the edges of muscles and capillaries she had come to know as well as her own heartbeat.

It lit up along the edges of his armor, where bruises blossomed like wildflowers beneath his skin, where the skin ripped apart, where lacerations grew together around clusters of puckered flesh. Each inch was soothed, healed, and when it was done, it returned to her, glowing warmly in her chest as she exhaled slowly, releasing a breath that caused small snowflakes to dance in front of her red muzzle.

Part of her woke then, but only a part, and she didn’t move, didn’t open her eyes. As if this was nothing but a dream that she was scared to break; as if moving would shatter the illusion. She focused on her breath, on the feel of his neck over hers, the warmth of him. A single tear slipped down her cheek as she finally breathed quietly, almost inaudibly, “I need this to be a dream.” Anything else would be too painful.

it's our dearest ally, it's our closest friend
it's our darkest blackout, it's our final end

[Dovev]

Warmth covered him, blanketed him then filled him. It flowed through him on a familiar path, a gradual and lazy current of her rich healing. His body grew heavier, releasing all tension at that coaxing touch it knew so well, relaxed further as every last abrasion was sealed shut, every last bruise and ache smoothed away. And there were many. There were always so many. This time not all from Ashley.

Remembering unbidden, his chest tightened and he forced it roughly to the outer edges of his mind. But it woke him, as nightmares do.

I need this to be a dream. So quiet he almost hadn't heard her, even here with his head laying over her dappled neck. His heart flinched, a deep and penetrating hurt that could never call her magic to it. So much pain and destruction he'd brought her. So much turmoil and heartache. Why couldn't he ever just leave her alone? It would be best for her. Wouldn't it? But he couldn't. How could he never see her again when she meant so much, when the sight of her made him feel this way, changed him so profoundly.

Distance, then. He would watch over from a distance. Protect, and not harm anymore. As he was trained for. Only protect her. Even from himself.

His voice was a soft cover of silk, smooth and quiet and loving as it wrapped around her.
Just a dream, he agreed in barely a breath, twisting just enough to place a tender kiss there at her beautiful neck. Just a dream where he was not the monster he truly was in reality. Where he did not maim and kill, tear flesh and muscle from bone and eagerly spill blood, or press himself upon others as an entirely different weapon, a violent and demanding lover that took what he wanted, how he wanted it.

He should have showed her that side and let her run from him.

But she meant too much now to survive the loss. Cerva was gone and he still walked. Atrani rejected him and somehow he still breathed. Somehow. But he was afraid to think what losing Leliana would be like, afraid he might not wake from it. Then how could he protect her if he were that far removed from the world? It was too much to lose them all. Too much to lose her.

Reflexively, he gently pulled her in closer, as though his heart tripped at the thought of it and needed her here for support. Needed her to continue beating. He passed his mouth along her curve of muscle, partially open as he breathed her in. Could nearly taste her. Leliana... He wanted to say it, could feel it there just about to drip like warm honey from a starving beast, wanted to feel it on his tongue, so sweet, but didn't dare to wake her. He didn't want her to hate that he'd come to her yet again. All he ever brought her was pain. He breathed, and kissed her again. Just a dream.

[leliana]

I waited for something and something died
so I waited for nothing and nothing arrived

She felt the warmth of him surrounding her, pulling her in closer, and she sighed against it, her body yielding to the pressure of him pulling her closer. His mouth on her neck, hovering just above the flesh so that the heat of his breath rolled gently over the muscle and hair. She inhaled and hiss scent came with it, something heady and earthy, the metallic of his blood and the dried sweat on his neck all just part of what made him, him. The pressure in her chest did not ease, did not quiet—it simply grew, consuming all of her as the woken part of her mind turned toward him hungry. She shouldn’t want him here, and she did.

Another tear fell down her cheek, and then another. They were unhurried and soft, silent as they slid down, wetting the delicate skin underneath her closed eyes. She made a soft strangled noise as she curled into him further, her wing of snow almost gripping him as she did. This was a dream, she whispered in her mind, because she needed that to be true. Because she couldn’t bear the pain of having him right here and then having to face the truth—of having to know that this was temporary, that this was fleeting.

She couldn’t bear to be this close to the sun again. She wasn’t sure that she’d survive it.

But another part of her starved for him, and her head angled just slightly so her mouth could find his leg, his chest. It rested there, above his heart, her breath coming unsteadily as he flooded her senses, her tongue drunk with him. Her brow furrowed with all of the things unsaid between them, the hurt that still bruised her heart, the memories that played over and over again in her mind—the things that made it so difficult to sleep. The things that hollowed out her already slender face, that brought fresh shadows to her.

“I don’t think I’ll ever heal from you,” she confessed in the quiet, pressing her broken heart into the hands of this dream, trying to cling to the sleep, to the hazy gauze that made all of this bearable. Another tear on her cheek, a shaky breath. For all the things in nature she could heal, for all the wrongs she could erase, the hurts that she could make disappear, this was the one she wasn’t sure she could surmount.

And the worst part was knowing part of her was glad for it, because having him live there—a constant reminder in her shattered chest, fragmented glass in her lungs—was better than not having him at all.

it's our dearest ally, it's our closest friend
it's our darkest blackout, it's our final end

[Dovev]

She made a soft sound as she curled further into him, a sound that felt like the prick of a needle to sensitive nerves. Painful and sad, heart-clenching. Her wing tightened around him and he returned it with his own firm pull deeper into his embrace. His heart broke at the suffering he'd brought her, and a tear slid down the sharp angles of his face. All he ever did was hurt her. He knew this and yet still he stayed, still he couldn't bear to leave her side. He was so selfish, so painfully selfish.

Her beautiful face turned just slightly, just enough that her soft lips met his leg then his chest as she settled there above his suddenly thundering heart. His breath caught, lost in the tingling sensation of her mouth laying against his sensitive skin, his mind locked on her unsteady breaths fanning against him. Oh no, this was bad. Why did she have to stir him so easily, so quickly, like simmering coals just waiting for her touch to stoke them back to glaring life?

There was no way he was going to touch her this way, the way that he so desperately wanted to. He couldn't do that to her, he'd already done so much. But it didn't make him want to any less. He forced himself to breathe slowly. Controlling, forceful; he'd always been that way, with everything but her. God don't let him be that way with her. It unfurled in his chest though, it was his nature to be, and the blackness spread within him.

I don't think I'll ever heal from you. Destruction and suffering was all he ever gave her. That and the good memories, the ones where they touched and held each other, bonded in a way he didn't understand. A connection between unlikely hearts. A dark one, a pure one. He could feel it there, tied so securely to his. No matter where he went, she was dragged along too. But he was glad she was not physically pulled with him, could not witness the heinous acts he committed when he forced everything from his mind. When she wasn't there to subdue him like a sweet lullaby to a hellbeast.

He couldn't do it to her, couldn't touch her how his body and mind craved to. His chin tucked to his chest, finally seeing the track of tears on her perfect face that broke his heart. Tentatively, he reached for her, uncertain if she would let him, if she would want him to. Because somehow that always mattered with her, whether she would want him.

He breathed warmly on her damp cheek, aching to reverse all the damage he'd done to her. Gingerly, almost hesitantly, his tongue pressed against her, tenderly licked away the clear and salty blood of a broken, bleeding heart, ignoring the racing pulse in his own. Cleaned her beautiful face.

Tried so hard to wipe away his mark on her life.

[leliana]

I waited for something and something died
so I waited for nothing and nothing arrived

Part of her, some distant painful part of her, reminded her that she was but one of many. That she was but a splinter in the majestic oak of his life. She could not meet all of his needs, she could not sate all of his desires, she could not soothe the fire that simmered beneath his skin. And yet, still, she ached to do just that. She ached to give him everything that he needed—to be that which he craved.

To be the thing that he came home to, like a lighthouse on the shore, returning to again and again.

The pain did not explode, but it seeped through her, filling all of the cracks and crevices that she could no longer ignore. She grit her teeth against it, ignoring the anguish that flooded through her, the memories that she could never get rid of—the sweet, tender moments and the ones that broke her apart. The vision of him chasing after Zoryn, of his daughter standing between them lost and hurt and accusing.

She had no way of knowing he would seek out Zoryn, that he would punish the stallion who had broke apart her flesh but in a way that was also pleasure. That they would curl together and bear children alongside one another. It would shatter her to know the full truth. To know that she had stepped into a world that was so far beyond her understanding of love and light. To know just how minuscule she was.

Still, even being shielded from this knowledge, it did not stop the tears, the pain she felt now. Her mouth remained on his chest, grateful that he was silent because it made it so much easier. This was goodbye, she thought, to herself. It had to be. After everything they had been through, it only made sense that this would be where they finally departed. This was but a final parting gift, a sweet send off to cherish.

Something to nourish her in the coming months.

“I will always love you,” she finally whispered, although her voice broke on the words. He cleansed her face and she let him, the soft motions both sad and soothing. Finally, she opened her eyes, and they found his, never moving from where she lay, the tears still fresh on her cheeks. No more words came to her.

it's our dearest ally, it's our closest friend
it's our darkest blackout, it's our final end

[Dovev]

For so long, they were silent. He tended her, she rest against him. His heart raced, but now from agony. Because he could feel it, could feel it coming. The last piece of his heart soon to break. He swallowed, tried to brace himself. But he was nothing but skin and bones. He was nothing.

I will always love you, she said finally, a whisper, a quiet poison. His jaw clenched and tears sprang immediately to his eyes, so he stopped his care of her face, turned carefully away to hide the tremble in his brows and the naked agony so plain and bare on his face. Because it was goodbye. A final goodbye. And he deserved it. More than she even realized. So much more.

How could he try to fight for her? How wrong it was to want to. He had never been one to know what the right thing to do was. What was best, what was wise. What was fair. But this he knew he could not claim. Had no right to. No matter how bad he needed her, he could not ask her to stay. Ever. Couldn't put her through any more of his life than she was already thrown into, already beaten with. She deserved so much more than he could ever be. She deserved far better. And he was already stained, so permanently stained.

Tears slid silently down his face as he turned to her, flooded his eyes against his will as he gingerly tipped her chin up to look at him. Just one time. One last time. He wished he could beg her, give him a chance just one chance. But he deserved this pain one hundred times over and then over again. He deserved to lose her forever. His jaw clenched again, trying to steady the quiver of muscles aching to shed this pain in pathetic sobs. His throat was tight, and he swallowed just one last time. Just enough to say it.

I love you.

He could only hold those perfect eyes long enough to be certain she knew how deeply he meant it, then shut them, allowed the tears to spill as his head bowed. His shoulders twitched with the tension, holding himself together just long enough for her to leave before he could fall apart.

He gave his heart in those words, pushed what was left of it deep into her chest next to hers. Because it belonged to her anyway. Then he held still, so still. His senses were aware and open, ready to drink in the sound and sight of her walking away for the last time. Because he deserved that pain too, would accept that torture, cling to it as a good memory. Because maybe, just once in his life, he did the right thing.

He would take this torture and cherish it.
She deserved to be the one to leave this time.
Walk away with his heart in hers.

Because it belonged to her anyway.

[leliana]

I waited for something and something died
so I waited for nothing and nothing arrived

It was difficult to not imagine the what ifs.

It was impossible to not wonder about the possibilities, of the things that they could have been, would have been. If Zoryn had not found them, if he had not pulled Dovev back into his own life, if he had not had a child, if his heart had not already been claimed. It was impossible to not think about these things, the almosts so soft and so impossible as they clung to them, seeping into their very flesh. It was almost beautiful. It was almost perfect. They had almost been forever—almost constellations.

The stars had almost been theirs to hold.

Another sob threatens to climb her throat, to spill onto her tongue, to press its needy hands to his chest. It is something that only grows worse the longer that she lays here, something that only grows within her with each passing second, the space between them so tiny and yet so infinite. She can feel entire galaxies pressing between them, new lives, timelines that had no business drawing air pushed up between the two of them as if they belonged. She turns her cheek to them and pulls herself into his drunken warmth.

Just one moment before.

But then his nose is beneath hers and her chin is moving up slowly, her lashes parting so that she can take him in. He is handsome, but not in the way you would expect. Not in the way that was easy to appreciate. He is angular, painfully thin, but strong—the curves of him more dangerous than anything. He is a blade and the edge of him is pressing into her. He is a knife, and she is going to bleed out—

(she knows it, she knows it)

He is talking and the words, those three bombs, detonate in her mind, until all of the air is sucked out of her lungs and her head is light. Because it was what she had always wanted to hear, it was what she had always needed to hear from him—and yet. And yet. It wasn’t enough. She wasn’t enough. Their love wasn’t enough to save them—not anymore. It was just the nail in the coffin, the final bullet in the skull.

“I wish I was enough,” she finally whispers, the words broken on an equally shattered tongue, her hazel eyes closing against the weight of everything. She could die here, she thinks. She could just sink into the earth until it swallowed her whole, until she was nothing but a seed and she was growing, growing into something new, something more beautiful, something eternal. She could die happy with his mouth on her and his scent in her and his words ringing in her ears. If only. If only it was that simple—that easy.

Her mouth find his cheek and cleans him as he had cleansed her, wiping the salt away and leaving one final kiss there. And then she stands. She stands because it is the only thing to do, even though her flesh is screaming and her heart is pounding and her legs are weak. She stands and her wings turn from snow to the familiar obsidian and ivory, and they curl around and hold her as he had but moments before.

“Remember me,” she asks, the request soft. Remember me in the moments of the in-between. Remember me when the bloodshed fades and you’re left alone in the aftermath. Remember me when sleep finally clams you and when dusk draws your eyelids down. Remember me when your pulse slows to a crawl and when it’s the only thing you can hear, both a whisper and a roar. Remember me, remember me, remember.

“Please?” her crimson lips quirk just a little in the corner and a frown chases her eyes.

But she steps away, staggering against the pain of the goodbye.

(Find me again, she wants to scream. Fight for me. But she buries the words in her selfish heart.)

Instead she studies him for another moment, internalizes the lines of him, swallows every breath of air that is stained with him before she just nods, tears on her cheek, lifts into the air, and leaves.

it's our dearest ally, it's our closest friend
it's our darkest blackout, it's our final end