"But the dream, the echo, slips from him as quickly as he had found it and as consciousness comes to him (a slap and not the gentle waves of oceanic tides), it dissolves entirely. His muscles relax as the cold claims him again, as the numbness sets in, and when his grey eyes open, there’s nothing but the faint after burn of a dream often trod and never remembered." --Brigade, written by Laura
I have died every day waiting for you.
Darling, don't be afraid. I have loved you for a thousand years.
Everything is just going to shit.
He’d finally had her back, finally had her back in his life … and then the freaking world had been ripped out from under them.
He’d literally just left the cave for only a short trip, just to forage for some food he could take back to Arrya … only he’d had to leave the Tundra to find something actually decent because of the recent bad weather. He’d returned to the wall after ripping a couple branches off a willow tree, and been just about to cross the border when … the Tundra had disappeared. Of course, it hadn’t disappeared in the blink of an eye. The land had torn itself apart, shaking and crumbling until there’d been nothing left.
Other horses had streamed out of the land as it had fallen apart, but even now, weeks later, he still can’t find Arrya.
He just knows she’s alright - she can fly after all - but he’s still worried. She’s had so much happen to her lately, and then to lose the only safe haven she has …
She must feel awful.
He’s already searched every inch of the meadow and found no trace of her, and so now he turns to the forest. With all the new territories popping up, he suspects she might have stayed away from them (at least until everything has settled), and looked for a more quiet, peaceful place to wait on the chaos. Like the forest.
He winds his way through the trees, brown eyes scanning for any sign of his old friend. “Arrya? Arrya!” There’s no trace of her yet, but who knows what’s around the next tree …
You've got a heart as loud as lions, so why let your voice be tamed?
Of fucking course. Of fucking course the whole goddamn world imploded. Why wouldn’t it? It isn’t like the whole damn rest of my life going to shit was enough. One good thing, one damn good thing happened, and then the world fucking devoured itself. Naturally. Because it’s not like I get to have any kind of good things happen, and actually stay that way. Is it? Nope. That would be too fucking much.
There hasn’t been a trace of my baby girls in the weeks since the world ended, not so much as a goddamn whisper of even one of my daughters. And they’re pretty damn distinctive, too, with their weird tortoiseshell coloring and all. Though really, Anni hasn’t been around for a good long while anyhow. She disappeared shortly after she turned three, and there’s been no trace of her in the years since. Because her dad going missing wasn’t enough.
God, I just hope she’s okay. Her and Maul both. Even their rat bastard, two-timing father, I hope to whatever gods exist that he made it through this mess okay. I may hate the son of a bitch for what he did to me and the girls, but--look, fine, I’ve loved him my whole stupid life, that’s not something that just goes away, alright?
But what really worries me right now? More than Gendry, because he’s always been able to take care of himself. More than Anni and Maul, because...because some part of me knows they’re okay, even if they’re not nearby. What really worries me is I haven’t seen Rhory. He was right fucking next to me, stepped out of the cave for five damn seconds to look for something for us to eat, and then disaster struck.
The world tore away my wings and my light, because tearing away everyone I love and the only place I had left to call home wasn’t enough. So I’ve spent the last few weeks stomping around the forest in a rage because that’s easier than being scared to death. And if I’ve curled up at night in the dark with tears running down my face and not even a flicker of the light that used to come comfort me in the nighttime, well that’s nobody’s damn business but mine, now is it?
I haven’t spent any time in the forest at all before, so it’s not haunted by a million wonderful, horrible memories. I stayed the hell away from the meadow, because I’m not turning back into a meadow rat just because the fucking world thinks it needs to piss all over us and show us we’re nothing. Like I didn’t already know that. Like Gendry didn’t already fucking show me that, walking away like he did. Rhory’s done his damndest to convince me otherwise, but I’ve always been a stubborn bitch and the world going all to hell has hardly changed that.
So I’m in the middle of a good little rampage as per my usual of late, stomping through the underbrush and snarling at a passing squirrel that dared to chitter at me for walking too close, when I hear the sweetest goddamn sound in the whole world. Someone calling my name. And not just anyone, though let’s be real, there are few enough people alive who know it. My Rhory. Oh, my Lionheart’s okay!
“Rhory!”
I run toward his voice and barrel into him, which was probably a dumb move since he was in kind of rough shape when I found him last time, but frankly I’m not exactly a pillar of logic, okay? And to be a little bit fair, he’s a hell of a lot bigger than I am. So I plow right into him and hold on tight, clinging like the goddamn burr I’ve always been. “You’re okay!”
You've got the light to fight the shadows, so stop hiding it away.
I have died every day waiting for you.
Darling, don't be afraid. I have loved you for a thousand years.
His heart beats in his chest as his brown eyes scan through the thick foliage. Worry is finally starting to pierce through his resolve. What if … what if, god forbid, she hadn’t made it? What if the destruction had caught her off guard, and she’d been trapped in … in … that.
His heart clenches tightly and his breath begins to come in short gasps. No … no, breathe Rhory, breathe. You can’t think like this. He takes a deep breath, trying to calm himself. It would be so, so awful to lose her right after finally having her come back into his life. He … he just wouldn’t be able to handle it …
His ears suddenly perk, catching the faintest hint of a familiar voice calling through the trees …
No, no, his mind must be playing tricks on him. It couldn’t be that easy.
But the voice suddenly grows louder, like it’s growing closer and …
It IS her!
He barely has time to register the fact before the wind is knocked out of him, and he’s nearly forced off his feet. He stumbles, somehow keeping steady, and becomes aware that a tiny little dark figure has practically wrapped itself around him. “Arrya!”
He leans into the embrace for a good few minutes, just enjoying the feeling of her warm coat against his own, the feeling of her heart beating in tandem with his own.
But then he pushes away, forcing himself a few steps away so that he can actually get a good look at her. His brown eyes dart over her bay coat, looking for any sign of an injury sustained in the upheaval, and lets out a loud sigh of relief when he finds nothing.
“God, I’m so glad you’re alright. How did you get out of there? I’d just gotten back to the wall when everything fell apart and …” He steps forward to wrap his scarred neck around her in another big hug. “I feared the worst.”
You've got a heart as loud as lions, so why let your voice be tamed?
My Lionheart! Oh, I could kiss him. Let’s be real, I do, raining a few happy little kisses along his neck, holding him close and squeezing the everliving hell out of him because he’s safe and he’s here and he’s okay and “God, I was so worried!” Yeah, that. He pulls away, of course he does, that whole kissing him thing was probably a little out of line, shit. Oops. I didn’t mean anything by it, I’m just so damn glad he’s alright, and ugh. Idiot. Stupid, careless idiot.
So of course I don’t say anything, because that would just make it awkward. And heaven knows I’ve done enough of that to last both our lifetimes, no matter how long mine’s shaping up to be. “I’m fine. World went crazy and shit. Couldn’t find you. No sign of my daughters, though that’s hardly unusual. Okay so fine maybe I’m freaked the hell out about that.”
No sign of Gendry, but I’m not exactly going to say that, since fuck Gendry and also since that’s...probably not the smartest subject to bring up. See, sometimes I’m not a complete dumbass. Halfwit, maybe, but hey, I’ll take what I can get.
“And I was fucking worried about you. You were so close by when everything went to shit, and I couldn’t find you, and I was terrified that I’d lost you just after I’d finally gotten you back, and you’re here and you’re safe and I missed you like goddamn crazy and I’m so glad to see you, Lionheart.” And fuck it, I’m wrapped back around him, because I need to be. Because if this is a dream I’m going to wake up and my heart’s going to shatter all over again.
God, it’s all so stupid and fleeting, isn’t it? What if he’d died? What if I’d never gotten to see my Rhory again? Shit, no, don’t cry, don’t you dare cry. Dammit, you traitorous bastard tears, you stay put. It’s a happy day, do you hear me? But of course they don’t. Well hell. So Rhory’s shoulder might get a little wet. Doesn’t stop me from holding on tight, or keep me from shaking just a little with some huge, confusing combination of relief and elation and belated panic and whatever the hell else is going on in this weird little heart of mine.
Three’s about as many emotions as I can handle at once, thanks.
“I was so scared I’d lost you,” I whisper, rubbing my face against his shoulder to dry those stupid tears. “God, I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you.” The words slip out before I can catch them, and I somehow manage not to groan and bang my dumb forehead against his shoulder. Not supposed to say shit like that, pretty sure. I still don’t know what exactly the lines are but probably saying shit like my life would fall the fuck apart if you weren’t in it is crossing one of them. Hell, I don’t even know anymore. Doesn’t matter, it’s true.
You've got the light to fight the shadows, so stop hiding it away.
10-02-2016, 10:18 PM (This post was last modified: 10-02-2016, 10:20 PM by Rhory.)
I have died every day waiting for you.
Darling, don't be afraid. I have loved you for a thousand years.
His breath catches in his throat as her lips caress his neck. It’s just instinctive he knows, not meant in that way, just a relieved response to finding him alive, but he can’t help the heat that rises in his skin.
He breathes an inaudible sigh of relief as he pulls away to inspect her, but while the uncomfortable feeling subsides, the heat does not. He does his best to cover it with conversation. “Crazy is right. Have you heard anything? I ran into someone in the meadow that said it was the fairies, but they wouldn’t do something like this … would they?” Not that he has any idea what the fairies would and wouldn’t do, but this just seems so, catastrophic.
He reaches forward to brush her cheek when she mentions her daughters. Having no children of his own he can’t imagine what she must be feeling, but if it’s anything like the feeling of missing her he knows it must be awful. “If they’re anything like you Arrya, they’ll be fine.” He gives her a hesitant smile, though he knows it won’t be entirely enough to comfort her. “Do you have any idea where they might go? Any special place?”
There’s a brief, awkward pause as he thinks of Gendry, and he knows that, while she has not mentioned him, she must be thinking of him too. A part of him hopes that the earth had swallowed Gendry right up along with the kingdoms, but even now he can’t seriously entertain the thought. Gendry is … was … his friend. And while he might try to kick his ass if he saw him again, he can’t truly wish him dead. Not without at least giving him the chance to try to explain himself.
But Arrya is talking again, telling him how worried she’d been that she’d lost him, rubbing her tear-stained face against his shoulder, and his heart feels so full and yet so broken at the same time. “I was scared I’d lost you too. I …” His voice trails off. He can’t even fathom what he would’ve done if … if … “I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you.” But admitting to that rings too closely to his own, deep feelings, and he forces out a little laugh. “But it will take more than a little apocalypse to take me out, don't you worry.”
You've got a heart as loud as lions, so why let your voice be tamed?
My Rhory asks if the fairies would do anything like this, and I grunt and roll my eyes. Not at him, of course, at life in general. “Fuck if I know. Frankly at this point nothing would surprise me. Dark god, fairies, Beqanna itself, who gives a shit why it happened? All I know is it did. I’ve got no wings - and don’t ask how I figured that one out.” Falling down a fucking mountain is not exactly a fun time, turns out, when you don’t have wings to catch you. Thank whatever gods didn’t do all this shit that I managed to come out of that one without anything broken.
Okay, so it wasn’t the whole mountain. Just a little bit of it. Still fucking sucked, okay?
“And even worse, my light’s gone. I’ve got nothing, not even a fizzle or a flash or a goddamn sparkle.” And that makes me grumpy as fuck. And sad, also very much that. But grumpy is easier, so I stick with that for now instead of letting the lonely desolation I’d felt at losing the light wash over me again. Or well, I mostly manage. And I wipe the pathetic little frown off my face quickly enough that maybe he didn’t even see it. Even if he does know me well enough to know how much I’d miss playing with the light in the night, to chase away the darkness just a bit.
It’s not that I’m scared of the dark, okay? Just I don’t like it much. At least not without someone curled around me, feeling the rise and fall of his chest as he breathes, the sound of his heartbeat in my ear as I rest my head on--I snarl and chase away the mental image, ignoring the ache in my chest. Whatever. It’s been dark and lonely and the last few weeks have sucked, but I should be used to being alone at night by now anyhow. It’s just, somehow it’s a whole lot worse in the dark, without even a happy little nightlight to keep me company.
Sighing, I lean into the soft touch of his muzzle on my cheek. A safe place? “There was a spot in the Jungle, but...well, that doesn’t exactly exist anymore, and I don’t think it’d feel much like home to either of them without any of their family around, and I think it’s been a while since any of…” I shrug, my gaze dropping to the ground before I go on. “Since any of Gendry’s family spent any time there. And I’m not really sure where they’ve gone, so...probably not so much. We didn’t spend a lot of time in the Meadow together. Didn’t want too much of it to rub off on them, you know?” I’d been enough of a Meadow rat as a kid, and I didn’t want that for my girls.
So, of course, I’d basically turned them into fucking nomads instead. Well done, Arrya. Way to give your kids the stability you never had. Ugh, not that it would matter now anyhow, since everything familiar but the motherfucking Meadow of all places had been swallowed up by the earth itself. “But you’re right. They got a whole lot of my stubborn, both of them. They’ll be okay.” I hope. Please be okay, girls. God, what I wouldn’t give to see their faces, to hold them close. Not that I fucking have anything left to give, but I’d do it anyhow.
Thank god I have my Lionheart. “You’re damn right it’ll take more than that. You’re my lion, you don’t get to die on me. And same here, one measly little end of the world? Ha. We both know I’m too bull-headed to go out that easily.” I smile and press my cheek against his shoulder, and if I’m stuck to his side like the most annoying burr ever, well, who could blame me? He’s my best friend, and he’s safe, and god I missed him so much.
“Hey, Rhor?” I murmur, my eyes closed so I don’t have to see his face when I ask. “Do you...I mean, I hear there are some...some new places showing up. Where people can stay...you know, not in the Meadow.” And my voice drips with distaste as I speak the word. “Would you...would you maybe want to...I mean, we don’t have to. I don’t care if we wander, that’d be fine too, but if--”
I groan, and press my face into his shoulder, hiding just a little as I try to get the words out. “Do you want to maybe find a place we can call home? We could go looking. If...I mean, if you like. If not, it’s totally fine, and we can just pretend this conversation never happened and set up camp right here, you and me, that’s okay too, I don’t care that much as long as I’m with you. But it might be nice, to actually have a home. Especially with everything being...you know, all...crazy and shit…”
You've got the light to fight the shadows, so stop hiding it away.
I have died every day waiting for you.
Darling, don't be afraid. I have loved you for a thousand years.
She rolls her eyes at his mention of fairies, and Rhory is about to nod in resigned agreement (magicians and fairies care little for the ‘little guys’ after all), but Arrya’s revelation that she’s lost her wings makes him pause in surprise. “What?! Your wings are gone?!” He’s briefly distracted by the mental image of how she must have figured that out (thank god she’s alright), before his brown eyes crane around her to peer at her back. Of course, he doesn’t notice a difference either, given the nature of her wings. But he imagines it must feel horrid to have lost them.
But then she drops the real bomb. “Wha …?” Having known Arrya almost her entire life, Rhory knows how important her light is to her. How much she needs it, loves it. For it to be suddenly gone?
It must be awful for her.
“How? Why?” But of course she mustn’t know. She’d have already told him if she did.
But this just doesn’t make sense. Why would the change in the land trigger Arrya losing her abilities (he’s assuming that the two must be connected, it seems too much of a coincidence for them to not be)? Why Arrya specifically? Despite being the light of his life, he has to admit she’s not really ‘important’ in the grand Beqanna-wide scheme of things. It wouldn’t make sense to pick on her. Unless … “Are you the only one? Or has this happened to anyone else?”
He can see her struggling to keep a more positive expression, and he reaches forward to lip gently at her neck. “You don’t have to pretend to me Arrya. How are you doing with all of this?” He’s never had a trait, but he knows that Arrya’s light, most of all, is an important part of her (not to him of course, but to herself). It must be hell for her.
She muses about where her daughters might be, and he in turn leans deeper against her cheek. She must be so worried about them. What with all the recent changes, they could be practically anywhere. But he means what he said - if they have even an ounce of her stubbornness, they’ll be just fine. “They will be.”
She finally smiles, really smiles at his comment, and his heart leaps as she reaches closer, pressing herself against his side. “Exactly! Far too bullheaded for a world wide disaster to take us down.” She’s so, so close, and his shoulder feels so warm where her cheek presses against it. But argh, this is not the time for such thoughts
She’s talking again, with an unusual displeasure in her tone that brings him back to attention immediately. She stumbles for a few moments, before finally managing to get it out. “Of course Arrya! I’d love to search out a new home with you. Please don’t feel obligated to though …” Why does she sound so unhappy about the prospect?
You've got a heart as loud as lions, so why let your voice be tamed?
Of course he knows exactly how bad it’s been without my light. His quiet concern and the gentle touch of his lips to my neck are a little bit too much for me to keep being mad so I don’t have to collapse into a stupid puddle of tears, and a few strays leak out of my damn eyes and trickle down my cheeks. “I know, Rhory. It’s just...God, I’m so fucking tired of being sad, you know? I feel like I’ve been sad for years, and I hate being sad, I’d rather be angry any day than feeling like I can’t breathe because another thing I thought was mine forever is just gone and every time I forget and try to call the light I just feel so goddamn alone…”
It’s like losing everyone all over again. Every single time. It’s like every time I’d wake up expecting Gendry to be there and he wasn’t. Like every time I waited up for my girls to come home and they didn’t. Like every goddamn mother I ever lost. Like the years I spent hurting because I’d lost Rhory, my heart breaking because I had loved him too much and not enough. Somehow I always seemed to be too much and not enough. And all of that comes flooding back every single goddamn time, and it kills me.
“I just don’t want to be sad anymore, Rhory,” I murmur, my voice shaking as I try not to break the fuck down. Again. God, it hurts to breathe, but I look up and meet his eyes, and there’s something so calming about that summer sky blue. So I wipe my cheek against his shoulder and sniffle a little, and try to remember what else he’d asked.
Oh, right. I snort and shrug. “Hell if I know. But I haven’t exactly gone out of my way to talk to people, you know? It’d be pretty fucking dumb if it was just me, though.” Or just a little too cruel, really. I don’t quite think the world hates me that much. And besides, I didn’t do anything to piss it off recently. It or any asshole magicians, so. “Probably it’s more than just me. I fucking hope, anyhow. Not that I’d wish it on anyone, but...well...I kind of do.”
Oh, and he wants to find a home with me! Oh good! “No, I want to! I just, you know, I didn’t know if you wanted to, and I didn’t want it to be a big thing if you didn’t, it’s not, or I mean, it wouldn’t have to be, but you do? Because I don’t want to live in the goddamn Meadow, and I mean, I’d live here if you wanted but it might...you know, be nice to have a real home for once. I know we’ve never done that before. Or. I mean. Not with other people. Not quite.” I bite my lip and sigh, and admit, “I just...I don’t want to be alone anymore, Rhory.”
You've got the light to fight the shadows, so stop hiding it away.
I have died every day waiting for you.
Darling, don't be afraid. I have loved you for a thousand years.
His heart sinks right along with hers as she finally reveals her true feelings. He’d known of course, but it’s still different hearing the truth from her own mouth, hearing the depth of her pain. “I understand.” And while that might seem like an unhelpful thing to say, he does truly understand, all too well. He’s never lost a trait (never had one to lose), but he knows what it is to lose an integral part of himself - a part that had made life light and beautiful and worth living. He knows what it is to despair. “You’re not alone Arrya. I know I can’t replace the light for you, but I will never leave you alone.” He knows he’s made that promise before and broken it, but he means it. She needs him now, and he would sooner die than let her down again.
He presses his cheek against hers, ignoring the salty tears dampening his coat and the heat that keeps rising in his skin at her touch. “I know Arrya, I know.” And there’s nothing he can do or say to make it better. God it kills him, to see that loss and heartbreak in her eyes. She seems so … defeated. So unlike that spunky little girl he’d first met so many years ago. There’s a thread of her old self still in there of course, but the world has started to break her down, as it long ago broke him down. He wishes he could steal her away from the world and protect her - shield her from all these hurts that are eating away at her.
But that’s the problem isn’t it? He can’t protect her. He’s never been able to protect her.
The best he can do is to never, ever leave her alone again.
He lets her lead the conversation away, but as she wipes her tears on his shoulder (oh treacherous heat) his thoughts can’t help but linger. Fuck whoever’d done this to her. Seriously.
“That’s a good point. It can’t be just you. It just wouldn't make sense.” Arrya’s never done anything to anger the fairies or magicians. As he’d already thought, they’d have no reason to pick on only her. “Wish we knew why though.” Whoever’d done this had wrought changes on such a massive scale … what on earth could have prompted it?
He smiles in spite of himself as she stumbles over her words as talk returns to the possibility of a new home. It’s funny to have Arrya be the one struggling with her own tongue for once. “Oh shush. I would live anywhere with you Arrya. If you wanted to, that is.” His head drops slightly in embarrassment, trying to force back the memories his next admission threatens evoke. “I don’t want to be alone any more either.”
You've got a heart as loud as lions, so why let your voice be tamed?
Of course he gets it. Somehow he’s always understood me, maybe better than anyone. There’s a reason he was my best goddamn friend in the world. Well, a lot of reason, but any time I’ve ever been with him, I’ve felt...like I’m looking into the eyes of someone who knows me. Knows all of me, all the shitty parts and all the even okay parts too, and understands, and just loves me anyhow. “You’re a good man, Rhory Lionheart,” I whisper, nestling against his side and rubbing my face against his shoulder again, and this time not to dry tears away. Just because I want to.
He’s caught up in the thread of current events, pondering the mysteries of why and how and if it’s forever, and I grumble and snort and shrug my shoulder, not that he can really see it since I’m tucked up against him. “Does the why of it really matter, though?” I ask, letting irritation chase away the lingering sorrow. Not at him, never at him. But whatever did this can go fuck itself.
Ah, but he’s trying, giving me a distraction or helping me distract myself, smart man. So I brush my lips against the line of his shoulder, and nod. “I guess it’d at least help a little to know why and how and whatnot. And if there’s anything to be done about it. Maybe we can ask around. You know, actually be social or some shit? Couldn’t hurt. Much, anyhow.”
Aww, hell, have I mentioned he’s adorable? The way he shushes my awkward fumbling with quiet, steady affection coaxes a shy little smile out of me. I steal a quick glance into summer sky blue eyes, ducking my head and nodding and reaching up to press my lips to his cheek. “Okay, Rhory. Then let’s be not alone anymore together.” I’ll start looking; I’m the one who’ll have the hardest time finding a place to fit in. But when I do, we can have a home, him and me. And damn, but that sounds nice.
You've got the light to fight the shadows, so stop hiding it away.
