Noctem
there are nights
when the wolves are silent
and only the Moon howls
when the wolves are silent
and only the Moon howls
“Strange.” My twin sister, my best friend, the only living person who…who ever really sees me, cocked her head, staring at me with those eyes of hers, bluer than sapphires and perpetually unfocused, always looking at more worlds than just the one surrounding her physical body. “Strange, honey, look at me.” She did, and it was…well, I would say it was like she was staring into my soul, but that was kind of a given. But to have her focus her undivided attention on me was a little disconcerting. A little intense. Still, it was what I wanted.
“Yes, NocNoc?” she asked, in that out-of-place little girl voice that should have matured by now, should have darkened and deepened and become the voice of a woman grown instead of a child hiding from the truth. Funny, how she could see so much of others and the world around her, and utterly fail to see herself.
“Strange. It’s time.” Her gaze sharpened, and I could feel the weight of it pressing into me, the cutting edge dancing along my nonexistent skin. “I know you don’t want to hear it, but it’s true.” Her ears, black as the darkest corners of the netherworld, pinned against her neck, and that gaze turned into a glare. “Honey, you can’t run away from the world forever.”
“I’m not running,” she interjected, a little bit of Momma Sol’s fire in her eyes. But it was a lie, even if she didn’t think it. “I’m not,” she said again, more softly this time, her mouth twisting and her gaze dropping to the ground.
Oh, love.
I held her close, wrapping around her like I always had when she was uncertain, scared, confused. It happened so much, even if she hid it from everyone else. The physical world never quite filtered right, never quite made sense. Too loud, too sharp, a constant clamoring dissonance that made her skin twitch, too many things fighting to be Real when nothing quite was and at the same time everything was, all at once, clashing and overwhelming.
She leaned into me, shaking. My brave girl, painting a smile on her lips and wonder into her eyes every time she was drawn to someone who needed her or wanted her or missed her, every time she bumped into one of ours who was already burdened with so much of their own that she would never want to add to it. “Breathe,” I murmured, feeling her draw a slow, deep breath in and let it out. “That’s my girl. You can do it.”
But she shook her head.
“It hurts, NocNoc,” she confessed, her voice jagged and broken. “It hurts so much, just to be. Just to exist. Just to be inside that body. You were right not to come with, you were right to stay here. I should have too. It’s too much, it’s too hard, and I can’t—” She gasped, rocking almost imperceptibly, shaking her head. Not disagreement, not rejection, it was a slow, rhythmic motion that distracted her from her distress. “I can’t do it without you,” she whispered, but that wasn’t it either. It wasn’t true, not quite. Because this had nothing to do with me.
“Strange.”
She sobbed, my broken little angel, curled back into me and cried for all she was worth. “I’m scared, Noctem.” She gave up the childish nickname and finally spoke the truth. “You saw what it did to them, how it tore them to pieces, set them on fire, burned them to ashes and just kept on going. It devoured them, destroyed them, and I’m so goddamn scared it’ll do the same thing to me. I’m not strong enough, Noctem. Not for that. I don’t want it. I don’t want to burn like that. And I’m terrified that if I stay in the body, all that hurt is just going to build up and ignite whatever spark of that fire got passed on to me, and I’ll turn into a wildfire, or a volcano, or the sun. And I can’t. I try. A little. I try to stay long enough to see if it passes, if the world starts to make sense and all the hurting goes away. But it never gets better and I’m too scared to find out if it gets worse.”
“Okay, angel. It’s okay.” Her secret finally spoken, she relaxed against me, collapsing into me, drifting toward the ground and falling into a trance that was as close to sleep as a soul could get here. I joined her, brushed my lips against her mane and held her close as her breathing slowed, deepened, calmed. “You don’t have to be scared anymore. I’ll take care of you. I’ll always take care of you.”
I’d always done it on my own, held her and comforted her and crooned her to sleep and made everything better by being her safe place when the many worlds she walked started to feel unsafe. But this time? This time it was too big for me alone. Mom? I need your help. She would come. She always did. Until then, I curled around my best friend and just held her while she rested.
I didn’t tell her everything. It wasn’t mine to tell, not even now. Not my choice, not my secret, not my life diverging once again from normal paths. My life was long since over, just a few short moments forced on me by a mother trying desperately to hold onto her son. I remembered it hurting, being held into a body that wasn’t meant to hold me. It never had been, not quite. I was the Moon’s child, no matter that she’d intended us both for the Sun. And…and I knew even then, somehow beyond words or thoughts or memories I knew Strange needed me to die just as desperately as she wanted me to live.
So I did.
I wondered, would she be walking this path alone if I had chosen to stay? I wouldn’t have been able to see her the same, not with eyes that only saw the physical world around me, ears that were deaf to anything but the sounds of the body. Her path grew ever darker and more divergent, and if I had lived, she would have been left alone. Never, angel.
Strange had never wanted the rest of our family to see past the smiling blue eyes and the little girl shape of her body. Still, this was beyond what I could help with, and…Mom needed to know some of it, at least. When she arrived, I didn’t even have to look up from where I rested, draped around Strange as if somehow I could keep her warm even without the body she’d fought so hard to keep alive. It seemed to help, at least. She breathed, a slow and steady rise of her dark chest, and slept on even as Mom appeared.
“I should have said she needs your help. She’s not doing so great right now, Mom. Having a hard time. Nothing happened,” I added quickly, just in case she assumed the worst. Pain, disaster, tragedy…I’ve seen pieces of my brothers’ and sisters’ lives, and I’ve spied on strangers sometimes too while visiting Strange, a ghost walking the land of the living, unseen by any eyes but hers. Terrible things happening, that was part of living. But nothing terrible had happened to our Strange, nothing more than happened to her every time she tried to walk in the physical world. “She just…she needs you, I think. Needs to spend some time with you.” I paused, treading the line between what was hers to say and what needed saying whether she wanted it or not.
“She…she wonders sometimes. If she made the right choice, staying with Mom. If she should have died like me. Or…or if the wrong one of us died. I think she needs you this time. And,” I said, realizing it for the first time myself, “and I think maybe she needs just you. Maybe she needs…for me to not be here too. I think maybe sometimes…” I sighed, brushing my lips against the scruff of her mane again. ‘I think maybe sometimes being around me makes it worse, just like—“ Just like being in her body made it worse. But that part wasn’t mine to tell. “Will you watch over her for me? I think…I mean, she needs you more than I do right now, and I think I should go.” The netherworld was a big place, and—
I gasped as the bond that had always tied me to Strange shook, spasmed, twisted and tangled around the one that tied Strange to her body. It grabbed on somehow to the faint echo of a bond that had so very briefly tried to hold me to my own. Awareness shot through me like lightning, sensations trickling in through the newly forged tie to her our—Our? —our body. You take it. I can’t. Please, NocNoc, you take it for a while. I need…
“Shh, angel, it’s okay. Okay,” I murmured against her hair before looking up at Mom again. “I…guess I’m going to go live for a while.” All I remembered of life was a few brief moments of pain, sharp and blinding; the ferocious determination on my mother’s face, and how it faded to despair. Going back to that…but Strange needed me. So I said goodbye to the two people I was closest to in this world or any other, and gave into the gentle pull of a body for the first time in forever.
“Yes, NocNoc?” she asked, in that out-of-place little girl voice that should have matured by now, should have darkened and deepened and become the voice of a woman grown instead of a child hiding from the truth. Funny, how she could see so much of others and the world around her, and utterly fail to see herself.
“Strange. It’s time.” Her gaze sharpened, and I could feel the weight of it pressing into me, the cutting edge dancing along my nonexistent skin. “I know you don’t want to hear it, but it’s true.” Her ears, black as the darkest corners of the netherworld, pinned against her neck, and that gaze turned into a glare. “Honey, you can’t run away from the world forever.”
“I’m not running,” she interjected, a little bit of Momma Sol’s fire in her eyes. But it was a lie, even if she didn’t think it. “I’m not,” she said again, more softly this time, her mouth twisting and her gaze dropping to the ground.
Oh, love.
I held her close, wrapping around her like I always had when she was uncertain, scared, confused. It happened so much, even if she hid it from everyone else. The physical world never quite filtered right, never quite made sense. Too loud, too sharp, a constant clamoring dissonance that made her skin twitch, too many things fighting to be Real when nothing quite was and at the same time everything was, all at once, clashing and overwhelming.
She leaned into me, shaking. My brave girl, painting a smile on her lips and wonder into her eyes every time she was drawn to someone who needed her or wanted her or missed her, every time she bumped into one of ours who was already burdened with so much of their own that she would never want to add to it. “Breathe,” I murmured, feeling her draw a slow, deep breath in and let it out. “That’s my girl. You can do it.”
But she shook her head.
“It hurts, NocNoc,” she confessed, her voice jagged and broken. “It hurts so much, just to be. Just to exist. Just to be inside that body. You were right not to come with, you were right to stay here. I should have too. It’s too much, it’s too hard, and I can’t—” She gasped, rocking almost imperceptibly, shaking her head. Not disagreement, not rejection, it was a slow, rhythmic motion that distracted her from her distress. “I can’t do it without you,” she whispered, but that wasn’t it either. It wasn’t true, not quite. Because this had nothing to do with me.
“Strange.”
She sobbed, my broken little angel, curled back into me and cried for all she was worth. “I’m scared, Noctem.” She gave up the childish nickname and finally spoke the truth. “You saw what it did to them, how it tore them to pieces, set them on fire, burned them to ashes and just kept on going. It devoured them, destroyed them, and I’m so goddamn scared it’ll do the same thing to me. I’m not strong enough, Noctem. Not for that. I don’t want it. I don’t want to burn like that. And I’m terrified that if I stay in the body, all that hurt is just going to build up and ignite whatever spark of that fire got passed on to me, and I’ll turn into a wildfire, or a volcano, or the sun. And I can’t. I try. A little. I try to stay long enough to see if it passes, if the world starts to make sense and all the hurting goes away. But it never gets better and I’m too scared to find out if it gets worse.”
“Okay, angel. It’s okay.” Her secret finally spoken, she relaxed against me, collapsing into me, drifting toward the ground and falling into a trance that was as close to sleep as a soul could get here. I joined her, brushed my lips against her mane and held her close as her breathing slowed, deepened, calmed. “You don’t have to be scared anymore. I’ll take care of you. I’ll always take care of you.”
I’d always done it on my own, held her and comforted her and crooned her to sleep and made everything better by being her safe place when the many worlds she walked started to feel unsafe. But this time? This time it was too big for me alone. Mom? I need your help. She would come. She always did. Until then, I curled around my best friend and just held her while she rested.
I didn’t tell her everything. It wasn’t mine to tell, not even now. Not my choice, not my secret, not my life diverging once again from normal paths. My life was long since over, just a few short moments forced on me by a mother trying desperately to hold onto her son. I remembered it hurting, being held into a body that wasn’t meant to hold me. It never had been, not quite. I was the Moon’s child, no matter that she’d intended us both for the Sun. And…and I knew even then, somehow beyond words or thoughts or memories I knew Strange needed me to die just as desperately as she wanted me to live.
So I did.
I wondered, would she be walking this path alone if I had chosen to stay? I wouldn’t have been able to see her the same, not with eyes that only saw the physical world around me, ears that were deaf to anything but the sounds of the body. Her path grew ever darker and more divergent, and if I had lived, she would have been left alone. Never, angel.
Strange had never wanted the rest of our family to see past the smiling blue eyes and the little girl shape of her body. Still, this was beyond what I could help with, and…Mom needed to know some of it, at least. When she arrived, I didn’t even have to look up from where I rested, draped around Strange as if somehow I could keep her warm even without the body she’d fought so hard to keep alive. It seemed to help, at least. She breathed, a slow and steady rise of her dark chest, and slept on even as Mom appeared.
“I should have said she needs your help. She’s not doing so great right now, Mom. Having a hard time. Nothing happened,” I added quickly, just in case she assumed the worst. Pain, disaster, tragedy…I’ve seen pieces of my brothers’ and sisters’ lives, and I’ve spied on strangers sometimes too while visiting Strange, a ghost walking the land of the living, unseen by any eyes but hers. Terrible things happening, that was part of living. But nothing terrible had happened to our Strange, nothing more than happened to her every time she tried to walk in the physical world. “She just…she needs you, I think. Needs to spend some time with you.” I paused, treading the line between what was hers to say and what needed saying whether she wanted it or not.
“She…she wonders sometimes. If she made the right choice, staying with Mom. If she should have died like me. Or…or if the wrong one of us died. I think she needs you this time. And,” I said, realizing it for the first time myself, “and I think maybe she needs just you. Maybe she needs…for me to not be here too. I think maybe sometimes…” I sighed, brushing my lips against the scruff of her mane again. ‘I think maybe sometimes being around me makes it worse, just like—“ Just like being in her body made it worse. But that part wasn’t mine to tell. “Will you watch over her for me? I think…I mean, she needs you more than I do right now, and I think I should go.” The netherworld was a big place, and—
I gasped as the bond that had always tied me to Strange shook, spasmed, twisted and tangled around the one that tied Strange to her body. It grabbed on somehow to the faint echo of a bond that had so very briefly tried to hold me to my own. Awareness shot through me like lightning, sensations trickling in through the newly forged tie to her our—Our? —our body. You take it. I can’t. Please, NocNoc, you take it for a while. I need…
“Shh, angel, it’s okay. Okay,” I murmured against her hair before looking up at Mom again. “I…guess I’m going to go live for a while.” All I remembered of life was a few brief moments of pain, sharp and blinding; the ferocious determination on my mother’s face, and how it faded to despair. Going back to that…but Strange needed me. So I said goodbye to the two people I was closest to in this world or any other, and gave into the gentle pull of a body for the first time in forever.