"But the dream, the echo, slips from him as quickly as he had found it and as consciousness comes to him (a slap and not the gentle waves of oceanic tides), it dissolves entirely. His muscles relax as the cold claims him again, as the numbness sets in, and when his grey eyes open, there’s nothing but the faint after burn of a dream often trod and never remembered." --Brigade, written by Laura
Help me out before I drown Save me now before I give up
A small bird lands on her backside as if she’s a modern day Snow White. The slim curved ears flick back as the bird starts to chirp and a sudden concentration washes over her face. As if she can understand it’s song. Dear lord, can she talk to animals? The bear within him stirs, claws trailing along his ribcage, showing interest now in the winged mare. As if to ask Ledger, maybe she wouldn’t mind talking to me. Maybe she might accept us. All of us. His nostrils flare in response as he quickly shoots down the beast. No… No he had done that once before. Even before he had lost control, he could sense the wariness in others around him. Even in those that claimed to love him. Then again they had been right in the end. The gift (curse?) had still been new to him, unruly. He hadn’t truly accepted it, not like he had now. Perhaps that was why his temper and rage seemed to pull the strings on the arctic creature, made it more responsive to his moods. Made it harder to control. Although he had now finally accepted his shifted self, it didn't mean he was comfortable sharing that part of himself anymore. Especially when it could be so treacherous.
“Ledger” she says and he finds himself wanting her to always say his name like that. The warmth that surrounds it, as if he was wanted. He doesn’t even know her, so why does he want her to remember his name? Who was she really? This sorceress that let songbirds rest on her withers and could lure beasts to her side? “No. I’ve lived in these lands long before Loess was ever Loess.” His smile is still strained but he tries for her, even as he feels the age that comes with that question and all the memories that come with it. In a normal world he would probably be dead. But Beqanna was far from normal. Even those that weren’t graced with immortality seemed to live longer than usual lives without the repercussions of becoming decrepit and withered. One day, he would grow old and die. For now time was being kind. Or cruel, it was sometimes hard to tell.
He doesn’t see the way her expression changes but can hear it in her voice. As she apologies for disturbing him and his lips quirk slightly in a smirk despite the circumstances, it was a well deserved jab. He ignores the spasm of regret that’s already pricking at his decision. This was for the best. He had promised himself that he wouldn’t allow anyone to get too close again. Oceane was unknowingly dredging up echos that were better left forgotten while simultaneously threading the hope that maybe things could be different. Hope was dangerous, too dangerous for him.
But she lingers. And asks a question that’s too complicated to fully answer. He warily turns his head, arching his neck slightly as he reluctantly looks back to her furrowed brow and penetrating stare. “Let’s just say I have an unpredictable condition.” He pauses, because it’s so much more than that. So much more than just the polar bear that shares his flesh and bones. It’s the mental disease that lurks in his head, the anxiety that’s turning like a stone in his belly, the depression that brings ghosts back from the dead to torment him. It’s the fear of losing control again as he had done on those black sands of Tephra. of hurting those that did not deserve it just to get to the ones that did. It’s only amplified by the bear, making him far more destructive than he would be as just a normal equine.
Saying all that sounds crazy, makes him feel as if he may be crazy. The words physically won’t move from his throat. So instead he finally says with a slight shrug, “One that’s caused issues in the past.” It’s not a lie, he had failed in every role he had ever played for a kingdom or ruler. Not because he wasn’t good at what he did. It was just an inevitable repercussion for when he lost control and failed the sovereign, the kingdom, and most of all himself. “I doubt your kingdom would want that kind of risk.” I doubt you would want that risk.
The idea that there had been a point in Beqanna’s history that Loess had not been Loess sits uncomfortably with Oceane. The space Castile had invited her into nearly ten years prior to this day, the space he had welcomed her into with the promise of an interesting and exciting life, had provided the opaline woman with the most stability she had ever known ─ and that, unfortunately, includes the tumult caused by Castile and his spectacular departure. The thought of her beloved canyons and foothills being anything different is unsettling, but she doesn’t linger in this space for long despite wanting to ask more about what could have been there before Loess ─ not when Ledger, charming and humorous as he has proven to be, has decided that it’s time to excuse her.
His miniscule smirk, the one that develops at her brusque quip, does not go unnoticed by Oceane. It nearly cracks the sharp expression she has swiftly adopted and she fights the urge to grin (a truly uncharacteristic reaction for the Loessian sovereign) in response by swinging her head away from the flaxen stallion to look over her gleaming winged shoulder at, presumably, something interesting that should be in the Meadow behind her. There’s nothing there except struggling grasses and a distant tree line but it does the job, and when her amber gaze returns to Ledger she has composed herself.
When their eyes meet again, he is met with her frown.
An unpredictable condition.
Oceane nods slowly, the lavender tresses of her mane dancing lightly against the curve of her neck as she takes a moment to consider what he has said. She fights against the new desire to be near the man she’d met only just today and bites her tongue against telling him that whatever unpredictable condition he possesses could easily be handled within the foothills of Loess. Because truly ─ could it? Castile rises into her thoughts again, this time in his dragon form.
He had razed the entirety of Icicle Isle and then initiated conflict with the Eastern kingdom, all as the wyvern beast. The predatory nature of his shifted form had overrun anything else he had ever known, and everything he had ever been. Gone was the Castile she had met in the Field, and in his place, she had seen a leather-plated monster. He had left behind Loess and his own yearling, their yearling, and though Oceane had forgiven him long ago, she is reminded of it now as she gazes upon the one-eyed man. If only she knew how close her thoughts were to the secret that Ledger holds.
I doubt your kingdom would want that kind of risk.
She considers this statement for a moment and flicks her tail with agitated thought. Finally, after much internal debate and an unwavering visual inspection of the man, Oceane finds her voice again. “What type of unpredictable condition?”
Meddlesome, direct. “There is space in the northern canyons of Loess that could provide you with an ample amount of privacy,” she tells him matter-of-factly, from her own personal experience, “Perhaps it would be safer for you to deal with your condition there, away from everyone who usually wanders through the common lands.” She thinks of Fiorina and Tarian, her Vanguard Primary and Champion, respectively, and knows she would need to make them aware of Ledger’s presence in the canyons ─ just in case.
“But you will find that I do not beg or coax,” she ends her soliloquy with another rustle of her feathered wings, “So if you feel the need to dismiss me again, I’ll be on my way.”
Help me out before I drown Save me now before I give up
He’s drawn into her molten honeyed gaze and he forces his own away from her face, watching the way a lavender lock curls gently against the hollow of her neck. Wondering if the scent of her hair would be similar to her color, if he tugged gently on that strand and burrowed himself into the softness of it and of her. It surprises him how much he very much wants to do those things. His lips tighten with that sudden desire to be close to her but he easily beats it back by remembering that he had once done the same with another. Had whispered lovely things when pressed against feathered wings and the curve of delicate skin.
Oceane had been quiet as he struggled with these conflicting thoughts, as cool and collected as she had been throughout. He never would have guessed that she was as lost as he was in her memories and her own uncertainty regarding him. He figures she’s just processing the vague hints and realizing what a waste of time this is. What a waste of time he is. Someone like her surely has better things to do. Someone like her surely has a put together family that’s waiting for her, has someone that she whispers her own lovely things to at night. The bear within him is getting exasperated, wanting to come out. Arguing that maybe this time would be different. Ledger refuses him, refuses himself. Refuses to relinquish what little control he has left.
If he had known everything that she had experienced already, he would have told her.. No demand that she leave him be. That he was nothing but a ticking time-bomb and certainly not worth the risk. Yet that pesky hope still lingers, especially when she still makes no move to leave. When she still tries to push for more information. He sighs softly, letting his mask slip just a little. The lines of exhaustion on his face, the haunted look that dims in the hollow of his eye. “One that hurts people.” The words quiet and resigned.
When she still offers Loess, offers him his own private sanctuary, he can’t help but look at her with slight disbelief. Searching the lines of her face as she mentally seems to check in with herself, thinking. “Why?” The word just comes out before he can think twice about it. “You’re not obligated to help me Oceane.” The hope flutters around his glass heart, making it feel weirder then usual. He shifts with discomfort, unsure about this new sensation that could be threatening to his crystal crux and therefore possibly life ending. Once he had wanted to die, had tried to drown himself over and over again in the ocean waters that had beckoned him. Where the ghost of his father called for him to find peace. It was the bear that saved him over and over again and he couldn’t understand why. Once he had wanted to die but now… Now he’s not sure what he wants.
Realizing that his words might have come off harsher then he intended, he tries to amend it. “It’s just… As tempting as that is…You barely know me. And I wouldn’t want to get you in trouble.” Still searching her features, looking for some hint to her reasoning. Trying to find some excuse to deny her. Because it was very tempting. She had made a good point, he probably was more of a risk to himself and others here where the population was larger and the triggers were endless. Despite the overall logic, what tempts him the most is the thought of being able to see her again. Ledger no, this is too dangerous. He had promised himself… He had promised after Ellyse had shattered him that he would never ever again let himself feel for another being. And with the fragile thing in his chest that refused to beat, what could happen if it fractured again? And yet… And yet…
The shade beneath which Ledger hides accentuates the change in his expression ─ from collected and charming to fatigued, well-worn, and somber. One that hurts people. Oceane had not been naive to think that that would not be the case, but to hear him confirm it does make her feel disheartened ─ though not in the way one would expect. Perhaps it’s foolish, especially for the seasoned woman that she is, but Oceane’s instinctive reaction is to hope that the man before her could eventually find happiness without his fear of hurting others. His physical appearance and his unwillingness to relocate away from the Meadow remind her that he has likely tried and failed in the past. Despite this, she’s forced to bite her own tongue to refrain from offering her immediate help.
She doesn’t think he would accept it, anyway.
What she can offer, however, is the safety and privacy of Loess’ northern canyons. Ledger’s reaction is instantaneous. She meets his incredulous why with a steady gaze and another agitated flick of her tinsel-like tail, finding herself suddenly annoyed that he would think she was acting purely from a feeling of responsibility over his health and condition. “Rarely do I feel obligated to do anything,” she tells him finally, and then her voice softens warmly again around the edges, “Loess was the safety I needed when I first found Beqanna. I’d just like to pay it forward.”
I wouldn’t want to get you in trouble.
Her lips twitch into a small, resigned smile as they arrive, again, at a deadlock. There is no point in telling him that it is her ultimate decision who is allowed to remain within her kingdom ─ she suspects he would have another excuse lined up for her. “Okay,” she tells him dismissively, “Then I hope to run into you again in the future, Ledger.”
A woman of her word, she allows herself to be dismissed. Pivoting away from the willow, she extends her gleaming wings and tests her muscle fatigue from the journey here before peaking back at the one-eyed man and offering him a succinct nod. “Be safe,” Oceane adds before she takes to the skies and begins her journey home.
