"But the dream, the echo, slips from him as quickly as he had found it and as consciousness comes to him (a slap and not the gentle waves of oceanic tides), it dissolves entirely. His muscles relax as the cold claims him again, as the numbness sets in, and when his grey eyes open, there’s nothing but the faint after burn of a dream often trod and never remembered." --Brigade, written by Laura
It was rare for Dizzy to find herself alone. With three babies to love on and look after, one of whom rarely left her side and two she’d just gotten back, even a moment alone was a rarity. Today though, the girls were with their...well, one of their fathers, and when Defy had an unexpected urge to explore under the guise of making sure their little piece of the island was safe and protected and patrolled, well. She’d encouraged his protective instincts and his curiosity, hoping perhaps he’d make himself a little friend or two in the process. It wasn’t good for him to only really know family, he needed to interact with others.
Or he’d turn out like she had.
She closed her eyes, drawing in a deep breath and letting it out slowly with a soft little sigh. She loved them all. Honestly now, not just the pretty smiles and empty eyes she’d had this time a year ago. Something had shifted in her when she’d almost died; maybe the man who’d worked so hard to break her had broken something else instead. Or too. Who even knew?
Her hair had started to grow back, still short and fine and rough around the edges, the colors bleeding together in an odd stitched pattern that left her feeling haphazardly pieced together, like a patchwork ragdoll. It felt fitting somehow, when her life felt just as pieced together, trying so hard to sew hasty stitches in pieces that didn’t quite match, hold something together instead of letting it all fall apart. The time for secrets had long since passed, and here they were still not quite breaking it all open for fear of the damage the truth would do. The girls weren’t stupid, though, and they weren’t blind.
She just hoped they were resilient, and held them close any chance she got. Just in case.
She should find Zor, though, talk to him, try and...sort things out somehow. Find a way to mend what was broken between them, because...sometimes it felt like everything was broken between them. Just because she didn’t love him the way he wanted didn’t mean she didn’t still love him. But maybe...maybe she had to let him come to her, take the space he needed and come talk when he was ready. Gods knew she couldn’t push him, or make him be okay with something that hurt him so deeply just because she missed him. Just because her heart ached for all the pain she’d caused him.
Probably she should’ve walked, had herself a little wander while everyone else did the same. But she didn’t quite have the heart to today, and just picked a nice shady spot to curl up instead, letting her mind wander and drift instead. Defy was happy here, but he’d be happy anywhere his daddy could find him. Zor and their girls at least hadn’t objected, and why would they object to a beautiful island that was safe from the sickness that swept the world?
Dizzy...hell. She didn’t know what home even meant anymore. This was as good a place as any, better than many, and it was beautiful. It just didn’t...really feel like hers, in her bones, in her chest. She felt like a visitor imposing on the island’s hospitality in a way she never had with the river. Faked it for the kids’ sake, as was her usual approach, but her heart ached at the way nothing felt like home.
Well. Almost nothing. Warmth bloomed in her chest and her cheeks when she heard his footsteps, and her dark eyes opened, settling on him with a softness that still startled her. Her lips curved into a welcoming smile, and she murmured a quiet little, “hey. I missed you.”
He'd been gone a few days, and the moment he had the chance to, he went looking for her. First, he'd settled at a distance and watched her from afar, glancing at the family on their separate outing, the twin girls glued to each other as always and Zoryn not far. And Defy off on his own, powering his way into who-knows-what kinda trouble.
She was quiet a while, curled up in the shade and following thoughts that took her away. He wanted to bring her back, wanted to see that wicked smile again.
He slid from his place like another shadow, strolling to her with quiet steps. Once again, he couldn't seem to let things just lie. It was harder to do when there were times like now where he could catch her alone. He'd find his boy soon, but he never got a chance to really check on her, to really see how she was doing.
His black gaze met her eyes steadily as she opened them, smiling softly up at him and making his heart ache. Even after everything she'd been through she was beautiful. Beautiful like she would never believe if anyone told her. And healing. Good. He held that look with a blank stare as he continued walking closer, his eyes a little too sharp, a little too focused. When he was directly in front of her, he stopped. His head lowered down to her and he breathed in her scent beside her jaw, careful not to get too close, careful not to touch her.
"Hey. I missed you."
He touched her anyway, her skin soft and new. She never should've went through what she had. He or Zor.. they should've been with her. He pulled back, and gave the ground a brief glance before choosing a place beside her to lower himself. With a safe distance. He definitely shouldn't touch her. That often, and very quickly, led to a lot more touching between them.
His attention was outward again, watching Defy and feeling a weight in his chest. He was quiet a long moment, solemn. Had Violence not found him those years ago, maybe he and Diz would've been together now, really together. He would've kept working, kept coming back to see her grow bigger with the girls, watch her raise them and grow-- or not grow bigger with their boy. And depending how Zoryn handled it, maybe they would've stayed together. Maybe they would've still been together after all this time.
"I've had more children," he finally said quietly, his voice firm. He wasn't a coward, he wouldn't hide it from her. Maybe it'll make her hate him. It was almost a default to think everyone would at some point. He had certainly earned it. "More than Atrani. And Defy. ...And Zoe." None of them planned, but each of them very real and very near.
Dizzy didn’t know how to read the look in his dark eyes, sharp and intent and not quite what she was expecting to see there, but it had always been a bit of a guessing game what kind of mood he’d be in when he showed up after being away even for a couple of days. His tempestuous unpredictability was part of what she loved about him, the way even when she thought she knew what was going on in his gorgeous head there was still a taste of danger in the way her heart raced as he drew near, a storm in his eyes as he closed the last bit of distance between them.
So careful not to touch, though, for a moment at least, just breathing her in, giving her a chance to do the same. She came alive as the scent of Dovev washed over her, eyelids lowering to half mast as just the smell of him woke her up in ways only he could. That soft smile edged toward a wicked grin as he gave in and stole a soft little touch, and she brushed her lips against the starlit spot on the corner of his mouth where she so loved to bite. Just a tiny little tease as he pulled back and settled in way too far away. Enough distance that they weren’t quite in easy touching reach, at least, which felt like a shame to her.
She sobered quickly though as the silence stretched out for a long moment, heart racing for a very different reason. This wasn’t just a visit, then. It was A Talk. Her mind flashed to the worst, stretching to fill the silence. He looked well, but the plague had struck him. Of course it had, he was so good at getting himself into trouble, how could it resist? Defy would die if Dov did, but no. Dov was too stubborn to die, or at least to let anything as small as death keep him from getting revenge on whatever killed him, whether it made sense or not. Whether it was possible or not.
So a different kind of bad, then. For one stupid moment she flashed back to fever nightmares, her pathetic, broken self begging him to love her and the way he’d pulled away in disgust, said he could never be hers. She’d wrecked herself on that look in his eyes, torn herself apart to stop feeling the disdain and the horror she’d seen in his perfect black eyes, or the way it burrowed into her newly healed skin and slowly ate away at everything she was trying so hard to put back together.
She was ruin, and when he looked at her, all he’d ever see was a burned, mangled, dying mess who couldn’t keep his son safe from the monsters of the world, and she’d failed not only herself but both of them too. No, of course, how could he ever want--but that was all so fucking stupid, and irrational, and she wasn’t going to let that flaming asshole win, not even in her head where no one could hear it but her. He didn’t get to win. He didn’t get to control her, not even the race of her heart or the frantic whirl of thoughts through her mind. Her nameless attacker didn’t get to take her future the way he’d sunk his claws into her skin.
He could go die in his own fire before he got to take the rest of her life. Maybe he owned a few horrible moments of it, but he didn’t get the rest of it. Or at least that was what she liked to tell herself, even when it felt like a bald-faced lie.
She could understand though, if Dov looked at her and couldn’t see beyond the wreck she’d been. Some days it was all she could do to pretend she’d gotten past it herself. But she could close her eyes and imagine Dov touching her imagine his lips on her skin, his teeth nipping with delicious insistence, her body always so damn responsive to his touch, even the thought of him enough to make her ache with need. Until she imagined the weight of a body on her back, a grip on her hips, and fire swept through her, sending her into a panic. Her skin remembered the searing agony, no matter how she tried to forget. Her body remembered the horror, and even an imagined touch was enough to leave her senseless with fear.
She couldn’t blame him if he couldn’t see past it either.
Maybe it was no more than she deserved after the way she’d broken Zor’s heart.
She knew she was being stupid and irrational, even moreso when he finally opened his mouth and let the words out. Words that stabbed their way through her heart like swords, making her glad she’d closed her eyes and focused on her breathing again, trying to keep steady and pretend she hadn’t managed to think herself to the edge of another panic attack. Just keep breathing. Let the pain of those words wash over you, flow through you. Wasn’t so hard, not really. She’d gotten so used to breathing through the agony, what was one more kind? So he’d fucked other women. Maybe loved other women. He’d told her a long time ago he didn’t think she had what it took to give him everything. She had no reason to expect him to spend all this time celibate. He hadn’t expected it of her, hadn’t thought she was capable of it, had told her to go fix things with Zor. Had all but told her to fuck him.
It took her a stupid long time to open her eyes, so damn determined she wouldn’t cry. “Okay,” she said softly, before she quite managed it. Her voice shook, and she swallowed hard, fighting to steady its traitorous tremor. “I...don’t really know what to say. I...guess you had no reason not to--” She cut off, still not sure how to step forward in a moment that felt so fragile. Like the world was all but crashing down around her and all it would take was one wrong word to bring it all tumbling down. “You said yourself you didn’t think I could--so I guess...I guess that makes sense.” Funny, she’d never thought sense could hurt so damn much, like gasping for air and watching herself bleed out on the ground at his feet while he watched with those wary black eyes waiting to see if she’d…blame him.
“What now?” she asked softly, meeting those eyes. “Maybe I had no right to expect anything, not with where we left things before…” Before he’d disappeared. “But obviously a lot has changed since then. So...where do we stand now?” Do you even want me anymore? Is that why you stayed away so long? I-- But curling up in a ball of desperate, sobbing insecurity wouldn’t help, wouldn’t change anything, wouldn’t give either of them any answers. So she did her goddamn best to hold herself together, and fuck if she hadn’t gotten halfway decent at pretending she wasn’t dying inside in the last year or so. She cursed the way her voice still shook, the way her jaw clenched against the ache in her throat, the way tears crept slowly into her eyes, threatening to fall even as she dug in stubborn, frantic heels and held on tight to what dignity she could pull together.
She wouldn’t beg. She wouldn’t be her mother. If he didn’t want her, didn’t want the home she’d promised him over a year ago now, didn’t want a broken, patchwork mess with a tattered, aching heart and disaster written in her soul, well then she’d do what she’d been doing since the day Defy was born. Survive. For that little boy, if nothing else. For him and the girls. She’d gotten damn good at breathing even when parts of her begged her to quit. So if it was her heart this time, well, what was one more broken piece?
Somehow he'd managed to deny that it would hurt her as bad as this, convinced himself at some point. Maybe because he'd been kidnapped for most of that time, pushed everyone he cared about out of his mind so She wouldn't see them, wouldn't learn about them. He was so good at that, too good at it. It wasn't the first time he'd pushed them so far out of his thoughts that he forgot them, could only glimpse a flash of color or a whiff of a scent every now and then in his memory. Not that she knew any of that, and he wouldn't tell her. It wouldn't make it any better, wouldn't change a damn thing.
"Okay," she said so softly, trying to hold herself together. Her voice trembled as she continued, and his eyes turned sharper and stayed forward away from her. "You said yourself you didn't think I could--so I guess...I guess that makes sense."
He tensed and forced himself to stay still when everything in him wanted to snap at her and hug her tight, never let go until she knew it wasn't her. She hadn't failed him. She'd been wonderful, exactly what he'd needed. He'd been stupid, again. He'd fucked up again. He caught the attention of a powerful woman and was her puppet for a time. None of it was her fault. He was a complete idiot, it was all him.
And he was such a worthless POS that he couldn't even tell her. Wouldn't. They sounded like excuses and she deserved better than that. Better than anything he could give her.
"What now?," she asked quietly. "Maybe I had no right to expect anything, not with where we left things before..." It felt like a slap, a stab. One he deserved, as he always did. "But obviously a lot has changed since then. So...where do we stand now?"
Fuck, he just wanted to drag her ass in and hold her, lay her under him and worship her gorgeous body another time, show her it definitely wasn't her. She was amazing. And fucking delicious. And worth so much more. But he couldn't. Because that would confuse her, and confuse the fuck out of him too. And because of Heartfire, or whatever he was to her. He still didn't even fucking know if they were together or not, if she was off sleeping with whoever-the-fuck she wanted when she was away, if he was a total idiot for not immediately shoving Diz beneath him and reminding her what it's like to scream in joy from so much pleasure.
God, and he knew exactly what she looked like when she did it, exactly how she sounded, how her sexy dark hair fanned out around her. He could hardly fuckin' breathe, getting himself worked up just remembering it. He shot to his feet and paced away, his body locked up tight and tense, his skin flushed with heat. He paced back, paced away again. He couldn't even catch a moment to fuckin' think straight. Geez, how long had it been since he got laid now?
"Fuck," he breathed. God, okay. He had to get a handle on this. He wouldn't-- he couldn't even-- she asked? Something. "Shit." Oh, hell. If he was with Heartfire, she was gonna fuckin' kill him. No, it's fine. He didn't fuck her. No kissing. Not even a cuddle or some shit. It's fine. Getting fuckin' hard and restless totally doesn't count. They had history, some really fuckin' steamy history. A lot of it. It was like a bodily habit, that's all. Sure, exactly.
Besides, he probably wasn't even with Heartfire, so what the fuck ever. Okay, but he seriously still had to get the hell out of here.
"I gotta go," he dropped hastily as he walked away. God, a nice cold soak in the damn sea oughtta set his idiot head straight again. Straight to the water, then. Exactly where he was going. Absolutely. Back in a bit, only gotta run like hell before he manages to fuck up his life again. So good at that.
He scrambled to his feet and started pacing, and it was enough to make her heart sink, make her eyes close against the wash of pain as he started quietly cursing. Good conversations about the future didn’t start like that, or at least she imagined they didn’t. Had she ever really had one? God, she wasn’t sure anymore, and wasn’t that just a little too sad to dwell on right now? When there was hurt looming over her, clenched behind those perfect, kissable lips like he was fighting not to break her with what was clearly rejection trying hopelessly to find a sugar coating.
He didn’t want her anymore. He just...couldn’t stand to tell her, couldn’t find a way to make the words hurt less. She opened her mouth to let him off easy, find a way to break her own heart so he wouldn’t have to, when he spat out a hasty, “I gotta go,” and took off.
Ah, hell.
She clambered to her feet, calling after him, “Dov, wait.” Not really expecting him to listen, because...well, she knew how much it sucked to break things off with someone you cared about but...but didn’t want like that anymore. It was fucking awful, and it hurt, and she wouldn’t wish it on him, just...just she needed the words. Needed something to make her stop lighting up when he looked at her, to stop smiling softly at the thought of his endless black eyes, needed to crush any last bit of hope in her stupid, reckless heart or she’d just keep needing him. Just keep wishing she’d be more, wishing she’d be whole enough, wishing she could unwrite disaster from her soul and be his.
So she chased after him instead of letting him go, cut him off and spun to face him. “It’s okay, ba--” But he wasn’t her baby, was he? Almost, once, but...but he didn’t want to be anymore, and she had to deal with that. “It’s okay, Dov,” she tried again, stealing one more look into those gorgeous eyes that always seemed to pull more from her than she ever thought there was. “You can tell me,” she said, her voice falling to a whisper, a sad little attempt at a smile on her lips that faltered and fell as her gaze dropped to the ground. “I know what I am, and it’s...it’s okay. I’m disaster, I’m too broken, I probably couldn’t even--it’s okay.
