"But the dream, the echo, slips from him as quickly as he had found it and as consciousness comes to him (a slap and not the gentle waves of oceanic tides), it dissolves entirely. His muscles relax as the cold claims him again, as the numbness sets in, and when his grey eyes open, there’s nothing but the faint after burn of a dream often trod and never remembered." --Brigade, written by Laura
Ilma drinks in the rare sunlight near the lake - some of the water in Hyaline is frozen, but the lake is far too large and too open for the wind, that it does not freeze over as easily as the rest. Now and then, she moves to take a drink, or a bite, but she savours whatever she can of the sunlight.
She remembers another rather rare sunny day, this autumn, and grins to herself a little. She pushes the thought away however. She probably won't see him again until perhaps the next autumn, and by then she won't be a pretty silly little girl on her own any more.
She's starting to show, after all.
More round than she used to be, she deliberately opts not to fly around any longer, instead using her wings mostly for warmth. She treasures her little one; like she'd told Noirmay before, she might have a foal come spring, and it turns out that she will. Perhaps they will get along with the buckskin girl, she might like that.
Suddenly she lifts her head. Kagerus is here, too. Ilma remembers what she had said at the start of the Beqanna games very clearly. That she bears life, also. But that she's afraid of it, or for it, because it was to harbour death. But what is death without life? Every mother must have gone through such a phase - the 'what if I die in childbirth' question is reasonable, but nothing they can do something about really. At least in Ilma's opinion that is. But perhaps with Beqanna's silly magic rules, like bestowing shadow manipulation on a little boy and granting Kagerus wings for a few hours just because she has dreamt of flight... why, maybe there is still an option. But that's for Kagerus herself to decide.
Speaking of her spotted friend, it seems that she must be around. Ilma lifts her head to turn in the direction of the scent and calls to her a greeting. It sure is a day to just enjoy the (albeit dry) grass, the water, and the meagre sunlight, isn't it?
@[Kagerus]
Any fool knows men and women think differently at times, but the biggest difference is this: men forget, but never forgive; women forgive, but never forget.
Out with the golden we sew, and the lower past that crawls.
Now, to the doorway you run, to the girl that's not lost.
Where Ilma's memories cause her to grin and blush, mine bring only confusion and turmoil. A part of me loved what Rapt and I shared that night in the dream (lost in each other's embrace, minds sacrificed to the way our skin caught fire when brushed together), and yet no love could ever change what has now been bestowed upon me.
The child. Not yet wide enough to swell my barrel - but soon. Too soon. And with every day closer to birth, the fear inside of me rises. I don't want to die. I don't want for my brother to hate me because of it. I don't want my child to grow up without a mother --
-- I shudder (though not because of the cold). I need to get my mind off this - with the Beqanna games started, and the Alliance too, I am well in need of some relaxation. I won't have much time to do so for a while... And if I am to die because of this child, then I deserve to at least enjoy the months it gives me until that time.
I am wandering past an outcrop of mountains, the river falling some ways to my right, when a crystal call wafts to my ears. Ears and head perking in the noise's direction, I hesitate for a moment before kicking myself forward: I just said that I needed a distraction, and this is it. Hopefully I will be able to contain myself this time, unlike when I met with Solace - I am still embarrassed by how emotionally I acted then.
Putting on a brave face and a smile, I whinny back to the figure who I now place as Ilma, her wings squeezed around a belly that I can't quite identify as pregnant yet. Fresh snow crunches beneath my hooves as I walk, and before long, our misty breath is mixing as I reach out to nuzzle her soft nose. We are kingdom-mates now, but more than that: friends, too.
"Hello Ilma," I say with a pleasant tone, determined to keep my secrets secret... Even though this woman knows my deepest fear. "I'm glad to see you still around Hyaline. How have you been?"
03-09-2018, 04:35 PM (This post was last modified: 03-11-2018, 07:10 AM by Ilma.)
A little breeze goes a long way
The white mare's wings hang perhaps a bit lower than they normally would have - it's an instinctive reaction almost, to cradle her little one. They are not yet big enough to feel the movements; but Ilma knows that she feels different, and she also knows that the timing was probably just right. Perhaps a hormonal influence is the main excuse for her day in the meadow with Ashhal, although truth be told she might just fall again and again if there was such a chance meeting once, twice, or many times more.
Kagerus is a fraction of a second late to respond; perhaps she was lost in thought. Ilma knows her secret now; but only because she admitted to the Games as well. Not because Kagerus had wanted to tell her, but because she was forced to. It's no wonder that she evades the subject, and the greeting continues in a more general question.
The once-cremello, now purely white mare gleams. "I'm good. I met some new equines, here and also in the Meadow. But one of them... and I've been recruiting a little... though I feel like I have not yet seen all of Hyaline or all of it's members. So I best get to know the current members before spring." she stumbles over the words, she has too many things to tell Kagerus and her priorities are a little jumbled. A bit unlike how she usually is, if that's a subtle giveaway, but it could be forgiven. She hasn't spoken to Kagerus much, because she has been competing in the Alliance.
Her tail swishes back and forth in the cold air, an act that shows her eagerness to act, to tell, to do anything, but that she doesn't exactly know how or where to start. It feels like next spring will be some kind of deadline, because she doubts that for the first year she will be moving around as much as she has the last couple of months, if there's a foal to look after.
@[Kagerus]
Any fool knows men and women think differently at times, but the biggest difference is this: men forget, but never forgive; women forgive, but never forget.
Out with the golden we sew, and the lower past that crawls.
Now, to the doorway you run, to the girl that's not lost.
I had seen the crowds in the stadium that day, and I had been informed of the team lists, too. It's evident in our exchanged gaze that both of us know exactly what I have uttered so publicly, but there's also a kindness and understanding passing between us - a kind of quiet denial to show that there's respect between us for the more private aspects of our lives. My gratitude shows in the depths of my glimmering nutmeg eyes.
My brows curl a little in curious confusion at Ilma's fumbling words however, and I smile, trying to encourage her to get it all out in the open. I couldn't with a good conscience not let this mare spill the beans if even I can't keep it together sometimes! And besides, I consider Ilma my good friend, and she can trust me. At least, I feel as if I can trust her, which is worth something between us.
"It sounds like you've had tons on your mind lately!" I chuckle amiably, reaching out to bump noses with the mare. "But I'm glad you've been keeping busy. Hyaline has been a little... Empty these days, but I'm pleased to hear that you've been recruiting, as I have been."
Feeling that this conversation is a little too political for mares as close as we are, I clear my throat loudly, obviously for effect. Then I shrug my shoulders, smiling a little sheepishly. "Anyway, you know about my little gift," I motion to my still-flat belly, and then turn to wiggle my brows at the beautiful snow-white figure. "Were you also... blessed this fall?"
Tons of things she did, and had on her mind indeed. Ilma grinned sheepishly, found guilty as charged if you please. She listened to Kagerus, explaining Hyaline was a but too quiet for er taste and Ilma smiled. ”At least you and I are going to i crease our numbers I would thi k.” she chuckled. She nodded at the latest question asked, yes, blessed was a word to describe it. ”I er, let myself go; but I doubt I’ll see the father anytime soon. He’s not the type to linger, I’m afraid.” she sighs; Ashhal was too much roaming around for anything like a family life. She knew that back then, but at the moment she had not cared. ”But no worries about foals that won’t be here too soon, hmm? I’m sure if anything happens, either of us could care for the other’s baby. And Solace is still around, also.” she ensured; a subtle way to tell Kagerus that should she die in childbirth like she had said at the Games was predicted, the child would have love and be told about their mother. Although Ilma believed that there possibly was a way somehow, still. No reason to despair about things that lay in the future.
”What about yours? What’s the story there?” she wonders. She somehow had not thought to find Kagerus pregnant, but here she was, so Ilma was curious. Kag could make this as short or long a story as she wanted, depending on how much she wanted to share at the moment.
@[Kagerus]
Any fool knows men and women think differently at times, but the biggest difference is this: men forget, but never forgive; women forgive, but never forget.
Out with the golden we sew, and the lower past that crawls.
Now, to the doorway you run, to the girl that's not lost.
She responds to my cheeky prompt with a sheepish grin that tells me everything I need to know before any words leave her lips, and I smile back girlishly, as if we are two gossiping girls instead of grown women burdened with the responsibility of parenthood, or, y'know, death. At any rate, I've had my emotional release with Solace, and I needn't burden another mare with my sorrows, especially one that already knows about them, as anyone who was present that day now does.
"My partner is elusive as well," I offer, thinking to Rapt, my river-dwelling lover, the whom I crawl back to again and again. But Ilma is offering a different kind of favour, then, and I cast my gaze downward, humbled at her generosity and humanity. That she would put herself in that position - and even going so far as to include Solace - an intense gratefulness swells my bosom at the fact that I chose this land. I would not be here without Hyaline - I would be in despair, purely and utterly.
"Thank you, Ilma, that means more to me than you know." I step forward, pressing my muzzle to her hers in wordless gratitude. As I am pulling back, her eyes flash into mine, and she asks a far less sensitive question; my ears flick back, uncomfortable at such a light question for such a heavy topic, but I ease them forward, deciding to divulge as much as I can without rendering myself an emotional mess like before.
"I met Rapt, like I said. At the River. He's... Beautiful, and lovely. I took him to where I dream, and I suppose... I suppose I became addicted to the feeling of him pressed against me in that Other World. By the time I considered that our relations while dreaming could have real-life effects, it was... too late." My eyes study the grass, frowning, hating myself. "And it's awful because I... I was happy. I was elated. I wanted to be a mother."
Ilma nods only slightly when Kagerus mentions the elusiveness of her partner. Perhaps it is an old instinct, from where horses came; for the males to roam and the females to knit into a close herd to raise the children they had produced last season, either with or without the father around. It's just a bit of a shame that the stallions don't often see their children so much as they should, because Ilma thinks that learning always is a two-way street, and that a foal in all it's innocence will ask questions that even the oldest man or woman might learn to think in a different way. Alas, it seems for the both of them this is not the case, or at least not for Ilma. Someday she'd like to meet a man who stays around more, but with Ashhal she had known there was no hope of asking him to go back with her to Hyaline.
Her words go deeper than they should have for any other woman, however hormonally upset they might be. Ilma leans into Kagerus' touch, a touch of sturdiness that she will be here, no matter what (unless in the unfortunate incident that she might die in childbirth herself). The prophecy must weigh heavy on the spotted bay, and Ilma is there just to offer mental support and to listen.
As the story rolls forward, Kagerus tells her about a dream, and Ilma blinks. Her mind races like crazy. "So, you brought the child back from the dream like your wings?" she concludes. It sounds strange and logically at the same time. She feels sorry for Kagerus, when she almost angrily tells the grass that she will never be a mother. Ilma's heart breaks only just a little, but enough to have her mind racing, searching for opportunities. "What if you... dreamed it differently?" How big is this power of hers? Could she birth while dreaming and live?
@[Kagerus]
Any fool knows men and women think differently at times, but the biggest difference is this: men forget, but never forgive; women forgive, but never forget.
Out with the golden we sew, and the lower past that crawls.
Now, to the doorway you run, to the girl that's not lost.
Though she nods as if in understanding, I am not sure she does; she understands her situation with her partner, yes, but when I say elusive, I mean to others besides myself. Unto me, Rapt is far from elusive: he is obedient, patient, knelt to receive my ever whim as if it were a command. He is precious and darling and before I found out about the death inside of me, I think I could have been in love with him - but these are things I can't consider any more, because for the love of god, how can I truthfully consider anything in my right mind any more?
But regardless of her limited understanding, my alabaster friend is there for me, pressing into me and lending me a sense of grounding that I so desperately needs at times like these, when it would seem that I can barely exist in reality at all. I breathe in her lovely scent, closing my eyes and concentrating on our close proximity, remembering that there are those who love me, and that in her own way, Ilma is one of them.
"Something like that... It was more that we conceived the child in a dream, and I brought back the fertilized egg into the real world. It was small enough that it could support itself in reality without fading like my wings. It would be a miracle, if it weren't a nightmare." Inhaling shakily, I lift my head from her shoulder to gaze around us, my mane billowing in the warm wind. At her final suggestion however, my ears press back and I look to her in both curiosity and apprehension. For a time, I am quiet; considering; thoughtful.
"You know, it had never occurred to me that that might be a possibility but..." And here my eyes turn again, downcast, worried and stressed and overwhelmed with my fruitless reality. "But I will try it, when the time comes. Thank you for giving me hope, dear friend." Turning once more, I smile, and move to press my lips to her a final time. "I have to be off now though, I promised Khaedrik that I'd show him the bottom of the lake in my dreams. Hopefully I'll see you again before..."
I pull a face, blink at her fondly, and turn to leave. With every step, my heart sinks further. Goodbye, sweet Ilma.
![[Image: kag]](https://78.media.tumblr.com/2e8039018ce4dff6112c167ec23e886a/tumblr_p72zjit7wC1s5a0qvo1_100.png)