"But the dream, the echo, slips from him as quickly as he had found it and as consciousness comes to him (a slap and not the gentle waves of oceanic tides), it dissolves entirely. His muscles relax as the cold claims him again, as the numbness sets in, and when his grey eyes open, there’s nothing but the faint after burn of a dream often trod and never remembered." --Brigade, written by Laura
She had watched him. From the moment he had entered the clearing where the meeting had been held she had known just where he was and her eyes tracked him as he made his rounds. He had stopped before the green mare next to her, extending his nose in greeting, suggesting a familiarity and comfortability with one another. The twinge of jealousy that followed was shocking to Tyrna to say the least. She felt herself drawing back, pulling her thoughts and feelings leaving nothing but a blank puppet fro the other members of the Taiga to see. Tyrna was already grossly uncomfortable at having been called for like a dog by someone she had yet to meet, she knew that wasn't Reagan's intent but it stung her pride all the same, so any other conflicting emotions just hurt her head.
She was about to pull back, to withdraw from the small gathering and hide in the warm shadows beneath the trees when finally, finally, blue eyes found blue. He did not reach for her as he brushed past, he did not even stop a nod a greeting, but when he turned to take in the assembled members of the forest before finally settling his heavy gaze on her, she couldn't breathe. He stood apart from them all, somewhere in between the ruler and the people, but she did not look away. Blue met blue and the world slipped away. Tyrna listened half heartedly as others came and said their piece, but it wasn't until the monarch sidled up and tucked herself in comfortably at Ruan's side that the spell was broken. A quick shake of her head seemed to set her straight. The words Ruan and I echoed over and over between her ears until it was too much. The steel girl had never been one to get caught in the middle, and perhaps this was her cue to walk away.
Tyrna bobs her head in respect to both monarchs before taking her leave. If he wanted to find her he would, and a small part of her hoped that he did.
She hadn't known he was a ruler here, unless his mannerisms gave that away, married to these woods and to Reagan. At least he didn't think she did, he hadn't told her. He had been content to be just a man to her, just a strange man with wolfish ways. An equal. But the truth of who he was had been thrust in her face before he could have a chance to tell her himself, as Reagan melted possessively into his side and displayed his position even as he was comfortable letting her lead her own meeting. When he looked up from those radiant green eyes, Tyrna had been gone.
He scanned the faces, greeted the late arrivals, but the blue of his eyes never again met the blue of hers.
He'd had to run a while after that meeting before he could try to seek her out, had to burn off the deep-seated fury at his enemy's pawn walking freely into their gathering, as if he belonged there. Because he did belong there. So Ruan didn't stop until he was comfortably gasping for air, soaked in the same chilly creek he and Tyrna had laid in as she told him her story, as he did not return it with his.
As soon as he was calm, as soon as the hate and mistrust was folded and tucked safely away again, the first thing he did was try to find her. It didn't take him long, as though somehow he could just know which direction to go. And she wasn't far from that same creek, the water still dripping down his purple-spotted sides.
He approached her carefully from behind, stopping at a polite distance with his head low as a cautious wolf might, uncertain if she would want to see him. Tyrna.. he called softly, worried blue eyes searching for hers from the dark of his black face. Had he messed this up too? He wasn't sure how to express how much he dreaded the loss of her.
There was still a taut string from him to her, he felt, and he wasn't sure why or what it meant. Still curious to find why he seemed so tuned to her. But maybe in time. Tyrna, I.. but his voice faded into the shadows, and his eyes fell to the ground. Words were once again a frustrating challenge for him, lost somewhere in his mind where his mouth couldn't grab them. So instead he waited, and hoped she would stay a while with him. Hoped she was not upset. Hoped things between them were okay.
She had to leave. Something about watching the little grey mare pressed lovingly against his side made her fell an anger she thought long buried. So so she left and she ran. She had grown sleek and muscled again in the year that she had spent safely nestled in the trees she called home. Running away came easier when your legs could go longer without rest and your lungs didn't burn after three strides. Her long limbs easily tore up the ground as she pushed herself to move faster, to run, to escape.
Tyrna didn't know why she felt the need to disappear, perhaps she was a coward. Perhaps this was something that her old self would have done, caving in to the anger and sorrow that chased each other in circles around her head. Whatever the cause was, she ran until she was lost. Until the vision of glacier eyes and the scent of ice were buried beneath her exhaustion. Two stumbling steps sent her sinking to her knees at the base of one of the towering trees. Deep gasping breaths drown out the sounds of the woods, the soft voice whispering Ruan and I like a taunt.
Hours pass as she lies beneath the tree. Tyrna watches the sun filter through branches of the redwoods, casting golden dapples along the ground. It's beautiful in it's own way, but all she can see is the way the sun danced across a shadow dark face and purple spotted hide. She watches the dust and wonders how much easier it would be to just disappear, to become just another golden mote dancing in the sunlight. The thoughts are tempting, but she shakes them off like heavy shackles, she is stronger than that. Stronger than the sadness that slowly consumed her mom. She rises to her feet, relishing in the ache in her limbs, and makes her way towards the nearby sound of water. Her thirst hits her first and she waits for the pangs of hunger, but they never come.
She drinks her fill and meanders back towards her hiding spot beneath the trees when she hears the splashing coming from the stream she just left. She does not turn to see who it could possibly be, really she doesn't care, and continues walking. She is confident that she could survive most encounters now that she had her health back, but the battle she faces is one that she had oped to put off awhile longer.
Tyrna
She hears her spoken so softly a breeze could have whisked it away. It stops her in her tracks. A longing to turn and see his face was so strong she felt like she wanted to fall to her knees again. Instead she stood tall, burying her feelings, and yet not quite ready to face him. His voice is so soft, heartbreakingly apologetic, though he only whispered her name. Taking a deep, shuddering breath, she turns to face him. She keeps her eyes focused on the floor, not knowing quite how to react and not wanting him to see the sadness that seemed to lurk in the shadows behind her eyes."Ruan." She breaths his name on a sigh before raising her eyes to meet his. Blue to blue, just as they had so many times before. Her eyes trace the contours of his face and wishes that she could be the one to press into his side and wipe away the worry and hurt that furrows his brow, but that was not her place. She was still an outsider. Other members of the Taiga had lived beneath the trees far longer than she had been awake, and he had a family long before they ever met. Tyrna was many things but she wasn't sure if she could add homewrecker to that list, assuming Ruan felt even a fraction of what she did. And honestly she wasn't even sure of what she did feel.
"I'm sorry. I just had to leave." She chuckles sadly and shakes her head, "I was never one for big family gatherings, nor being called like a pet." She keeps her gaze level and her voice barely quavers, but her eyes can't lie. Not to him. And right now her eyes hold nothing but sorrow.
He said her name so softly, he wasn't sure she would have heard it. Except that she froze so still, as if it dropped a heavy collar on her and held her in place. The line of her body was tensed, rigid and stoic.
She finally took a breath and turned to him, her eyes downcast. His brow creased in worry, but was swept away at the soft way she breathed his name. Ruan. Then her eyes finally lifted to meet his and he got a little lost in the blue, drawn momentarily into their depths as seemed to be the usual response. She studied his face, and he stared back openly, watching, waiting. For what, he wasn't sure.
She broke the spell when she shook her head with a soft chuckle, though it lacked any real enjoyment he would have recognized in her voice. He missed her true laughter. I'm sorry. I just had to leave. I was never one for big family gatherings, nor being called like a pet. He grimaced, an apology there in his eyes, but as usual he said nothing. As usual, he felt he didn't need to. Not with her.
Tentatively, he reached to tip her chin a little higher, brushing his dark velvet from the start of her jaw to her mouth where he pulled away. He looked over her face just as she had, studying her, hating the pain and sadness he could sense buried just under the surface, reflected in her eyes. If it helps at all, I will never call you that way, he said softly, adding another small step of distance between them. The air felt so tight, so taut with a nameless pressure.
I want to see you smiling and happy again. Tell me how to make this better for you, he pleaded gently, his brows creasing again in concern. What can I do to make you stay.
She feels like she's drowning in the Blue of his eyes. Glacial frost that steals her breath and turns it to ice in her lungs. She knows her words are harsh, and she doesn't mean them, not truly. She knows Reagan was just doing her best, trying to keep the loose band that roamed the Taiga together as a family, a pack. Tyrna just didn't know where she fit anymore. She was not the Alpha here, but neither would she roll over and submit. She was an outsider looking at the family she longed to be part of but with no place for her. The only thing, only person, that seemed to keep her grounded among the trees she loved was across from her, drowning her in his icy gaze.
She feels his soft touch along her jaw and freezes again. Standing so still, terrified that she will melt under his delicate touch. It sends a shock through her and solidifies whatever it is that lies between them. He says he would never call her like the pet she feels like, and she knows he is sincere. But he is the Alpha of the pack of shifters and she knows he would never need to call at all. She gravitated toward him naturally, purely on instinct, with or without his call she would always be keenly aware of his presence. Just like the rest of them it seemed. Tyrna knew in that instant, as she stood filling her lungs with his scent of pine and ice, that she would never leave. Could never leave. Somehow he had swpet in like a tide and filled her senses with dreams of the ocean. In a whisper soft as snow she answers.
"I know."
Short and sweet, it answers all the questions he leaves unasked and acknowledges whatever it is that keeps pulling them together. "I don't know why," she says with a sad smile in return to his gentle plea. "My smiles are easy and happiness comes and goes, but it seems like you've captured something far more rare than either of those."
She doesn't name the thing that lies heavy and splintered like a broken bird in her chest, she doesn't need to. It has been said with every sideways glance and butterfly touch that passes so rarely between them. Her eyes are clear, and this time the smile she gives him, though small and sad, is genuine. "Things will get better, they always do. I never meant for things to get so muddy and tangled. I never meant to intrude on your family like I have, but.." Her next words seem to drop from her lips like an apology.
"I can't seem to leave you, and I don't think I want to."
She froze at his touch, barely breathed. Held her breath? The wolf in him turned its full attention on her, intrigued by the stillness, the fear of prey. She wasn't afraid of him though, and that confused it -him. Afraid of something else, or perhaps only instinctively submissive to his touch. Perhaps only so tuned to him, so fully aware of the weight of his dominance. The beast decided yes, she has always felt the Alpha in him even when he'd tried to keep it from her, to stand evenly with her. She was not the type to fear --for others, yes, but not herself.
"I know," she whispered, and there was something in it that plucked at this taut bind between them, made him want to comfort her, a burden weighing so heavily on her spine. But his cold eyes only softened, just a little, and he remained where he was, listening as he always did, as he always would. Watching, listening. Ever patient.
"My smiles are easy and happiness comes and goes, but it seems like you've captured something far more rare than either of those."
He tilted his head curiously, pensive as he tried to dissect the words to find the meaning behind them. It was often difficult for him to understand things unless they were put more plainly. Intelligent, of course, as a cunning beast would be, but words could be so tricky, the hidden meanings people give them. He didn't do cryptic very well. He was wild, naturally blunt and honest. But he couldn't really find it, her meaning. Captured more than smiles and happiness... He didn't feel like he'd captured anything. She was free, would always be free.
So he gave it an inward shake of his head, dismissed it as more of the usual frustratingly veiled language people seemed to speak in, even with something sharp prickling the back of his mind and cutting into his chest. Some kind of intuitive warning he didn't understand, pulling a frown to his face again. He repeated it again, just in case; captured more than smiles. Damn, but he just didn't get it. Maybe with time, if it was important, it would reveal to him.
The smile she gave him then was so sad, almost regretful or apologetic, and he wanted to reassure her, point out that she had done nothing wrong. Ever. "I never meant to intrude on your family like I have, but.." He shook his head in silent disagreement but let her continue; she had not intruded on anything. It was he that brought her here, after all. He'd wanted her to come see the Taiga, he'd wanted to see if she could call it home. And she did.
"I can't seem to leave you, and I don't think I want to." He shook his head again, more adamant as he held her blue eyes so directly, so certain, and repeated his thoughts aloud for her. You haven't intruded, you live here. You belong here. Hadn't they both felt that she belonged here? You don't have to leave, not unless you choose to.
I want you to stay, he added sincerely, brows still tight in concern. He hated that she felt this way, that she doubted her home here, her place here. And he loved that she was here. He loved that, until now, it had seemed to make her happy to be here. He'd been so pleased to see that light of joy and satisfaction play across her face when she had chosen to stay.
You belong here, he repeated, steady and confident.
His eyes were all she could see. Blue bore into blue, confidence on his end and uncertainty on hers. Tyrna was not one to shy from danger, to back down from a challenge, or to walk away from conflict. This time felt so much different. She loved the peaceful quiet tucked beneath the redwoods, the security that the forest brought to all of it's inhabitants, but it had always been Ruan that had really kept her here, lurking in the outskirts. He sounds so confident, so certain in his conviction as he whispers "You belong here." that Tyrna nods her head slowly in agreement before trying to ease any doubts he might have. She could not leave for many reasons, but the blue eyes that met hers steadily were fairly high on the list.
"My loyalty is not so easily won, Ruan... Nor lost. I'm not going anywhere, I promise. I know thins have been rocky around the Taiga as of late, but it will get better, we can make it better." She smiles at him, small and sweet. "I know that there is so much changing right now," she pauses, uncertain with how to finish her thought, "but you can't let that make you colder. You can't give up on your family here. Knowing you, I doubt that leading the motley crew that we have here was very high on your priority list, but they love you and need you, and I will be beside you every step of the way." Her smile grows brighter as she speaks, hoping to convey the rush of emotion that floods her. Whatever feelings she has for Ruan can be put aside in the face of what is to come. Even if it still stings that he has another woman in his life to do all the things she wises she could. Now more than ever the Taiga must stand strong and stand together. Perhaps Reagan had been right to call the meeting though Tyrna was loathe to admit it.
"You didn't just save a stranger from the snow that night." She smiles mischievously at him, "You made a life long friend and ally. And I think you'll find that I don't scare so easily as to truly run away. Until the day you say you don't want me, I will never be far from your side." She stands tall and proud. She will not let him see the things he has done to her and neither will she leave him to the demons of his own making.
He was settled by her slow nod of agreement, drawn a silent step closer, and a knot in his chest slowly untangled and released. She spoke of loyalty not easily won, not easily lost or broken, and he was reminded how alike their spirits seemed to be. But she also mentioned the tensions in the Taiga, and he felt a pang of guilt at bringing her home to a place that perhaps was not stable for new eyes. She’d stayed though, and said she wasn’t leaving. That was comforting.
She mentioned all the changes happening, that he couldn’t let them make him colder, and he glanced away. It was eerie that she spoke of things nobody else should know about him. Like his distance, his coldness, his isolation. His state of unfeeling. The danger he could be if he let it consume him, if he gave in.
She brought his eyes back to her though, the genuine kindness in her voice tugging at him to focus on her alone. ”...and I will be beside you every step of the way.” He stared at her, into those brilliant, blue eyes, almost afraid to believe the strength of her words. She couldn’t know how much that would mean to him, to have that support. And he didn’t feel like he could tell her. Didn’t feel like it was right to, but perhaps in time he could say so. Then again, she seemed to be so in-tune with him, and maybe she already knew it or could sense it.
”You didn’t just save a stranger from the snow that night,” she continued with an impish sort of grin. He felt an amused smile turn his lips in response as he listened. ”You made a life long friend and ally.” A warmth budded and bloomed in his chest at those words, knowing she meant them and knowing how much they meant to him. He didn’t really have friends, never really had. He had his wife, his kids, but not friends. When he’d tried to make a friend.. Well, it hadn’t seemed to go over so well.
He’d always been hyper-aware of how near they were, careful not to reach out and touch her as he might do with any other of their home. But with her last words, until the day you say you don’t want me, I will never be far from your side, he found he couldn’t just stand there anymore. Slowly, cautiously, he stepped closer, reaching to lightly touch the curve of muscle in her neck, silently breathe in her scent. He felt an intuitive urge to do more, show more comfort and appreciation for this friendship and her words that buried so deeply into his soul… But it felt too strong, and he retreated from it, retreated from her one step, then two, three.
His gaze met hers again, held it steadily with his own. Thank you, Tyrna, he said quietly, unable to say more, unable to express how much it meant to him beyond that brief little touch of thanks. Hers was a friendship he could trust, he would cherish and respect. I should go, he admitted apologetically, but I’ll find you again soon. He gave her a weak, half-smile then turned away.
