"But the dream, the echo, slips from him as quickly as he had found it and as consciousness comes to him (a slap and not the gentle waves of oceanic tides), it dissolves entirely. His muscles relax as the cold claims him again, as the numbness sets in, and when his grey eyes open, there’s nothing but the faint after burn of a dream often trod and never remembered." --Brigade, written by Laura
Oh, she was right. It hurt. Seeing the home that could have been hers all along, in another life. If she’d been someone else. Knowing the whole while that she wouldn’t change what she’d done, wouldn’t take back what she’d said to Beqanna when Taiga’s founders had gone up the mountain in supplication. Even if she could go back to that day, she’d defend Romek all over again, and somehow knowing at least that much hadn’t changed hurt more.
This life was never meant to be hers.
Still, she ached with a quiet yearning that felt like a vise around her chest. Seeing the family that was almost hers, the way they fit together, the way they knew each other...no one knew her like that. God, she’d been alone so long it was hard to remember there was any other way. Hard to bear the tentative invitation in Romek’s eyes when she didn’t know how to be anything to anyone after so long.
She had a few friends, faces she knew, people she saw now and again who felt like the closest thing to home she’d ever known. But even they were only with her once in a great while, occasional interaction in a sea of solitude. And it was hard to adjust. So after Romek showed her around some, she excused herself with a little smile, saying she wanted a little time to explore.
Not saying she needed a little time to catch her breath.
She slipped into the darkness of the forest, at once familiar and so very new. The trees were so much larger than she was used to, towering over her and making her feel small and lost in a way she hadn’t since she was a little girl, thrown out by an angry god and cast into the shadows, cursed to wander, cursed to burn.
Her breath came in frantic little gasps, too fast, too deep, and she leaned against one of the giant trunks to try to calm herself. Pressing her face into the rough bark, letting the tree’s cool, solid solemnity steady the racing of her heart. Her lower lip trembled, but she inhaled slowly, fighting a rising tide of emotions she had not been prepared to deal with. And she let her breath out just as slowly, letting the strength of the giant redwood ground her.
You can do this, she told herself, relaxing as she closed her gold eyes and imagined someone she loved brushing their soft muzzle along the line of her shoulder, reassuring and soothing, a touch she hadn’t felt since she was very small. But one she remembered well. She’d lost track of how many times she’d stood just like this, leaning against a tree and pretending to herself, where no one else could see it. Where no one else could hear it.
Where no one could curl their lip in scorn and point out that no one would ever love her like that.
Lilitha wasn’t meant for family or friendship that lasted more than a moment at a time. A glimpse every few years, sure, just to keep her wanting. Just to keep her hoping, keep her yearning for what would never be. But that kind of familiarity, that kind of day to day closeness? No, she knew better than to believe it could ever happen. Not to her. The world had made that clear enough.
So she gave herself what no one else ever would, even if it was just pretend. Closed her eyes and imagined those quiet touches, soft and steady, petting her until her breathing returned to normal, until her heartbeat came down, until she could bear to open her eyes and remember it was all a pretty lie she told herself.
Just a little longer. It would only take a little longer. Then she could go back and try again.
04-15-2017, 01:09 AM (This post was last modified: 04-15-2017, 01:11 AM by Ruan.)
It was hard. He knew it was unhealthy, but he didn't have a choice. He had to bottle everything inside, couldn't let it out. Couldn't mourn as he needed to mourn. Didn't have a friend to lean on. Because his whole life had revolved around his wife and family. She was gone, and he could never put his burdens on his children. They were his alone to carry.
He'd tried to make friends once or twice.
God, what a bust that had been.
So perhaps he was a lone wolf of sorts. Although, truthfully, if he could still shift, he'd might be able to work off this pain and grief with a good thousand hunts or so. That, too, was gone. It wasn't what made him who he was, though. It wouldn't break him as losing her seemed to be doing to him. He never would have thought, out of everyone in his entire life, that she would be one to-
Well, it didn't matter. What's done is done. He only had to learn to release this, to be free to mourn and grieve as he should. Meanwhile, he would continue to stay strong for them, for their home. That, too, was who he was. This forest was his life, these people were his family. He would not fail them. No matter what.
A new scent turned his attention away from himself, Romek's laced and lingering faintly within it. Curious, he glanced over and almost immediately his bright, blue eyes settled on her. God, she looked to be in as much inner turmoil as he was, braced against the solid base of one of their stout trees, letting it hold her up as if no one else would. Or as if she wouldn't allow anyone else to. That, certainly, was familiar to him.
For a moment, he only watched her, locked silently in place. Should he allow her the solitude she seemed to want? He wouldn't bother to ask if she was alright. Clearly, she wasn't. Neither was he. It didn't mean he should disrupt her.. rest. But he was the caretaker here, and she was in his home, knew his former king, and so her pain instantly came before his own. As anyone else's would.
His eyes shined from the black of his face as he finally walked quietly to her, let his satin black nose drift close to her cheek, her neck. Close enough to feel the heat radiating from her, but held away from touching her coal-black skin. She melted the icy chill from his coat without knowing it, the air around him a slightly lower temperature like an aura of winter.
He pulled back enough to meet her eyes, give her space if she felt crowded by him. "Do you need Romek?" he asked so quietly, his warm, bourbon voice a brief puff of steam from dark lips before disappearing into his Winter.
She’d gotten good at pretending. Almost four years of practice had it so she almost believed someone was there, could almost feel the weight of a body’s presence just a breath away, so close she could feel the cool air radiating off their skin, their breath caressing her cheek, her neck. She could even hear the soft sound of that breath going in, coming out to brush against her skin. In her mind, she could lean in just a little like so and let that phantom presence touch her, a reassuring press of velvet soft nose to her neck--
Lilitha jumped, sparks raining from her skin as her eyes flashed open and she jerked back, startled by the solid weight of that accidental touch. “Oh god I’m so sorry, I didn’t--” She stomped out a few stray sparks that had landed on the ground and kindled into tiny little flames, leaned in to blow out one that seemed determined to catch on his coat despite the cold emanating from his...body...was he supposed to be cold? Was she running hotter than usual? Maybe her emotions were a little farther out of control than she’d realized.
“I didn’t see you there, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” she apologized again, blowing a little harder to make sure the spark faded away instead of hurting...whoever he was. He offered to fetch Romek, and she paled, meeting his eyes for the first time. “I...no. No, that’s really not necessary, please don’t. I just needed a little space, just a few minutes. It’s...complicated, everything’s...but thank you, no, I’ll be okay, please don’t trouble him. I appreciate the--but no, I really, I’m fine. I didn’t expect it to be quite so hard is all. Or I did, I suppose, or at least I would’ve if I’d known he was still here, but she said he’d gone, you see, and I didn’t realize I’d run into him and I wasn’t quite prepared. I only meant to see if I could cross the border, just one more try to see if--and then he was there, and god it was good to see him but it’s so much, all at once, and I just--”
Her gold eyes went wide, and she cut herself off, closing her mouth against the stream of words that seemed intent on pouring out without so much as a by your leave, bypassing her mind entirely and spilling out onto the ground at this poor stranger’s feet. “I...sorry. Thank you. No. I’ll go back soon, I just...got a little overwhelmed, I suppose. I’m not used to...and seeing his family, even from a distance, knowing they were almost mine, knowing they never will be, it’s...it just hurts a bit more than I was ready for. Still not being able to set foot here, that I was braced for, but...but I can. Clearly. I mean here I am. And I’ve no idea what that means for me. If I...I can finally come home, but it’s been so long I don’t think I can--just because this was supposed to be home once, a very long time ago, doesn’t mean it is now. Doesn’t mean I can fit, after everything that’s--god, I’m sorry, thank you for asking, you’re very kind. I’m Lilitha, by the way, I should’ve said. Earlier. Because obviously now I did say. I swear I don’t normally talk this much. Or almost at all. Honestly, is there something in the air here? The water? No, couldn’t be the water, I didn’t drink anything, maybe it’s these trees and they just emit some sort of truth pheromone that shuts off a brain’s ability to stop talking. That sounds awfully inconvenient though, how would you ever sleep? God. Sorry. Nervous.”
Blushing, she had to be blushing. She ducked her head, hiding her eyes behind a thick fall of red. Breathe. A long, slow breath in until her lungs ached with it, then back out, nice and easy. Breathe. Let the poor man be. Too bad that fire power didn’t include some ability to play with earth too. So she could open a hole in the ground beneath her and just crawl in and hide, let the ground swallow her up for a little while. She hadn’t thrown sparks in years, and now this? Stupid mouth, stay closed. Poor stranger. Poor, sweet stranger, stuck listening to her apparently endless rambling. Good heavens, she’d never spoken so many words all at once in her whole life. “It’s...it’s nice to meet you,” she whispered, peeking through her hair to meet the kind stranger’s eyes at last. Finally. One normal, sane sentence. Good job, Lilitha.
He was close, so very close. With eyes still shut, she leaned into it, swayed enough that his nose met the heat of her neck and dimly startled him. For a moment, a brief moment, his eyes almost shut. His feet almost took him forward to offer more comfort. A cheek, a shoulder, or just his quiet presence. But it was over instantly.
She rebounded off the reality of him, gold eyes flying open to meet the glittering ice in his and sparks spraying from around her. He watched her curiously, silently, as she stomped a few insect-sized forest fires out of existence and apologized profusely. She must have some connection to fire, maybe. Like Jinju. Solid and black like Jinju, too, but with hair of a cascading red. Not that it was much telling that two people should have a similar look and share similar gifts. There was no knowing how many fire-mages there were in this world of magic.
He tensed but didn't move as she leaned in, watching as she tried to blow a determined little spark from his coat. Her scent was stronger this close, still had Romek's entwined within it, but she paled at his offer to fetch the Tiger king for her. His brows pinched softly, concerned and puzzled, but he didn't pry. Not that he could've, really, as she was still talking and he was trying to keep up with what she was saying. A "she," and also a "he" that was supposed to be gone, but wasn't after all. Some kind of difficulty crossing the Taiga's border.
He frowned at that. He'd never heard of anyone having that problem before. But suddenly those gilded eyes were flying wide again and meeting his, cutting off her flow of speech. He felt an amused smile slowly grow despite himself, and again she was apologizing, giving it another try at regrouping herself. His head shook in slow wonder, puzzled but intrigued by this stranger that was so... open? Either incredibly chatty or as bottled up as he probably was, but most definitely a curiosity.
The enjoyment slowly trickled away though as she continued, his brows pulling together again as he listened. She'd almost had a family -Romek?, had almost called the Taiga her home, but so much time had passed and she was no longer sure it could be home for her. Hadn't been able to set foot across the border, so probably a curse of some kind? Didn't sound like an issue others would run into, at the least. Then her name, Lilitha. It wasn't familiar, and he wondered if it should have been. Perhaps he should have some recollection of her in some way. He was certain they'd never met before, though, and certain that he'd never heard the name before.
She finally, slowly, came to the end of her breath, and again amusement lit his eyes with a soft smile. Nervous? Yeah, he could see that, as she blushed and ducked her head, his smile spreading a little wider.
"It's...it's nice to meet you," she whispered, gold peeking through strands of red. He chuckled softly and reached for her, tipped her chin up just a little and straightened to blow the hair from her face with a chilly gust. It came from his mouth and yet had the strength of a mild snow storm, as crisp as a minty winter. Ah, there was her face again. Much better.
"It's nice to meet you too, Lilitha. I'm Ruan."
He held steady as he reflected on what she'd said, what she didn't say, and what things he couldn't imagine that she'd been through. Probably best not to bring them up for now. She'd no doubt reached her limit for sharing with a stranger.
"Maybe it's not home, but you'll at least stay a while, I hope? If you enjoy it."
