God, I thought I knew heartache. You’d think with as much as I’ve lost in my life, that it would get easier. Saying goodbye, letting go. This is different, though. This time, I watch the light fade from his eyes. I don’t walk away knowing he’ll be living on without me. We don’t get torn apart, leaving me with a quiet hope holding tight to my chest that we’ll find our way back to one another someday no matter how much time passes. This time, I’m left holding my Rhory’s body and rocking, crying silent tears into his mane long after Rora walks away to give me the space she knows I need to really say goodbye.
I should be there for her. Should have the strength to get up and console her, when she just lost her father. I’m supposed to be the strong one, the one taking care of her. But when she brushes her lips against my forehead and walks away to grieve alone, I let her go. There’s still so much to say, even if he isn’t here to listen.
Maybe because he isn’t here to listen.
“I love you, Rhory,” I whisper softly, kissing his forehead and brushing a stray scraggle of forelock out of his empty eyes. “My whole life long, I’ve loved you. Not nearly enough, I know, but I loved you with my whole heart right from the start. Right from that first moment, seeing you stand up for your friend even though you were scared, I loved you right then. My brave, sweet Lionheart.”
Another tear rolls down my cheeks, joining the sea of saltwater I’ve spilled out on the ground in the hours since my Rhory died. “I know it wasn’t what you wanted from me, but those memories, the days where you were my best friend, my family when the people who were supposed to be family failed me? Those were some of the very best days of my life. You made me who I am, Rhory. You and Gendry both. I’m sorry I hurt you. Sorry I couldn’t be more for you then. But I think I would have hurt you more if I’d tried. And we got to be together in the end, even if it was only for a little while.”
Just a few short years. I gave him just a few short years of happiness, after a decades-long life alone. And I’m so damn glad of it. I wouldn’t change a moment of it, not even the pain that brought us slowly together. “I wish we’d had longer, you and me. I wish you’d gotten to see Rora finish growing up, maybe even gotten to meet your grandbabies someday if that day ever comes. Who knows where life will take our baby girl? But with as much love as she’s been surrounded with, as much love as there is in that big heart of hers, I’d be surprised if it didn’t.
“She’s gonna miss having you around to talk to, to ask questions. I know how much you would’ve hated pretty much any boy she ever brought home, but she would’ve loved you to be there. To help guide her. To answer questions about love and heartache. She’ll be okay though, our Rora. She got your big, brave heart.” My Lionheart lives on in her, even though we have to say goodbye. And god, but I’m glad for that at least.
I rest my cheek against his wasted neck, so thin, so weak he could barely hold his head up last night. But he tried. For me and Rora, he tried. “I gave you everything I had in me to give, love, and I hope it was enough. It never felt like…” My brow furrows, my lower lip trembles, and I can’t quite seem to find the words to say what’s been on my mind. “It never felt like I loved you enough. Not...not that you...God, I don’t know, baby, I just always felt like you loved me more, like you loved me bigger and fiercer and more completely and I couldn’t give you as much as you gave me.
“But I did the best I could, loved you with everything I had. And I made you happy, I know I did. Me and Rora both, I could tell any time you looked at us. I’m glad you got a happy ending. I’m glad I got to be your happy ending. I hope...I hope you’re not disappointed that you didn’t get to be mine. But you knew that, didn’t you? Knew that I’d live on long after you were gone. Or probably, at least. There’s always a chance the world will prove me wrong about that, huh, baby? But I don’t think so.”
I can’t leave Rora all alone like that. Not that the world couldn’t be that cruel, but I damn well won’t let it. Not to my little girl. Not when she’s already hurting so much. Not when I’m the only blood she’s got left, with no sign of her sisters since Beqanna changed so drastically.
“I’m gonna miss you, baby. The world’s dimmer without you in it, love. A darker, harsher, crueler place without your heart lighting up the night. I want you to know I'm gonna be okay. It hurts, more than I can say, but you don’t have to worry about me. And I’ll take good care of Rora. You rest, okay, honey? I’ll see you again someday. You just rest now.”
And once again, for the very last time, I hug him close. My tears fall endlessly onto his too-still, too-cold neck, and I say the words I’ve known for a long time were coming, words I still hoped I’d never have to say again.. “Goodbye, Rhory Lionheart. I love you forever.”
I should be there for her. Should have the strength to get up and console her, when she just lost her father. I’m supposed to be the strong one, the one taking care of her. But when she brushes her lips against my forehead and walks away to grieve alone, I let her go. There’s still so much to say, even if he isn’t here to listen.
Maybe because he isn’t here to listen.
“I love you, Rhory,” I whisper softly, kissing his forehead and brushing a stray scraggle of forelock out of his empty eyes. “My whole life long, I’ve loved you. Not nearly enough, I know, but I loved you with my whole heart right from the start. Right from that first moment, seeing you stand up for your friend even though you were scared, I loved you right then. My brave, sweet Lionheart.”
Another tear rolls down my cheeks, joining the sea of saltwater I’ve spilled out on the ground in the hours since my Rhory died. “I know it wasn’t what you wanted from me, but those memories, the days where you were my best friend, my family when the people who were supposed to be family failed me? Those were some of the very best days of my life. You made me who I am, Rhory. You and Gendry both. I’m sorry I hurt you. Sorry I couldn’t be more for you then. But I think I would have hurt you more if I’d tried. And we got to be together in the end, even if it was only for a little while.”
Just a few short years. I gave him just a few short years of happiness, after a decades-long life alone. And I’m so damn glad of it. I wouldn’t change a moment of it, not even the pain that brought us slowly together. “I wish we’d had longer, you and me. I wish you’d gotten to see Rora finish growing up, maybe even gotten to meet your grandbabies someday if that day ever comes. Who knows where life will take our baby girl? But with as much love as she’s been surrounded with, as much love as there is in that big heart of hers, I’d be surprised if it didn’t.
“She’s gonna miss having you around to talk to, to ask questions. I know how much you would’ve hated pretty much any boy she ever brought home, but she would’ve loved you to be there. To help guide her. To answer questions about love and heartache. She’ll be okay though, our Rora. She got your big, brave heart.” My Lionheart lives on in her, even though we have to say goodbye. And god, but I’m glad for that at least.
I rest my cheek against his wasted neck, so thin, so weak he could barely hold his head up last night. But he tried. For me and Rora, he tried. “I gave you everything I had in me to give, love, and I hope it was enough. It never felt like…” My brow furrows, my lower lip trembles, and I can’t quite seem to find the words to say what’s been on my mind. “It never felt like I loved you enough. Not...not that you...God, I don’t know, baby, I just always felt like you loved me more, like you loved me bigger and fiercer and more completely and I couldn’t give you as much as you gave me.
“But I did the best I could, loved you with everything I had. And I made you happy, I know I did. Me and Rora both, I could tell any time you looked at us. I’m glad you got a happy ending. I’m glad I got to be your happy ending. I hope...I hope you’re not disappointed that you didn’t get to be mine. But you knew that, didn’t you? Knew that I’d live on long after you were gone. Or probably, at least. There’s always a chance the world will prove me wrong about that, huh, baby? But I don’t think so.”
I can’t leave Rora all alone like that. Not that the world couldn’t be that cruel, but I damn well won’t let it. Not to my little girl. Not when she’s already hurting so much. Not when I’m the only blood she’s got left, with no sign of her sisters since Beqanna changed so drastically.
“I’m gonna miss you, baby. The world’s dimmer without you in it, love. A darker, harsher, crueler place without your heart lighting up the night. I want you to know I'm gonna be okay. It hurts, more than I can say, but you don’t have to worry about me. And I’ll take good care of Rora. You rest, okay, honey? I’ll see you again someday. You just rest now.”
And once again, for the very last time, I hug him close. My tears fall endlessly onto his too-still, too-cold neck, and I say the words I’ve known for a long time were coming, words I still hoped I’d never have to say again.. “Goodbye, Rhory Lionheart. I love you forever.”