"But the dream, the echo, slips from him as quickly as he had found it and as consciousness comes to him (a slap and not the gentle waves of oceanic tides), it dissolves entirely. His muscles relax as the cold claims him again, as the numbness sets in, and when his grey eyes open, there’s nothing but the faint after burn of a dream often trod and never remembered." --Brigade, written by Laura
The jungle is quiet. That in itself is strange. It reminds her of when she first ventured into the vine, when she first decided to become an Amazon. The sisterhood had been stagnant, listless. The few sisters there were willing and devoted but had no purpose. Then there had been the uprising and she took the reins of the kingdom. She gave them a purpose, she breathed new life into them. Returning hits her with so much deja vu, it feels quite the same as those first early days again. This time the sisterhood seems more closed off, more hidden from each other. She has barely talked to any of them since she has returned, keeping mostly to herself and exploring the jungle as she relives her past over and over again. How can you create unity in a kingdom when you barely know it’s subjects?
It has been in the back of her mind since she has come back, wondering what has happened to the man who created so much chaos in her life. Lion. Every step she takes, every time she closes her eyes… She sees him. He haunts every move she makes, every breath she takes. Today her golden eyes stare blankly out towards the rest of Beqanna as she stands on the invisible line that separates the jungle from the rest of them. The sun is warm on her back and she feels exposed out in the open without the tangled foliage to caress her sides. However there is resignation written on the lines of her face. Silently she takes leave of her home and sets out for the one place she is sure she can find the answer to her ever probing question. It’s time to visit the Dale.
The jaguar mare takes her time in her journey, reuniting with places she has long forgotten about. In time, she makes her way to the land of rolling green abundance. Summer makes the land hot but it is a stark difference from the humidity she is use to. Stepping into the land, not giving a crap about borders or boundaries, her golden eyes seek out anyone that might spark some recognition. Her body is tense, ears swiveling constantly on high alert. Always looking for the one she knows might still be here. Wondering if she’s made a mistake coming here. If she’s really ready for the truth, to face what she had been running from for so long.
It takes little effort to raise and move each leg because the marrow has been sucked from her bones. Her breathing is easy because there isn’t another life pressed up against her ribcage, swelling her sides. Not anymore. That life exists outside of and without her now. She’d left him - a chocolate brown tangle of legs and floppy ears - in the Gates with another woman as a surrogate. It wasn’t right, wasn’t natural (not when she was still alive and able – just unwilling) but she’d done it anyway.
Her heart drains and she chills just to think of it.
But there are other things to think of, too. She has responsibilities to return to while she waits for her next rendezvous with Emmerly and Eldrian. Perhaps they should have been the least of her concern when she left her son behind. Perhaps, if she was a better mother (the thought is a bitter pill on an empty stomach) she wouldn’t have cared what the others thought – Tiphon most of all. The Dale and subsequently, its people, have always been her priority, though. She couldn’t let one lapse in judgement jeopardize every other aspect of her life. Even if it meant that her son would grow up without her for a while.
She can’t fully push these thoughts from the forefront of her mind (not yet, while she can still see the shape of his smile imprinted on the back of her eyelids) but she tries. An unfamiliar smell mixed with the cloying scent of Jungle earth on the breeze helps to distract her. The metal mare moves towards it, her instinct for border patrol always on alert. In her youth, it had become a joyful task with rather unfortunate origins. After her mother had been taken by wolves, she’d searched high and low for signs of her father, hoping he’d crossed back into the Dale. She’d asked Lion so many times if she had simply missed him on one of her many expeditions, but she’d been disappointed every time. Talulah wonders if it is an emotion Eldrian will come to know all too well. She hates herself for the thought.
The stranger has moved passed the border, her scent a breadcrumb trail that is easy
enough to follow. Her poor mood sours further with having to do so, however. She’s always believed that kingdoms have borders for a reason – had instilled it in Ramiel as well – and this new trend of ignoring them sits poorly with her. So when she finally finds the bay mare, she is somewhat glad that the stranger seems uncertain. The Jungle-woman’s ears are in constant motion as if she fears an attack from everywhere all at once. Good, Talulah thinks grumpily, maybe next time you’ll wait like you’re supposed to. She is outwardly neutral, her mouth a straight line that doesn’t lift into its customary smile. The Amazons are strongly allied with the Dale, she reminds herself, can’t be too hard on her. “Are our borders now open to each other with this new alliance? I hadn’t been informed if so.” She sighs, trying to shake herself of her sour mood. “I’m Talulah,” she says, her voice softer and the corners of her lips curving just slightly.
If she knew the mares distress, she could relate quite easily to it. She had left Cersei here to be cared for by her father, not being able to stand either of them after everything that had happened. She was quite capable physically of taking care of their second daughter but looking at the foal made her sick to her stomach. This walking talking reminder of what Lion had put her through. The mockery he had made of her. She couldn’t stand her own daughter. So she had just left her here. Let Lion clean up the mess he made. But that had been years ago.
The voice reaches her first and she turns to meet the unreadable mare, golden eyes narrowing in their customary fashion. ”I wouldn’t know.” She replies quietly and it’s very true for she doesn’t know anything on politics nowadays. Hadn’t seemed to find a need to update herself on the current affairs, it wasn’t as if she had been ready to throw herself completely back into kingdom affairs. She simply lived in the jungle, unable to serve it like she had before with this big monkey on her back.
Getting the feeling that she has ruffled this mare’s feathers with her appearance, she offers a faint smile. The only smile she’s ever capable of giving. ”I should have waited at the border. Old habits die hard.” A slight shrug, the jaguar mare had been so use to going where she pleased as a Khaleesi that it’s hard to remember how to behave when people didn’t know who you were anymore. ”I’m Tantalize.” A slight toss of her head, removing her smokey forelock from her vision. The reason for her visit here suddenly heavy on her shoulders, making her uncomfortable once more. Talulah seems confident here and she wonders just how long this mare has called the Dale home. ”I was looking for someone..” Hesitation. ”Use to live here a long time ago.”
The mare smiles almost immediately when Talulah points out her mistake of not waiting. She apologizes – sort of – and it’s enough to nearly negate the lady’s frustration. Nearly, but not quite. She doesn’t know what kind of ‘old habits’ would make it permissive to waltz into any kingdom, but she doesn’t ask. Clearly, the dappled woman has some dire business to attend to, and far be it for Talulah to stop her.
She should remember Tantalize and the events that led up to Lion’s unfortunate encounter with her, but she doesn’t. Perhaps it’s out of loyalty to her once-king and father figure. Perhaps she’s unable to see him in a bad light. Either way, she’d been a young girl when the incident happened. She only remembers that the palomino stallion had been forced to remain in the Jungle for a time, punishment for a crime she hadn’t understood in her naivety. It had been difficult for her, especially, because Lion was her sole source of guidance. Without him, she had been forced to grow up all too quickly. Talulah isn’t one to dwell on the negatives, however. She had done okay for herself - better than okay, really. All until she’d left her son behind, that is.
She nods when the mare gives her name. Somewhere, in some fold of her brain, it registers as familiar, but she still cannot place it. The way she’d walked into the Dale without pause makes Talulah certain she’s been here before, so she doesn’t give her customary welcome. Tantalize confirms her suspicions when she says that she’s seeking someone out. Having lived here longer than a mortal life would allow, the metal-mare likely knows (or has at least heard of) the equine in question. Apart from several years spent frozen as a statue, Talulah’s watched decades pass by in the hilly kingdom without leaving its borders. She wonders who the mare can possibly be in search of: a past lover, a child, a friend? Her curiosity is further piqued when Tantalize visibly changes, her confidence replaced by obvious discomfort.
The grey mare softens further, adopting a quiet but firm tone. “Who is it, Tantalize?” She can tell that this is more than just a visit from an old friend for the jaguar-spotted mare. She can see that there is reluctance to learn some truth, hesitation to find the answer she sought. It’s terribly interesting, but none of it shows on Talulah’s face. Only the right amount of concern and sympathy appears in her eyes. “I’ve called this place home for a very long time. I’ll help you find them.” She smiles, genuine but also so very curious.
Talulah offers her help and her heart begins to fling itself about her chest like a broken dove. She hates the being she has become, this weak and soft lost girl. So unlike the fire and brimstone mare she had once been. There is still hesitation that catches on her lips, leaving her tongue dry and unwilling to voice the name she had come for. Did she really want to know? What if he was here and Talulah tracked him down for her? Or…. What if he wasn’t? She’s not sure which will be worse. However torn apart she has become, deep down there’s still a spark of steel left at her core. So she braces herself, a deep exhale, meeting the other’s gaze and gathering as much courage about herself as she can. ”I’m looking for Lion.” The words don’t come out exactly as she hopes they will, soft and distrustful. Yet they come. It’s in the open and there’s no turning back. Either she will be able to confront her past or it will be lost to her forever.
Emotions war on the jaguar mare’s face when Talulah ask who she seeks. She can see the play of hesitation followed by determination before sliding once again into discomfort. It’s a vicious cycle that the metal mare can’t possibly understand, but she can be understanding at least. She knows what it’s like to battle one’s emotions. She knows how the heart can be pulled in two completely different directions. She’s loved (loved? the admission catches her off guard briefly) two men at the same time but in unequal fashion. Love can come in many forms, now she knows, but her heart wasn’t as quick to catch on.
Somehow, she sense that it isn’t love or the loss of it Tantalize is searching for. There’s a dark undertone in the way she carries herself, a resignation to learning the answer she seeks. It’s as if she’s waited years for this bad news and carried the added days up on her back. There’s a shame, too. What can the source possibly be? She takes a deep breath, and Talulah feels the name will come out on the exhale.
She isn’t wrong, but the moniker that stammers out surprises her.
Lion.
“Lion?” she repeats, stalling for time and trying to hide her own loss on her face. The man had been an anchor for her, a constant in a world that had taken everything from a girl whose life had just begun. He was always there, her golden sun that she had placed on high, a constant on her horizon. She had mourned his death like all the other deaths she has come to experience: by never forgetting any part of him. The sunset of his life had been just as difficult to witness as the rest (her mother and father) but she had been there beside him through it. Talulah thought she knew everything about the once-king. She knew the bad parts: the stubbornness, the occasional disappearances – but she certainly didn’t know them all.
“I’m so sorry, but he died. A long time ago, now.”Decades, she thinks, but is too preoccupied to really figure out the number of years. Her amber eyes watch Tantalize carefully, concern radiating in her gaze. If they were friends or lovers, this will be hard news, certainly – but something makes Talulah suspect it is not the case. She remembers the hesitance in the Amazon’s voice, the careful way she’d constructed her words. She wants to find him, but perhaps it wouldn’t have been a happy reunion if she did. The steel woman leaves out all the words she wants to spill of the golden pegasus, all the praise she would have otherwise heaped upon the man who had once watched over her. Something tells her to use caution, so she asks instead: “how did you know him, if you don’t mind my asking?”
09-08-2015, 12:46 PM (This post was last modified: 09-08-2015, 12:49 PM by Tantalize.)
tantalize
infinity overhead
and i whisper, are you listening?
The moment that Talulah recognizes the name, Liz has her answer. She can see it, the sense of loss in the other. For a moment she can’t breathe, doesn’t even realize what she’s holding inside until she hears it confirmed. He died. He’s dead. He’s gone. All the thoughts that were racing in her head have suddenly gone quiet. Her entire soul has stilled. Surely she should feel happy. He’s gone. The person who had raped her, who had lied to her and said he loved her, the person who had betrayed her… Made her less of a Queen and therefore drove her to a path of failure… He was gone. ”Oh.” The word comes out almost breathless. It’s all that she can say, too stunned to really say anything more.
Why isn’t she pleased? Is it because there is no longer any chance of resolve or closure? That’s part of it. But also, although she would never admit it to anyone just how much, she had really loved Lion. He had been the first to open up her broken heart after the betrayal of Slaide and Coralee. She had loved him passionately and openly and she knows… She knows deep down that the love was real. From both of them. But there had always been another, as was always her downfall in relationships, always someone better that came along. She had been Khaleesi of the Amazons, she had given him everything. What more could he want from a partner? Why had she not been enough? It had all fallen apart when she had refused him in the light of finding out about his other love. It still seems unreal now, a bad dream that replays itself constantly in the dead of night. She still can’t believe that Lion had raped her and that she, a fucking Khaleesi of the Amazons, had not been able to stop him. But it had happened, Cersei had happened. She had started a war because of it, they had kept Lion captive in the jungle. Sometimes she thinks it never really happened, that she made it all up. Unfortunately it had all been very much real. There was no going back for either of them at that point. It had all been ruined.
The few stitches that remained that kept her tattered heart together are suddenly pulled free, in pieces all over again. Her golden gaze can’t meet that of Talulah who asks how they knew one another. Her tongue is thick. What could she even possibly say? If the Dale’s Lady looks into her eyes, she will know everything. She’s worked so hard to keep the memories in place, buried as much as they can in her subconscious. Now they threaten to rebel and expel all over the place and she doesn’t want that, doesn’t want to be hounded by her pain and mistakes and failure all over again. Slowly she looks at her and finally admits, as everything surges forward, threatening to come out…”We were in love. Once. It ended badly.” Her breath seems to still be stuck in her chest, a wavering in her conviction to not spill out the whole story. But she will hold on to that shame as long as possible. It’s all she has left of him now.
She doesn’t anticipate tears from this woman who had so boldly walked into a foreign kingdom without a second thought. She doesn’t expect that she will have to bear the weight of a grieving widow. In learning of Lion’s death, Tantalize seems built stronger (emotionally if not physically) than Talulah. If she had heard Tiphon had died (or Ramiel, or Eldrian, or Tiberios, or any of her friends) she truly doesn’t know how’d she’d react. Selfishly, she’s glad she doesn’t have to find out today; she’s glad she is on the giving and not receiving end of such news.
Oh. The syllable exhaled by the other mare is so quiet, she thinks she’s imagined it at first. Oh means it’s not the answer she’s expected. Oh is a searing disappointment as understanding travels from ears to brain, then brain to heart. It’s a shared loss, at least, though it will probably be little comfort to Tantalize. She doesn’t know how Lion had ruled the Dale. She doesn’t know that he’d ruled young orphan Talulah’s life in much the same way: as the wise, patient, golden teacher. Sure, he’d had his faults. He’d come to them as a raiding rebel, after all, back when a mercenary group had overtaken the silent land. But he had stayed because he grew to love it and its people. He’d been too quiet at times - wrapped up in whatever else held pieces of his heart – but he’d always come back to the welcoming arms of his people.
Talulah’s own breath catches in her throat when she remembers it all. Sometimes it’s too easy to overlook the past and take it for granted. Often, one forgets to remember the dead and their exceeding impact on the still-living. Inadvertently inducing grief in the jungle mare makes her relive her own. She finds it cathartic, dredging up memories of the old pegasus. She realizes, though, that’s it’s still a fresh wound she herself has opened for Tantalize, a wound she still cannot place the source of. Because even as she says it, the brown mare looks down, averting her gaze from where it had been held with Talulah’s. She looks past the hooded eyes, sees shame where she ought to have seen only raw grief. What had Lion held over this foreign mare?
She soon confirms the Daleans’ suspicions. Lovers. Of course. Only love could make sense of her reaction. That Lion had a secret life apart from the Dale doesn’t surprise the metal mare. Surely he’d had his own tragedies and triumphs that he kept away from the public eye. Tantalize says it hadn’t ended well, and she wonders if the shame stems from this fact. Perhaps the jaguar girl had broken it off herself and regretted it after. She can’t imagine how wrong she is in this assumption. “I’m sorry,” she repeats again, because she is. And then because she wants to lift the other’s spirits some, in whatever small amount she can, she adds, “I can assure you he was much loved by the Dale and its people.”
