[private] you could be the light in my dark night; neverwhere

[lilliana]

She doesn’t mean for the tension to reach her eyes, for it to freeze the line that is already forming on her dark muzzle. Lilli can see Neverwhere tilt her head and the chestnut mare gives involuntary shiver, trying to free herself of the demons. It ripples down her back though the crimson girl thinks she can still feel them, their ghosts still able to conjure fear in those wild eyes. Lilli swallows and looks away from the dappled mare, letting her gaze drift away to nowhere in particular. ”Monsters are everywhere,” the young mare says, suddenly feeling too melancholy.

It is a heavy topic and one too burdensome for Lilli to think about today.

She takes a small piece of information from Nevewhere and regains control of herself. She focuses on that and Lilli banishes everything else away. The monsters can stay where they deserve, in the recesses of her mind where someday hopefully the memory will fade. Her attention turns back to the silver mare and Lilli looks back to her, hoping to learn a little bit more about Neverwhere and the place she has come from. ”No magic?” she asks, the idea an unfamiliar one. ”So you didn’t have any healers or prophets?” Lilli finds herself genuinely intrigued now, wondering about Never’s birth lands.

The young mare continues a steady pace, making sure that she doesn’t get too far from her new traveling companion with the occasional glance back to Neverwhere. Each time she does though, she sees the mare moving comfortably. The chestnut shakes her head, mainly at herself, and thinks that Neverwhere was a rather remarkable and resourceful mare. ”We had magic,” Lilli offers in return. ”My father came from a long line of airbenders and it was said he could summon a hurricane in a moment.” Lilli laughs softly then, remembering golden Valerio with no recollection of ever seeing him call a storm or gale. ”He used to shake flowers from my favorite cherry tree. The blossoms would fall and he would make them dance for my sister and I,” she remembers, one of the few memories she has of the Guardian.

”There’s a low hanging branch ahead.. it’s probably best to move to the other side of trail,” and so so the chestnut repeats the process of being meticulous with her steps, making sure that Neverwhere can hear and sense her as she moves from one side of the path to the other. The young mare gives a vigilant stare through the trees, still suspicious that something could be lurking as the shadows grew longer. One ear remains forward and continues to swivel, listening for the sounds of the babbling river she hopes is nearby, while the other flicks back to Neverwhere.

She waits and listens, letting the gray mare tell a little more about the place she came from. A high desert? Lilli had honestly never known the difference so she listens to Neverwhere’s explanation. ”I never knew it could snow in the desert..,” she replies, fascinated with the thought. She has been too much of her mother’s daughter to want to remain (or want to go) where it is hot but the idea of ice and snow and frost going through Neverwhere’s desert is an interesting one. ”I was born in a place called Murmuring Rivers.. it was small and we had a lot of rivers,” she adds rather cheekily, taking a moment to grin back at her companion. She looks forward again, trying to turn her attention to finding their way through the path as dusk continues to pass them by.

”What was your family like Neverwhere? Any brothers or sisters?” she asks, hoping to keep herself occupied as they continue to trek on. It is only Never’s next comment that causes her to slow down and she looks back to the mare, her features alight with interest. ”I’ve heard that Pangea might have some deserts.. I can’t say if it is a high desert like yours.” And then she exhales, thinking of her wish to see the Forbidden Dale. It is only then that the faintest of sounds reaches her ears and Lilli turns her head away from Neverwhere, lifts it higher and listens.

The soothing sound of running water reaches comes clear through the silence and Lilliana can smell it, that lovely, pure scent it always carries with it. They weren’t far. She laughs and in her eagerness, she turns her beaming face to the mare behind her. ”Do you hear that?” she asks, her voice rising suddenly with a mixture of relief and joy.

It was the River and it sounded as if they weren’t far away at all. The tinkling of the water in that moment is a marvelous sound, fed by Lilli's happiness that she has been able to get them both this far, something that has never been asked of her before.


@[neverwhere] continued from the Forest.

[Neverwhere]

Murmuring Rivers sounds pleasant enough, green and musical, like Lilli herself, chuckling at her joke. It is easy to imagine creatures such as her living along the lush riverbanks, glossy-coated and practicing their magics. Had the chestnut mare ever had magic? It seems as though many that cross into this land lose their powers when they step onto its shores. Not all, but many. The fairies that guard this place are jealous, or spiteful, or perhaps distrustful more than anything else, which is reasonable, in Neverwhere’s estimation.

She is also distrustful of those who wield power.

She crosses the path with her exaggerated, careful steps, and thinks on how, even without great magic or power, she has changed since leaving her homeland, how, even if she were homesick, she couldn’t return to that life. What would she be returning to, now that she knows how much is out there?

“We were simple horses living a simple life,” she muses, shaking her mane free of the deft clutches of a reaching elm, “a nomadic tribe, following water and food. There were no healers or prophets, no airbenders or diviners, we followed our instincts on the paths we always walked, for generations. It’s not a very political life, but it has its own challenges.”

And why had she left? She’d been bored, that was part of it, true, but she had been seeking something more. Some nameless extra. Something beyond the same worn paths, and the same worn faces, a herd and a foal come Spring. Perhaps especially that, it had clutched her heart in icy fingers and she knew that that was not the life for her. She had wanted to see things.

And look where it had gotten her. Far away, nearly blind, and stubbournly alone until recently.

“My family was large enough, but loosely connected. My brothers left to find their fortunes, and my sisters eventually broke off into other family groups. I guess I liked the sound of finding my fortune better.”

It was difficult to discuss, not because it was emotional, but because it wasn’t, terribly. They were family, but when they parted, it was with the understanding that sons and brothers would become rivals, would face teeth and hard hooves, and never be welcome where-ever they went. Daughters and sisters would at best have fleeting moments at the ponds, a breath, a soft touch of the nose, and they would be separated again. Neverwhere knows without saying that Lilliana would find this unutterably sad, and she bites her tongue, not wanting the red mare’s sympathy. Perhaps it is sad, but she does not feel that way. Everyone was free to choose their path, to stay, as most did, or to go, as she had done.

But, and this might be the most damning thing, she can hardly recall their names anymore. Every step fades her memory a little of what came before. The chestnut mare can't forget, and Neverwhere can barely remember.

The dappled mare falls still as Lilli’s head comes up, scenting the water that lays heavy on the air, the tang of stone and algae, joy palpable on the air, fluttering like bird’s breath before the song begins. Turning to returning Lilliana’s look, Neverwhere nods, she hears it, smells it, the river.

Neverwhere

.........

[lilliana]

She wonders about Murmuring Rivers every so often, even more now that she has come here. Lilli feels guilty about that. Shouldn't she be thinking more of Paraiso, the ancestral seat of her family? What of Culloden? The twinges are there, the reminder that she should think of them more often. But it is that favorite bend in the River, the place where the wildflowers danced in the late summer sun, the sound of the trickling river as it moved past her that come to mind. If she had been able, perhaps if she had some magical ability herself, she could have shared that place with Neverwhere. 

What the silver mare would have made of her childhood home, well, that causes a smirk to dwell on Lilli's lips.

An ear remains back on Neverwhere and she listens, trying to recreate the land and its people in her mind. "I think a simple life sounds lovely," she murmurs. Simple is a welcome thought after Fostbane and Orestes, after exchanging one home for another, for all the wrong decisions she made. She looks back to her silver companion, glancing back to see Never's expression as she speaks of her home. "Do you miss them?" she prompts. The curiosity runs rampant on Lilliana's face as she tries to understand Neverwhere's history, this place where the way of life was the paths they determined on their own. For as simple as they sound, Lilli thinks they sound noble, a reflection that she sees in her new friend.

Her attention resumes on the path ahead, Lilli finding her stride the further they go. One ear does occasionally flick back as she listens, not wanting to miss something that Neverwhere has to say. As the shadows start to grow longer, as the crickets come calling and the night beckons, she becomes more determined that they will reach the River before nightfall.

"My mother's herd was like that," she offers. "They had no magic to speak of. The sons were sent to make their own way into the world and the daughters were intended for alliances, to bring the neighboring herds together. She left before that could happen but you remind me of her," she says, looking back to offer Neverwhere a grin. "She thought that domestication of a herd and being a broodmare sounded much more tumultuous than the frozen mountains around her so she left to make her own way."

For one, aching moment Lilli wishes she could do a better job of recalling her mother because in Lilli's eyes, there is no higher compliment than being compared to Paraiso's former Queen and Regent.

And that is when the music chimes - when the lovely sound of running water reaches her ears. The grin broadens to surprise and joy. She shares the moment with Neverwhere as the other mare nods and Lilli can hardly believe that she was actually able to find it. It makes her feel not so helpless or hopeless, as if there might be something redeeming in her after all. Maybe, just maybe, there might be a chance to make sense of this place.

With rather childlike energy, she inclines her head towards the sound. "Not much further," she says, still disbelieving. "We should make the River before the moon rises." The chestnut is ready to continue to trek on, her hooves itching to go. But a concerned glance back to Neverwhere stops her, "Your doing alright? If it's too dark, just tell me to stop and we can rest for the night."

@[neverwhere]

[Neverwhere]

Darkness spreads across the sky like a bruise as the mares approach the tree line, the sound of rushing water as loud as the wind in the tree tops overhead.  Lilli’s body radiates energy, she is ready to bolt and barely contains herself, her worry that Neverwhere will lose her way now the only thing thing keeping her near. The dappled brown mare shakes her head, her mane falling rakishly to either side of her neck.

“I won’t get lost, you can go ahead.” The ground underfoot has become rockier as they come nearer the water, the trees thinning so that the understory grows thicker, and she snaps her tails side to side with the memory of snagging branches, though she managed to shake free of the offending plants some time ago. Although the searing sun has dropped away, her vision really is not much better, it is only less painful, and the tearing has stopped, leaving only pinkish-brown porphyrin stains trailing down her cheeks like some kind of sad clown. The throb of her scarred skin has gone, only the tightness remains, with it’s occasional pang. Overall, she prefers the night.

With the chestnut leading, Neverwhere makes her way through the bushes and the grasses that spring up suddenly as the trees fall away, and then, at last, her hooves crunch familiarly on river rock and sand. The air has the tang of algae and the mineral scent of water tumbling wild over rock, dissolving them slowly over centuries. Her nostrils flare, full of it, memories of other times she has encountered the smell, times when it was more than a passing interest, but a necessity, life. There weren’t many of those times, she had learned quickly in her travels to find and follow water, learned where to dig to find it, what plants to eat – and in the end, to avoid some territories entirely in certain seasons.

The ground shifts under careful feet, hoof striking scattered rocks with a ring, and to the east, the moon is rising. It’s cool glow glints off the water ahead, dancing and leaping, and banishes thoughts of deserts and searing heat from her mind. She catches up to Lilliana, who has drawn ahead while Neverwhere remembered.

And then, remembers what she’s forgotten.

“I… I don’t think so. And I doubt they miss me, or think of me much.” She lifts her head, peering into darkness, “That kind of life consumes you, there’s not a lot of time for memories unless they’re useful.”

The silver-maned mare has no doubt her family is doing as it has always done, somewhere many miles away. As they draw near enough that water laps coolly at the warm shell of her hoof, she dips her knotted muzzle to it, drinking, and then lifts her head, attention returning to Lilli with silver droplets falling to darken the grey rock below. She didn’t learn in her travelling how to react to someone comparing her to their mother, so she lets the words hang, unsure how to accept them.

“And what about you, do your think your family is looking you? Hard to imagine anyone would want to leave there, you already had magic ,” and monsters, it would seem, “coming here just seems like more of the same.”

Neverwhere

.........

[lilliana]

Neverwhere shakes her head and Lilli looks curiously back at her traveling partner. Her brow raises with mild surprise at the silver mare’s indifference to being left behind. But then, Neverwhere has made it this far on her own and she surely doesn’t need someone with Lilli’s navigational.. capabilities to lead her to water (or anywhere really). But the russet mare refuses to give in to her indulgences. She quells the urge to move quickly and instead steadies herself, allowing each football to find a regular tandem.

Neverwhere might not need Lilliana to lead her any further but the chestnut is determined to get her to the River. Once they reach their destination, she will let her dappled companion decide if she needs any further assistance and if so, to what degree.

The look she gives to Neverwhere is lighthearted and could perhaps be regarded as mischievous. ”And be denied your lovely company?” The mare gives her head a slight shake and beams at her friend, ”Never.” Lilli turns her attention back to traveling the remainder of their trek, walking along the path laid before her. The trees continue to grow sparse as the sound of running water becomes louder in her delicately-tipped ears which remain fixed forward, still eager to reach their destination. The trees eventually fall away and even the shrubs and brush seem to vanish as the pair finally reach the bank of the River.

Lilliana takes her first steps down the sloping back and calls back to Nevewhere, ”It’s a little steep. Watch your steps.” Even as she says this, Lilli misplaces one of her own hooves. The ground gives beneath her as her front leg slides forward and her three stockings become covered in mud and mire. It takes her a moment but she finds her balance and reaches the edge of the water without any further incidents.

Her front two hooves send ripples outwards as she takes a tentative step and then a second one into the refreshing current. The moon is rising and casts a silver allure on the moving current. The beauty of it isn’t missed by Lilli and she takes a moment to observe it, to lose herself in the simplicity and silvery light that radiates from the water's surface. Neverwhere speaks again and it doesn’t settle right with Lilliana. The corners of her mouth pull downward as she reaches down and satisfies her thirst while still contemplating Nevewhere’s words.

The moonrise settles around them and ear flicks to Neverwhere while Lilli stands silent, thinking. ”Somebody misses you, Neverwhere.” She says softly, unsure of where the answer came from. Maybe it’s just her thinking out loud – she knows she will come to miss the silver mare when their time here ends.

But Nevewhere’s next question suddenly makes her throat dry.

”No,” Lilli says, a gentle sound that comes out hollow. She shakes her head again, trying to banish the tightness she feels starting to burn in her chest. ”Nobody is looking for me.” Her eyes come away from the illuminated river and seek out the silver shadow standing next to her. ”We had magic. And war. And turmoil.”

And loss, she thinks. But Lilli can’t summon those words, can’t get them to leave the echoes of her mind.

”But my family was moving on and I couldn’t..” she struggles here, searching and losing, choking on her failure to find the words she needs. ”It seemed like a chance to start over.”

She exhales, pushing away all of it. It comes too close, makes too many demands on her aching heart and Lilli withstands it like waves washing over rocks. She pushes it out again, further and further away until she can no longer feel the demanding pull of the events, the actions, and consequences, that have led her to Beqanna.

The night comes in dark strokes now. Twilight falls further away, letting the depth of darkness surround them.

Enough, she thinks. It has been enough about her. Escaping her inner demons, she turns the conversation back to Neverwhere. ”Do you still think you will do nothing here? Or in all your wandering, are you looking for something?”

@[neverwhere] sorry this took so long and it's wierd.

[Neverwhere]

Lovely company indeed. She whuffs softly at Lilliana's assertion that somebody is missing her. It's would be difficult to explain to the chestnut mare why this is so unlikely. Perhaps because she was not raised to quite the same life with such loose knit ties, or perhaps she is misplacing her own bias, which Neverwhere would not put past her. It's so easy to assume others feel a certain way when you feel that way. The heart wants company.

And yet, she is so fast to claim the same for herself. So quick to say that her family has left her behind. It seems unlikely that Lillianna, who makes an impression on everybody, has been forgotten. The dapple's feet slosh and grind noisily in the rocky shallows of the river as she closes the space between them, and, stretching her neck out, presses her scarred muzzle into the hollow space where whither meets shoulder.

"I am sorry if that's true," she says, pulling back, "I don't know much about families like that, close ones. Maybe what seems like detachment is only knowing you need room to heal and grow. Perhaps it is what they need, too."

It isn't said as a question. There are many things hiding away inside the chestnut, anger and sadness brewing something bitter and dark that she pushes down, tries to forget. Poorly, Neverwhere thinks, though she keeps it to herself.

Although no longer touching, she remains close as the red mare changes the topic of conversation to something a little lighter than the heaviness of her soul.

"I thought I was looking for adventure, but I never found any. Perhaps I will travel to Nerine, from here I'll be able to visit many of the other lands on the way there, or back. But I don't have any plans."




@[lilliana] Airport phone post!

[lilliana]

The realist and the dreamer. What a pair they make. (Neverwhere perhaps doesn’t want to acknowledge that they are a pair but little does she know how stubborn the chestnut can be, how resolute she is in those she allows into her inner circle.) Whether the silver mare realizes it or not, she has earned Lilliana’s respect and admiration. That means there will be visits, more interactions between the two because the crimson mare is quite determined to let Neverwhere know that somebody (Lilli) misses her.

They might have two completely different upbringings – Never left to the elements and the primal instincts of survival and Lilli safely kept nestled in the heart of her family – but Lilliana is steadfast in her decision that she will see Neverwhere again.

In the silver of moonlight, when everything is painted in shadow and unknown, she can hear the splashing of Neverwhere as she closes the distance between them. She feels the warmth of her as she presses her muzzle into her shoulder and Lilli turns her head, softly smiling into the dappled form of her friend. There is sadness there, an ache and a hollow that can never be filled as much as Lilli tries. There will always be a regret there – about what should have been.

”Don’t be,” she ushers gently into the night. For her friend who is so grounded, Lilli tries to share her reasons for stumbling upon Beqanna’s shores. ”My parents have earned a right to be together after a lifetime of service,” she murmurs. A decade worth of leading and war. It had been the easiest part of her decision - letting them go. ”My brother took his family, his mate and children, to place where they might have a chance to prosper.” It’s so much easier to see this from the outside, to peer in instead of being at the heart of the storm. And finally she relents the last details, ”There was no reason left for me to stay so I came here. Without my family, there was no reason to stay.”

A smile quirks then, a playful grin that refuses to die even in the moonlight. The crimson girl is brimming with so many things: questions, anger, regret. Someday, perhaps, she will have a thicker skin. Maybe one day she will be able to wear the scars and answer the questions without flinching. But the wounds are still new and raw. They still ache and haven’t been given the time they need to heal.
Someday, perhaps, Lilli will learn to forgive herself.

But it starts with days like today, days that end with nights like this, with relationships forged with those like Neverwhere. The silver mare pulls away and Lilli feels a rush of gratitude towards the mare. She needs this, to not lose herself to the darker emotions that tend to build in a hurricane of emotion. Most days the chestnut can keep them at bay, can keep her secrets and her feelings to herself (though not very well). But on nights like tonight when the right questions are asked and the past creeps in like a fog, Lilli is grateful for the presence of someone other than herself.

It makes the ghosts bearable.

She glances towards Never, her blues warm and somehow bright in these middling hours of nightfall. ”I’ll be in Taiga if you ever feel the need the for inciting rebellions or wreaking havoc.”

@[neverwhere] congrats you have won another wine post.

you've won a 7 day stay at a girl scout camp of your choice with complimentary friendship bracelets.

kumbaya.