without you there are holes in my soul; dahmer

[leliana]

I waited for something and something died
so I waited for nothing and nothing arrived

There is a scar on her cheek, a scar on her shoulder, but they are no match for the scars that riddle her internally. They are trivial to the way she has broken apart, the tearing of flesh a laughing matter when she thinks about the way her heart has imploded. She is blind with grief when she returns to Tephra, and she is broken—so incredibly broken. Her flight is clumsy, what had always seemed so simple suddenly an act that takes everything within her to complete. Just one more minute, she reminds herself. Just one.

When she lands, she is spent, the tears having dried upon her cheek, but her neck slick with sweat despite the winter chill in the air. Ghosts are in her eyes and in her chest, and she can feel them screaming with every inch of space. Dovev’s words ring in her mind, but they are not the only thing that haunts her in the quiet. These memories press into her, greedily, selfishly—they claw at her until she can only close her eyes and shake, until she can cry silently, the tears falling down her cheeks as she is flooded by it all.

The noise disrupts her, pulls her from her thoughts, and she startles, the wings of ivory and onyx fluttering by her sides. For a moment, she cranes her neck away from the source of it, pulling her eyes tight to try and dry them. When she looks back to him, it is obvious that she has cried but the telltale signs of it are less, the ghosts fading as she draws her composure upon herself as if it is a shield, as if a weapon.

But she had not expected to see him.

“Dahmer,” his name escapes her quickly, and she steadies herself, trying to find her center of balance, trying to find a way to right the world beneath her. “I hope—” her voice cracks just a little on the edges and she draws a deep breath, exposing the scar on her cheek, her shoulder as she twists her head just a little before glancing back. “I hope I didn’t disturb you.” For but a moment, one corner of her red velvet mouth lifts into an attempted smile but it fractures and then falls, Leliana hopelessly lost before him.

it's our dearest ally, it's our closest friend
it's our darkest blackout, it's our final end

@[Dahmer], so i thought it'd be fun to start a new thread since so much had happened.

and then this happened.

so...whoops. :| dahmer gets emotional breakdown.

[Dahmer]

Winter had greeted them more harshly this year than any other Dahmer had spent living in Tephra. There had been no snow -- for which he is eternally grateful -- but that did not stop the icy breezes of his least favorite season from ruffling the branches in their forest. He had taken to the section of trees closest to the volcano, where the streams of roiling plasma were more abundant. He had found a small basin of lava in the northwest corner of the territory, tucked just at the base of volcano, that kept him warm enough to his liking.

He has not left it since.

Dahmer circles the small pool, his bright blue eyes watching closely so the he does not venture too close to the burning liquid, but his attention is soon drawn away by the less-than-rhythmic flapping of a large winged creature. A frown tugs at his black lips and he turns sharply to move in the direction of the noise. His crescent-shaped hooves beat against the warm earth of Tephra, moving a bit too far from his warm sanctuary than he is comfortable.

And yet, he moves faster as the scent of Leliana mingles with the volcanic air.

They nearly collide. Her eyes are irritated and red, her skin punctuated with a pair of scars, and Dahmer's ears instantly lay against his skull. Her broken smile squeezes his chest and the black beast snorts fiercely. "Who?"

D A H M E R
break some bread
for all my sins

✿ ✿

[leliana]

I waited for something and something died
so I waited for nothing and nothing arrived

Seeing Dahmer angry is something completely different than what she is used to with him, and she is almost unsure of how to handle it. She took a steadying breath, but just shook her head, the crimson of her mane curling against her jaw. It wasn’t the right question—there was no answer. It wasn’t just a who, it was a what. It was everything that had happened to her in the past year; it was the way she had been consumed by what she had thought was love. But was love this painful? Did love take everything from you and then give nothing in return? Was love this demanding, this selfish, this excruciating?

She had no barometer.

She had no loving parents to learn from, no older role models to guide her behavior. She simply had the love of Exist, the selfless and eternal love of her twin, and that was nothing like this. Exist was loyal, she was kind, she gave a love that was unconditional. So why was her love for Dovev so different?

These were the questions that crushed her, that stopped up her throat, but she didn’t know how to form them, to ask him. To ask him why she was so little to the man who had collided with her life and then stripped away everything from her. To ask why she was so expendable, so replaceable.

Instead she just shook again, the frown creasing her brow, her heart pounding in her chest. “It doesn’t matter,” she finally managed, her foggy voice thick in her mouth. Who would she even say? That it was Zoryn? He was technically the stallion who had taken teeth to her flesh, who had ripped it open. That was truth, but not wholly—because the truth was that the reason she bore these scars was not him. She could say it was Dovev because he was the one who had brought Zoryn into her life, but even that was not true.

She was the reason for all of this.

There was no one to blame except her foolish, greedy heart.

it's our dearest ally, it's our closest friend
it's our darkest blackout, it's our final end

[Dahmer]

He knows immediately that he has not responded correctly to Leliana's... brokenness. Desole the Hellhound, mommy dearest, had never taken the time to show him that there were ways to respond to threats that did not involve anger, so he is suddenly confused. He extends his maw to her, thinking for a moment that she needs a stable touch or a steady hand, but then he simply hovers, inches from her marred skin, and holds his wavering breath.

It doesn't matter.

Dahmer releases his breath swiftly, as if it was punched from his chest, "It matters to me," his words almost frantic. Dahmer is tense beneath he black coat, flexing in the sun each time he anxiously shifts his weight. He doesn't move, though -- neither closer, or farther away. He can feel the heat of Leliana's body from here, and her excruciating sadness just as palpable.

"Tell me what I can do, Leli."

His blue eyes plead to her, silently and urgently.


ooc / sorry for how short this is ran out of time and wanted to have something up for you!

D A H M E R
break some bread
for all my sins

✿ ✿

[leliana]

I waited for something and something died
so I waited for nothing and nothing arrived

He steps to her and for a moment—a fleeting moment—she almost collapses against him, she almost lets the tears come once more. But she doesn’t. She remains upright, swallowing back the ache that is now a pit in the center of her belly, painful and solid. Perhaps she would never heal from this. Perhaps she was never meant to. Perhaps this it her lot in life—this die that has been cast and found her wanting.

Still, she cannot help but close the distance between them, and the velvet of her nose finds the strong arch of his jaw. She breathes him in and closes her eyes, steadying herself upon his reassuring presence.

“Just stay,” she finally whispers, taking a step to him and then another until her chest is against his and her head is laid across the strong expanse of his back. She had stood like this, another time, another day, with Dovev. She had felt his heart thundering against her own—felt the cool curve of his bone armor press into her. Wondered at the newness of emotion blossoming in her chest. It felt like ages ago.

Another tear falls down her cheek but she ignores it, instead focusing on the feel of him, the sturdiness of him against her. Her knees will not buckle, but if they did—were she to falter, he was strong. There was something reassuring about that, something steadying about having someone like him next to her.

“I don’t know what to do anymore,” she confesses into her flesh, because it is easier to talk when she is not staring into the icy blue of his eyes, when she does not have to stand beneath his gaze.

“Perhaps I never did.”

it's our dearest ally, it's our closest friend
it's our darkest blackout, it's our final end

[Dahmer]

The fire burning hot in Dahmer's belly has yet to subside. He is unsure when it will. Nevertheless, he keeps his anger from Leliana, for fear of pushing her away. There is a cold hollowness in her eyes that makes makes his rage swell, albeit briefly, before he reins the heat back in. Just in time, too, as the mahogany bay takes that final step and lingers with her nose beneath his cheek. Her pleading request is soft and Dahmer nearly admonishes that 'yes, of course!' he would stay with her, but he bites his tongue and allows his presence to answer for him.

Then, she is against his chest and Dahmer's heart is hammering swiftly in response. He lets Leliana lean into him. Her warm body melds to him and Dahmer remains sturdy, offering her silent comfort and waiting patiently to see if she will find her voice again.

Breathing slowly, the black Thoroughbred runs his nose over the bay mare's withers and back. The pattern is circular and methodical, and he continues it in the hopes that she will allow it to relax her. When the winged mare breaks the silence between them, it almost sounds like she could be speaking to herself, but Dahmer nickers regardless, and leans into her a little more. "It would be too easy if we knew the solutions to our problems before we even encountered them."

Dahmer lifts his dark head slightly and lips at the portion of her mane closest to her withers and, not wanting to overstep, refrains from commenting any further, unless she asks. Instead, the black beast begins to hum a  soft and lilting song that his mother had taught him, letting his chest reverberate against Leliana's.

The song had been, perhaps, the only motherly thing that Desole had ever shared with him.

D A H M E R
break some bread
for all my sins

✿ ✿

[leliana]

I waited for something and something died
so I waited for nothing and nothing arrived

She finds rest here, refuge, and she is grateful for it.

He allows her close, and his touch is gentle, sensitive and kind, and she cannot help but compare it to the hunger, the demanding touches of Dovev. He had never been gentle with her; he had been a wildfire that had consumed her whole. He ravaged and burnt all of her, leaving her with singed palms and an empty chest. He took, and he took, and she was always so eager to give. She gave him everything, emptied herself out for him—and the worst part was knowing she would do it again. She was helpless not to.

But here, she finds comfort, and she melts against him. At his words, she just laughs softly, shaking her head. “Is it weak of me to long for easy?” she asks, her cheek against the strength of his back. “You and Magnus are both so strong—it is hard to imagine you choosing anything but the most dangerous of paths and yet, here I stand longing for easy.” How she wants that. She wants soft afternoons and lazy naps. She wants to wake up surrounded by her family. She longs for simple pleasures, kind smiles.

She wants nothing more than she wants easy.

But she knows that isn’t possible and so she doesn’t push the subject, instead she closes her eyes and lets herself relax against him. His song is beautiful, and vulnerable, and she cannot stop the tears that form in her eyes, that slip down her mahogany cheeks and wet his skin where her head lies. “That is beautiful,” she whispers, taking a deep breath and wrapping herself in his scent. “Have you always known that?”

It was easier to change subjects—to ask him questions, to delve into his past.

Anything was easier than facing everything her life had become.

it's our dearest ally, it's our closest friend
it's our darkest blackout, it's our final end