"But the dream, the echo, slips from him as quickly as he had found it and as consciousness comes to him (a slap and not the gentle waves of oceanic tides), it dissolves entirely. His muscles relax as the cold claims him again, as the numbness sets in, and when his grey eyes open, there’s nothing but the faint after burn of a dream often trod and never remembered." --Brigade, written by Laura
with her sweetened breath and her tongue so mean she's the angel of small death and the codeine scene
She has been this way before. Lost, drifting, untethered from a body too damaged to sustain the consciousness it is meant to hold. The first time this had happened, she’d been gone for so long, had come back to a world changed by time, made unfamiliar in the steady flow of seasons passing by. But she would not allow that to happen a second time, would not slip so willingly into the afterlife to meet with the dead, explore a world hidden from so many. It had been acceptable when there was nothing special to come back to, nothing to make her want to stay in one world over the other. The dead had been as fine as the living, their gray, plain world something new to discover.
But she was a mother now, had a boy who needed her. A boy she needed, too. Her secret Soldat, her perfect little Rian who must be wondering why she left him, wondering where she went and why she wasn’t coming back.
It makes her wild with fury, breaks the calm lackadaisy she is so good at holding onto. That is HER boy.
And-
But she frowns, as much as a consciousness can, and thinks about the man who must be with her boy. Their boy. Wonders why in the world her metaphysical chest tightens when her thoughts widen to include him, too. Is he not just a man who had been in the right place at the right time, as fine a companion as any for the adventure that discovering Soldat had become. He should be easy enough to disregard in that same way she can appreciate the usefulness of the sun or the trees or the air that they breathe, things she would rather have than not, but feels no particular attachment to.
Except that is not what he feels like, because all at once she finds she wants to return to him, too.
It is strange and baffling, nonsense for sure, but when she feels their minds drift free of their bodies as they surrender to sleep, she draws them in to her.
Dreams don’t require bodies, after all.
She builds them their forest, gives Ruan his trees and deep shade, a quiet pond nearby to reflect a sky the color of eggshells. But the bodies she chooses are not entirely their own, except in the case of the boy who remains entirely equine, entirely himself. She is the deep purple she-wolf with glittering amethyst eyes. Large and beautiful with thick purple feathering on the backs of each leg, a mane around her neck, a tail too luxurious to be realistic. Ruan is sleek and dark and muscular, retains all his new coloring except that he does so in the form of a large, handsome wolf. These are the forms Soldat knew them in first, the wolves who had found him and kept him safe, became his parents.
She pads over to where Soldat is laying first, makes sure she moves slow enough that he has time to recognize the face of her wolf and the scent she was careful to keep the same. “Hi baby.” She says, a soft, feminine rumble as she reaches up to lick his nose, clean some dirt from that beautiful little face she misses so goddamn much. “I miss you.” But the words don’t seem enough, don’t even touch this sudden new ache in her chest that she feels at knowing he is out there somewhere without her.
She doesn’t leave her boy, stays close and cleaning him, fussing over his ears and his mane until she finally lays down beside him, her body wrapped around him as much as she can reach. Only then does her head lift, those glowing amethyst eyes fixed sharply on the male wolf. Except that sharpness fades, fades quicker than it has any right to, until she is merely watching him with a kind of quiet curiosity. It’s good to see you, Ruan. Then she’s beckoning him closer with her nose, making room for him to join them.
12-16-2018, 02:32 PM (This post was last modified: 12-16-2018, 02:38 PM by Ruan.)
ruan
It wasn't often that he slept. Brief snoozes throughout the day was his norm, in between watching over their residents - their family - and guarding the border from unwelcome guests. Tonight, he would change that.
It felt subtly different in some way as he tucked his children in, helping his glass daughter settle so carefully before Rian could bulldoze his clumsy way in and cause another nick in her solid skin. This was all normal, or becoming normal for them and yet there was a tingling sense that something would happen. He had always been intuitive, a natural sense that many ignored, and he'd learned to listen to it. He wouldn't question it as he had in his past.
Very well. He would sleep then this time.
He pulled his magic in as deep as he could, bound it up tightly as he lowered himself between them. His breath drifted over them, chilly despite how firmly he tried to hold his ice inside himself. It was running rampant lately, eager to be stretched and exerted and it had had enough of being locked away as was his usual. He sighed to himself and conceded that he would work out later, build on the power he already had for the sake of satisfying it and controlling it better.
Bright blue eyes watched over their surroundings, ingrained habit that had long become his nature. It was common that his wolven features startled creatures away from them, though his steady calm occasionally caused them pause first. He listened to his children slowly drift off into sleep, safe and loved in the home they'd always known. Then he took a deep breath and sighed again. Sleep was not easy, but he would obey his intuition and eventually he slipped cautiously into sleep as well, his dark head curled over his daughter.
When he woke in his dream, he was his wolf and laying casually on his belly. The trees were much the same, familiar and meant to be somewhere in their home with the scent of water nearby. And Bright's scent too.
His startlingly blue eyes settled on her and he watched in stoic silence as Rian put the pieces together, recognized her and went barreling to her. It always set something sharp and aching to watch a woman so powerful and indifferent be overcome with affection for a family she hadn't planned for, relationships she likely hadn't wanted. And yet she gave herself over to it without reservations, not only accepting them but wanting them. Or at least the boy they shared.
His heart hurt deeply.
His failed marriage still haunted him years later.
As she and Rian took a moment together, he glanced to his side and dreamed his sweet Polaris into existence. She was his family and she would be here, resting curled up at his side just as she was in their waking life. He touched his muzzle to her little shoulder just as he would've had she been here, or had they been awake, fogging her pristine surface with his breath. She was extraordinary, a creature unlike any other, and he may never get over his awe of her existence.
Then his gaze met Bright's as they looked to each other, dazzling blue paired to glowing amethyst, each watching the other quietly for a long moment until her voice threaded into his mind. It's good to see you, Ruan.
He blinked in answer. When she gestured an offer to him, he considered it, then dreamed himself and Polaris to their side. He'd had practice with dreams, warming his mental muscles as he altered his nightmares to better outcomes, or at the least slightly less painful ones. The memories he could not alter, unfortunately.
"You look well," he commented quietly, his voice a low rumble of darkness as his shoulder pressed to hers, his daughter on his other side and Rian on hers. It was only a dream version of her, but he could feel it was a genuine encounter. She was really here in some way, even if her figure may be false. She could correct him if it were wrong.
The moment he popped his head up and saw his wolfmom he was scrambling to his feet and racing to her, his eyes wide in his black face and mouth gaped open in a silent gasp. He launched himself against her and burst instantly into tears, burrowed into the purple fur that felt and smelled like home, the same purple in his leopard spots across his milky body.
She came home! She was finally home! She hadn't left forever!
He continued soft, hiccuping sobs as she cleaned his face and loved on him, sitting obediently for her motherly administrations. She'd left him for so long. And Ruan hadn't always been so quiet and strong like he was now. Sometimes he would get a crazy new look in his eyes and be suddenly mean and vicious and frightening. He didn't like it when he did that, and he didn't think Mom would either. But maybe he was wrong. Maybe this was normal.
"I miss you," she told him, and he may not have had a full grasp of what it meant but he could feel it echo in his little chest. He nodded silently and pressed himself into her fur, leaning firmly and feeling her so solid against him as he sniffled quietly. He'd missed her too, and he was so glad she was finally home again. It wasn't the same without her and he didn't want to be here with just Ruan anymore.
But she was back, so it would be okay now.
She lowered beside him and wrapped him up, even her tail curling around him too and he tightened into a little ball to fit better. He watched Ruan from where they were as they spoke to each other, and then snuggled closer after Ruan and Polaris suddenly appeared beside them. Wait, what? His head lifted with a frown. They couldn't do that before. His light brown eyes stayed on the two of them as he worried in his mind in confused silence.
Perhaps Mom had done that though. And he let it go, melting into this moment with his wolf-parents both here with him. It was way better when they were both with him. Just like the first time he could remember opening his eyes, these wolves standing over him with the sharpness in their gazes and the buried-down fury.
with her sweetened breath and her tongue so mean she's the angel of small death and the codeine scene
His thoughts take to her like a blade, carving wounds in her chest and exposing the soft, red pulp beneath. She is certain if not for those long curved rib bones holding everything in place, she would’ve been hollowed out. There’s no easy way to tell him this is just a dream, just temporary, that she is still trapped someplace far from him where he has no way of reaching her. So she just claims him with kisses, pulls him down beside her in the crook of her belly with a long, feathered leg over his ribs to hold him close.
But his thoughts make her wonder as much as they break her, those little ones about Ruan and his wild, how he sometimes frightened their boy. Those gem-bright eyes lift to find him in the hazy dark, searching his gaze, his face, his body for anything that might give away the tension her boy is hinting at in his thoughts. But Ruan’s mind is the only place she finds anything amiss, finds that there is too much magic trapped inside him, more ice than anything else.
Let us go for a run when they’re asleep, Ruan.
She is so distracted by the boy in her arms that she doesn’t even realize the soft, almost concerned way she had thought that at her wolf companion. Or is trying to ignore it, at least. Not look this particular beast in the eye just yet.
Her tongue sweeps across Rian’s neck, over his ears and his face, her leg keeping him pinned down beside her in case he decides to get fussy with this impromptu bathtime. Even when she feels Ruan appear beside her, leans into the pressure of his shoulder against hers, she only looks up at him for a second to lick his muzzle, notice the girl beside him. But without Bright’s intervention, it is only a mimicry of Polaris, only a replica since the male wolf has no magic in this way. She hesitates a beat, flicks her gaze to his face, and then pulls his girl from her dreams to that body he had made her. “I always look well.” Murmured, smug.
The only sign anything had changed is the soft stirring of the girl beside him, nuzzling closer to the sudden warmth of his thick wolf pelt.
She returns her attention to Rian, nuzzling his neck with a soft murmur and a song humming in her chest. Something nameless and wordless, a quiet melody meant to soothe him back to sleep so that he didn’t wake up so exhausted in the morning. But Ruan’s murmured question makes her prickle, and she steals them before they can reach their little boys ears and worry him. Not aloud, Ruan. I don’t want to ruin this time together for him until I absolutely have to. Her head had whipped around to him, eyes digging into his face. But her whole expression softens with an unspoken pain, an ache in her chest at being reminded that this is only temporary, only for now. She looks away, looks down at her boy again. Soon, I hope, if Woolf can do what needs to be done.
He stared back at her, assuming the boy likely thought something of him and now he was caught. He wasn't meant to watch them alone right now anyway. It was hard to control and he was doing the best he could. Even if he knew that it wasn't enough. He could've hurt them, and still might unintentionally. So he nodded once and let his eyes return to his daughter.
She was real now, stirring beside him without his thought. A soft smile briefly ghosted his mouth, grateful that Bright had pulled her in here as well where he could continue holding her until the boy slept.
The moment Ruan spoke again, asking when she would be returning, she wiped the words from existence. He frowned but fell silent. Soon, though, she hoped. He hoped too.
It wasn't long under the spell of her singing that little Rian finally drifted to sleep in his mother's arms. Polaris was already asleep, still sleeping as in the waking world, and he shifted carefully to his feet. With a few last soft touches, he tucked her in beside Rian, letting them share each other's warmth, then turned to lead them away from the children.
I don't feel like running tonight, he told her, his voice hollow. His magic was wild and raging in him, but he was tired. Tired of so many things. He didn't want anything right now but peace, which was a foolish fantasy. There would never be peace for him again.
I can't do this alone as I normally do. I am failing them. Being a single parent was nothing new to him, but he'd been far more stable. He was still managing, barely, and he would continue to try, as always. It just wouldn't be enough, was all.
