"But the dream, the echo, slips from him as quickly as he had found it and as consciousness comes to him (a slap and not the gentle waves of oceanic tides), it dissolves entirely. His muscles relax as the cold claims him again, as the numbness sets in, and when his grey eyes open, there’s nothing but the faint after burn of a dream often trod and never remembered." --Brigade, written by Laura
11-25-2018, 12:22 AM (This post was last modified: 12-19-2018, 02:24 PM by Kharon.)
kharon
oh baby, I have not been kind
"I'm sorry," he murmured so softly, carefully folding himself down to the cool earth. "I hope this is alright."
They'd done a lot of walking around the island today, tracing the shoreline until they made a full circuit then cutting through their new home and nodding to the other residents as they passed by. It was mostly uneventful, but it was still a long day. He enjoyed seeing others, meeting new faces or saying hi to familiar people. His head was aching though. There were more refugees here than when they'd first arrived, and each day it seemed to grow in number. The more there were, the more voices were constantly ringing in his head and he just needed to sit for a while.
Nothing could drown it out though. Nothing would shut it off.
He pinched his eyes shut anyway, settling to the side on a hip and fluffing his feathers a bit. Goddamn, so many of them. Their own family, of course. The healers and Tiphon. Luster's family; her boy, her parents, her numerous siblings and possibly more. Dovev's family, at least five of them, possibly more. And so many damn women nearly bursting in their pregnancies, all those tiny babes already in his mind too, just as Kali had been. Luster's baby sister. Dovev's twins. Dovev's other twins. The list went on and on and he heard each voice, every single one. All at the same time.
"What, baby?" She'd said something, he was pretty sure. Oh no wait, she wasn't talking yet. Of course. "Sorry.." He shook his head slowly. "Thought I heard something." His eyes opened to find her with a soft laugh, playing it off. He was fine, really. Just being a little weird, was all. Maybe tired. No big deal.
"Anyway. I hope this is okay. That we aren't walking more?" They walked a lot. It was, for the most part, the main thing they could do here on their new island. "Kinda just wanna chill for a little bit. That won't be too boring, will it? We can still... Or well." He could still talk, maybe. He sighed and pulled her in close. They could rest. And cuddle. And not do things like what he'd done before.
He guessed he still thought about it sometimes.
"If you think of any games you want to play, though.." Oh, that was bad timing. That wasn't what he meant. It was fine. She couldn't hear thoughts. He continued. "We could. Just let me know." He wasn't sure what games they could play here in the shade, in the quiet, in the middle of the island. Oddly, the middle seemed to be the less occupied. But anyway.
"Mostly, I just kinda wanna hang out a little bit. We can find something more fun to do in a few minutes though."
I wish I could scrape away the dirt that's on my mind
While they were around other people, she mostly still hid in his mane, clinging tight to his hair and curling against his neck and closing her eyes ‘til they were alone again. But when it was just them, she was juuust starting to slip back into her normal shape and snuggle up as they walked again. It was a little easier after trying it with Mom, when she’d so badly wanted cuddles like when she’d been little, all curled up tight against Mom’s side. And then Mom’d coaxed her into wandering for a while, and it had helped in a so-quiet way, giving her something to focus on other than the loud, echoing numbness in her head.
Her head drooped as she walked beside her Khari; it had felt so heavy lately, and the effort to stand tall rarely felt worth it. She rubbed her cheek against Khari’s shoulder and let out a quiet little sigh. He slowed, found them a place to curl up, and she nodded and settled beside him, tucking herself up against him and snuggling as close as she could get, her cheek resting against his neck.
Sure, she agreed, closing her eyes and rubbing her cheek against him just a little more. Whatever you want. He was unusually quiet, but she didn’t think much of it ‘til he asked her what she’d said. She lifted her head and turned to look at him, expression gently puzzled. He tried to play it off, but it made her look closer, notice the ache in his eyes, the weariness there.
It’s fine. This is cozy. Nice. She pressed a little closer as he pulled her in, snuck a little nuzzle to his cheek in the hopes of reassuring him. Cozy and quiet and alone sounded perfect, and she was happy to just curl up with him and be for a while. I like it. She wasn’t really much of one for playing these days, but she was alwayyys ready to cuddle with her Khari.
Just hold me, maybe? she asked softly, and brushed the side of her nose against his neck. Tucked up against him and wrapped up in his embrace, blanketed by his wing and bathing in the scent of him, still smelling like home even though their home had changed, it sounded perfect. He was home.
He nodded. Good. She didn't mind. That was good. He still felt bad they weren't doing something more fun, but at least they'd get some good cuddle time in. A part of him still wished they were better, that he could-- or, well..
Just hold me, maybe?
He nodded again and did so, curling up with her and settling his wing over them. His chin laid across her neck as he pulled her in close, felt her heat all against him and smelled her scent all around him. He loved when she thought of him as home. Like no matter what happened or where they went, she'd still love him, still want to be here with him.
Damn, this headache though. With a sigh, he uncurled from her some, laying out on his side and closing his eyes. His wing lifted from her for a moment, stretching long and tight and straight up, feeling warmth spread into the little tendons and knuckles. Then he gently eased it back down over them, tucking it around her to hug her to him with a soft hum.
He loved holding her.
"Just for a bit, beautiful," he murmured, stirring the dirt near his mouth. "A nap maybe. Not all that tired, but, just a rest." Surely, the pain would subside after a while. He was starting to enjoy nighttime better, when everyone drifted to sleep and he only heard thoughts from the ones that dreamed. Yeah, night would get better. Just a few more hours. He could do that. No problem.
I wish I could scrape away the dirt that's on my mind
Her sweet Khari. She nodded too and let him pull her in, melting against him with a cozy sigh. Wiggled just a little to snuggle extra close, drape herself over him just so, press a soft little kiss to the side of his neck. She loved the feel of his wing tucked around her, like he was wrapping her up in his love. Like he could chase away all the bad and the hurt and keep her safe with the touch of soft feathers and the way he held her to him even when he was sprawled out on the ground like that.
She even managed a little smile for him, even if his eyes were closed. Didn’t matter if he couldn’t see it, he’d hear her think it, and knowing that made her heart just a little lighter.
As long as you need, she answered him, letting her nose brush along the side of his neck. Had another headache, didn’t he? He didn’t like to tell her, but she could see it in the way he squeezed his eyes shut, in the hint of a wince, knew from how he picked the shade when he was normally so drawn to sun and light and warmth.
Do you need to be farther away? We could...we could try out on the ocean, if maybe it’s safe? She wasn’t sure if the plague could find them out on the water. There was still a tiny part of her that was afraid to be out on the water again, caught flashes of memory from Taiga at the thought, enchanted water flooding her nose and mouth, stealing the breath from her lungs--but the water was theirs, held them up on its shining, gleaming surface the way it did for so few. Shy of the gods themselves making another appearance, it should be safe enough. At least from magical water torture.
Okay, so the thought still made her curl tighter against her Khari and shudder. But she’d do it for him. If he thought it would help. She stroked his hair and nuzzled the side of his neck again, giving him a moment to think it over.
It felt so good to listen to her think about how much she enjoys this, being curled up with him and having his wing around her. He pulled her in tighter for a hug, humming softly at her nose brushing over his neck. She felt so good. She always had. It was nice to feel her again, just the two of them here.
She understood he was hurting, too.
Do you need to be farther away? We could... we could try out on the ocean, if maybe it's safe?
He lay still, considering it with half a heart and not really feeling any desire to be out on the water. They'd played out there once. So long ago. And the memories of what she went through made her shudder and press in tighter to him. So, no. They would stay where they were. He could handle it.
His lips pressed softly to her shoulder as he sat up a little and curled around her. Here is fine, Kali. I'm okay. His white hair spilled over his face as he swept his breath over her, tracing that curve of muscle in her neck and following it to just below her ear where he left a tender kiss.
"I miss you," he said aloud in a murmur. Missed her voice, missed her happiness, missed her joy. Missed that dazzling light in her eyes when she'd smile up at him so brightly. Missed everything about her that the world took away.
I hope you're starting to feel a little better.
I wish I could scrape away the dirt that's on my mind
12-11-2018, 02:09 AM (This post was last modified: 12-19-2018, 03:04 PM by Kali.)
Kali sighed softly and angled her head to let him reach her neck better, trace his lips along it and sneak a kiss just below her ear. It felt so cozy and right, and she nuzzled him back, pressing a soft kiss to the side of his face just beyond his mouth. Her Khari.
I miss you too. Miss how things used to be. Before…She trailed off with a little shudder, not quite finishing the thought, or at least not so directly. Before Taiga and terror and trauma had shoved her so deep inside herself he'd barely been able to coax her back out. Before life had struck them again, sent her skittering right back into the dark recesses of her mind she'd barely begun to come back to him from.
She missed light in their eyes and smiles on their lips, unburdened hearts and cozy contentment. And more. She missed excitement, missed the way she used to buzz with delight and energy, the way sometimes when he touched her it set her nerve endings on fire, made electricity tingle and shimmer beneath her skin.
She missed feeling alive.
I'm starting to. I think, at least, she answered, and snuggled a little closer, nestling against him, shifting a little restlessly. You're helping with that. A lot. She brushed her lips against the line of his jaw, chased the touch with the softest touch of her nose. He and Momma and Daddy had been so patient with her, letting her struggle to process everything in her own time. Thank you for being so patient.
He nodded in understanding. They both missed everything before the Taiga Apocalypse. Each thing after it only seemed to make things worse on their family. Even now, he still hadn't found any more information on Uncle Ru. He might be dead.
I'm starting to. Feel better. I think, at least.
She settled in closer, her lips wandering over his jaw in a way that made his heart want to race. Almost. You're helping with that. A lot. Thank you for being so patient. His wing tightened around her briefly. He wasn't sure he was helping much, but he supposed the patient part was more accurate. He wished there wasn't anything to wait for, though. He wished they could all be better again, happy again.
Anything for you.
Anything for their family. He couldn't wait until everything was as close to how it had been as they could possibly make it. He couldn't wait until his smiles weren't so forced and practiced. Until he could feel his heart race again, dazzle people with his brilliant smile and dancing grey eyes. It would be so nice to feel the heat of desire again like he could hear in Umbra's thoughts sometimes, feel wanted and see how his touch lights someone on fire for him. He took a deep breath and sighed it out slowly. Maybe one day.
I'm glad we're all here. Admittedly less so for Kylin's kids, but only because it was such a hard thing to accept. And he didn't really know them. Beautiful like their mom, at least. Runs in the family. He'd have gorgeous kids too one day. If he found anyone he wanted to have kids with. Sex was probably fine, more than fine, but kids? That was a big deal. That couldn't just happen with anyone. Just look at mom and dad. Neither of them had any kids with anyone else, except for their eldest sister. They weren't together, but they still belonged to each other somehow. In some way, at least. He didn't want different kids with different moms.
You ever think about kids, Kali?
I wish I could scrape away the dirt that's on my mind
Kali was so, so tired of the hollow, numb feeling that had settled so deep into her skin, made everything feel far-away and unimportant. She was sick to death of their dull eyes and quiet, aching sadness, of being scared all the time and feeling like nothing mattered. Because know what? They mattered. She did, and so did he, and she was done. She huffed out an impatient breath, and--huh? Oh. Kids? Like Tyr, or Kylie’s, or the other kids running around on the island? She shrugged. I dunno, not really. I guess I probably should. I used to wanna know everybody, but it’s felt so pointless lately. So...fleeting.
Maybe that was part of the problem. Everything felt futile, like any effort she put in could be erased in a heartbeat, any progress she made destroyed in the blink of an eye by the whims of gods or fairies or fate. Friends could get ripped away at any moment, so why bother making them? But she was so damn tired of that feeling, of that...powerlessness. She wanted to feel alive again. Needed it somewhere deep in her bones. And if she tried hard enough, she could almost feel the way he’d made her skin come alive with his touch, made her ache and shiver and gasp, made electricity course through her veins.
So she looked up at her Khari, reaching past memories of Taiga and destruction, past her pain and her fear and the all-consuming numbness that had swallowed her down so far. Khari? she asked, and suddenly it was a little hard to breathe, her heart skipping a beat of its steady rhythm, and then kicking up to a faster pace. You said...you said if I ever wanted… Her face flushed and she reached out to bump the top of her nose against his chin the way she used to, then turned the familiar motion into a shy little caress.
It felt so good when you touched me. I want to feel good again. Maybe we could…? She didn’t really know what, exactly, but he’d promised he could do more. If she ever wanted. If you want to, I mean. ‘cause maybe he didn’t, now that she was...so quiet and heavy and sad and she had that ugly seared spot that was still healing and naked and maybe he wouldn’t want to kiss her more. Which...would be okay too. She looked away, worrying at her lower lip, all that determination melting away. He’d wanted to kiss her before, wanted to touch her and show her things, wanted her.
What if he didn’t want her anymore, though?
I just don’t want to feel like this anymore, Khari. I miss us. Maybe we could try to make each other feel better? she asked, and pressed a soft, shy little kiss to the corner of his mouth. The fluttering in her belly was more nervous than excited, not knowing if he’d want to, or if he’d pull back and get quiet and not want--ugh she pulled back a little herself to look up at him, eyes wide and full of fragility they hadn’t held the last time he’d kissed her. Or...I mean...it’s okay if you don’t wanna.
It wasn't what he'd meant. He was asking whether she'd ever thought of having her own kids when his thoughts went to Kylin's and Mom and Dad, but she was too young to think about such things probably. So was he. It just popped into his head and out of his mind at her.
He didn't clarify and accepted her answer.
Sure. Like Kylin's kids and other kids on the island. People to play with.
Her thoughts slid a little darker, too aware of how fleeting everything in their lives had become. Why should they bother trying to make friends when tomorrow it could all be swallowed up by a plague or massacre or some other such tragedy. He hated that she felt that way, but he also couldn't blame her. Just look at their lives and how it had gone from a peaceful happy life... To this.
God damn, and his head was killing him.
He closed his eyes as he continued listening to her, trying to focus on her voice in his mind as if it could push away all the pain and ache. He'd focused so intently on the sound of it that he'd nearly stopped actually hearing what she was thinking until she reached out and spoke his name almost cautiously.
Khari? He opened his grey eyes, looking forward as he saw more than her words were saying, could see what she was thinking about, remembering. His pulse picked up nervously, but he turned his head to watch her without expression as she added more.
You said...you said if I ever wanted... She was finding it difficult to talk to him? Was she blushing now? His head tilted just slightly, curious and uncertain why she was remembering their time together that one special day. Special to him, anyway. She bumped her nose against his chin as she used to do, and his face softened a little, still waiting.
It felt so good when you touched me. I want to feel good again. Maybe we could...?
Oh. Oh, wow, okay. She wanted..? He didn't think she would, when for so long now she hadn't thought of it, had only been lost in her darkness and silence. Even now, she wasn't really talking, and he couldn't help but wonder if she ever would again. He'd given up hope that she'd have any more interest in him. He'd just be her brother, her guardian.
His eyes dropped to the ground, then slid away and he stayed quiet. She wanted to feel alive again and of course he'd always wished it would be him to make her feel that way. Always only him. It didn't really feel the same this time, though. It felt somehow less, as if he would only be a fun little distraction. At one time he might've been okay with that. Just a bit of fun. Maybe it was because of this damn headache beating his brain, but somehow that just didn't sound ideal.
I miss us too, he told her evenly, dull and hollow. They'd been so happy once, their blood thrilling at each other's touch. She was young, but old enough to feel the electricity that he'd found in her. He'd ached each night since for her to feel it again, think of him again, want him again, but there was only quiet and trauma.
He didn't want to feel like a meaningless distraction though, even if he knew he could never be more.
Maybe after I rest more, he offered a little breathlessly, giving himself more time to think about it even as her soft lips left a shy little kiss in the corner of his mouth. He wanted to turn to it, take them in a real kiss and press her beneath him again. The feathers on his wings bristled and shuddered with anticipation, remembering the way she'd squirmed against him and made it feel even better.
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, shielding her from the heat in them.
I don't want you to feel like this anymore either, Kali. How else can I help? he asked carefully, softly. Was he good for anything more? Even if he wasn't, of course he'd still fix this for her. Of course he would touch her and bring her back to life. She was everything.
He wouldn't do too much. Dad wouldn't have to know.
I wish I could scrape away the dirt that's on my mind
He looked away from her, and her face fell. Oh. Okay. He...maybe didn’t want--oh. She curled in on herself a little, barely fighting off the urge to shift into something small and hidey. That wasn’t the flicker of heat she remembered seeing in his eyes, or want in the way his voice echoed in her head. He just sounded sad when he said he missed how they used to be too. Maybe...she guessed she’d gotten kinda skinny, and she still had that ugly singe where the hair had just begun to grow back, and...maybe he didn’t want her anymore?
Maybe this sad, pathetic wreck of a girl she’d become wasn’t very...attractive.
Yeah, okay, she answered, her heart aching at the way maybe kinda felt like oh um no thanks. Especially when he asked if there were anything else he could do to help her. Okay. It was okay. He didn’t wanna kiss her anymore, didn’t wanna touch her, no big deal, that definitely didn’t make her throat hurt or her eyes burn, and she for sure was not gonna cry.
Had she lost that too? She could bear losing home, losing Taiga, losing Uncle Ru, could bear the whole world falling apart and ending and changing, time warping and stealing them away, god, she could do it, even if she was barely holding on, but him? If she lost him too, she thought she might die, might just stop trying, stop making herself eat when everything tasted like ash in her mouth, stop making herself drink when every swallow felt like the water rising up to choke her and steal the breath from her lungs, might just lay down and die of a broken heart if she lost him too.
He was there, though, just...maybe just not how they used to be, all wild and free, eyes wide and hearts racing and--no, it was selfish to ask him to be like that with her when she wasn't like that anymore either. When she was...this.
She closed her eyes tight against the sudden welling up of tears, ducked her head to hide her face, so dumb, she was so dumb to think--shouldn’t have asked, she was too broken, all the joy and the light gone from her eyes and her smile, almost nothing left of her to want anymore, why would he? Sorry, she whispered so, so softly in her head. Sure. Just...just hold me? That was safe, right? It wasn’t asking him to do anything he didn’t already do. Just don’t let go?
Maybe you could sing to me? That would be nice too. Talking to him here in her head felt the best, always made her feel so safe and warm and wrapped up in love, just like when he held her under his wing. But he had the most beautiful voice, and hearing it out loud made her ears happy, made her heart lighter, made some of the tension melt out of her body. She could listen to him sing or talk or both, all day.
