"But the dream, the echo, slips from him as quickly as he had found it and as consciousness comes to him (a slap and not the gentle waves of oceanic tides), it dissolves entirely. His muscles relax as the cold claims him again, as the numbness sets in, and when his grey eyes open, there’s nothing but the faint after burn of a dream often trod and never remembered." --Brigade, written by Laura
Defy was still a little mad at Mom. He grumbled and stomped and huffed out pouty little silent snorts of irritation as they followed the River north toward the big dumb mountain in the distance, heading toward (but not going to) Pangea to see if Daddy had gone to play murder with the rest of the world while Defy got left out ‘cause Momma wouldn’t let him.
Ugh. She’d tricked him good, too, talked him sideways into agreeing he didn’t wanna kill somebody just ‘cause somebody told him to. ‘Course that wasn’t just why! He wanted to protect Momma and Daddy too. But she was a sneak and got him all tangled up and thinking NOT joining in was better.
So mean.
She made up for it though by letting him take them to go look for Daddy, and some other people she mentioned that he didn’t know. Something about an uncle and some sisters, whatever those were, he didn’t like the sound of them really but Momma seemed to think they were important or some shit. So. He guessed they could look for them too. Since she wanted to. ‘Cause he was basically the nicest and most considerate, even when she was being mean and not letting him murder or nothin’.
So anyhow they walked toward the big mountain, not ‘cause it was a safe space they could hide or nothin’, ‘cause they weren’t scaredy-hiders. Not ‘til they found Daddy, and Momma didn’t seem to think they’d be able to convince Daddy to hide out anyhow, so Defy wasn’t a hider neither. If Daddy wasn’t scared of no plague, neither was Defy.
He huffed out another silent little snort and stomped a couple of steps just for emphasis, spreading out his little baby chick wings like they were all feathered in and big and impressive already even though they weren’t. So dumb how long feathers took to grow. Momma kept tellin’ him they’d come in soon, but it kept being soon and no new feathers, and what if he was stuck with little chicken wings forever? Just little nubby winglets stickin’ out of his back never growin’ feathers and bein’ able to fly, just like...wiggle ‘em an’ point ‘em at shit and omg that would be so embarrassing!
He clamped them down against his sides and tucked them up small, ducking his head and sulking ‘til Momma brushed her nose against his hip and murmured, “Soon, baby, don’t you worry.” Ugh, she always knew, how’d she do that? He huffed and slowed enough to snuggle up against her side.
“You promise?” he asked, his voice just a little petulant and suspicious. ‘Cause maybe she was just talking him in circles again and they’d really never grow in.
“I promise,” she agreed with a little nod and another cozy snuggle. Well. Okay then. If he got snuggles out of it, maybe he could believe her for now. He sighed and rubbed his cheek against her shoulder. She really was the best mom, even if she didn’t let him kill people or have any fun.
He was weak. His blood boiled and his eyes burned. He felt like a damn furnace was shoved inside him, felt like Hell itself was trying to birth from his skeletal body. The Plague was killing him. Perhaps faster than it had so far effected others, attacking his body with a ferociousness only matched by the stubbornness in his black eyes. His jaw clenched and he pushed onward.
Of course Rhonen's disease would love him a little too much.
His body had already wrestled with it once before, and was now weakened against it.
That bastard.
He had to find Leliana.
She'd come this way, stumbling away from him. He hadn't even been able to call for her, his throat closed in pain and the fire inside him drying it out completely. But he had to find her. They had to stick together. He needed her safe.
It wasn't Leliana that he'd found though, as he dropped to his knees for the third time in the last hour. Or maybe it'd been longer. Or shorter. What did it matter? He sighed and sank lower. He wasn't getting up this time. He couldn't get up this time. Just a little rest, was all. Just a breather. Just needed a little rest for a minute. Then he'd get up again. He'd find her.
His cheek pressed to the cold earth, his head tilted awkwardly from the helmet of bone jutting out of his face and digging into the ground. Tears of blood leaked from his eyes, trailing like warpaint down his face. It wasn't until a little nose found him that he let out another breath, a weak cough. Followed by another one.
"Hi, baby," he rasped quietly. At least if he died now, he would have seen his only son once more.
Ah hell. Dizzy spotted him at the same time Defy did, lying on the ground looking on the verge of death. And somehow that was all that mattered. Her Dov, in need. She curled up beside him, wrapped herself around him like she’d done so long ago when she’d found him crying over some girl he’d loved and lost, back before she’d had any idea what that could feel like. She held him and crooned softly to him, wordless sounds of comfort as she nuzzled skin between plates of bone, cleaned some of the blood off him with gentle licks of her tongue.
“Hi, Daddy.” Defy’s voice was a little shaky, and he looked down at his daddy with wide, worried eyes. “You don’ look so good. You need a healer like Momma did?” Dizzy shuddered a little, not especially needing the reminder, but just kept on cleaning her Dov the best she could. No healer, and she didn’t know any other than the one who’d patched her up recently enough that her hair had just barely begun to grow back. No idea where to find the woman, and she only had a soft voice and a tiny flash of memory to go off of, nothing that could get her here to help.
So she did her best to keep him comfortable, because she sure as hell wasn’t leaving him alone. Defy fidgeted a little and then curled up and tucked himself against their chests, nuzzling his daddy and helping. She should’ve stopped him, should probably have made sure to keep him distant from the illness plaguing his daddy, but Dov seemed a little more relaxed with him there (or was she imagining it? Hard to say when he was so weak.) and Defy had his stubborn face on as he curled up with them.
She just nodded instead, nuzzling him gently and returning her attention to his daddy. Diz was hardly foolish enough to assume he’d just come down with a bad case of the flu, but they were in it now either way, and if they got sick they’d deal with it then. “Hush,” she murmured gently, expecting him to protest. “We’ve got you, baby.” Not much they could do to help, but it wouldn’t stop her trying.
The damned woman curled up next to him and he hadn't even the energy to protest and demand she get the hell away from him, take his boy and go far away from him. They were exposed now. He'd ruined them already. He shouldn't have tried to follow Leliana. It had probably been days since then for all he knew. Or weeks. He was such a lost cause.
"Hi, Daddy," his baby boy said. He peeked an eye open at him, that dark little face with worried eyes.
"Nah, baby." A pause, a few slow breaths. His chest filled, then he exhaled a rattling cough. Then filled again so gradually. "No healer. I'm good." And maybe he was. What did he know? Still, death would be fine too, really. No more pain, no more hurting everyone that mattered to him. No more ruining their lives and breaking their hearts, disappointing them.
How had he gone from a single woman to a whole family of people?
Zoryn's fault, probably. And Luster's.
"Just tired," he finally added and closed his eyes again. She felt so good pressed against him, and her touch was so damn gentle and sweet. Where the hell had she even learned to be like this? Zoryn's fault too, probably. That bastard.
And she even shushed him. His damn eyes wouldn't open or he would've given her a look for that. Sassy ass.
"We've got you, baby."
Well. Fine. When she put it that way. He was damn exhausted anyway, and dying alone probably would've sucked. He'd rather his baby wasn't here to watch it though. What if Defy died from this sickness? Dov would have to die with him, of course. He couldn't very well let his boy leave the world without him.
It wasn't like Atrani would ever notice he'd died, anyway.
She was still the poison in his heart, clinging to glass shards with a bloody fist. He could never let her go. His last piece of Cerva.
The blood from his eyes watered down with a tear, and he let out a long, shaky breath. "Go away," he was finally able to protest weakly, but it was useless. She'd never leave him here this way. Neither would that damn defiant boy either, he figured. Got that from his momma.
Dov lied through his teeth, saying he was just tired, and she kept slowly cleaning the blood off his skin and his armor, not bothering to disagree. Defy at least seemed to believe him, curling a little closer and fitting himself just right against their chests like of course Daddy was telling the truth. He was so adorably naive still, sass and stubbornness mixed with this wide-eyed innocence she hoped he’d hold onto longer than she’d managed to.
Her sweet boy.
She gave him a nuzzle and licked his forelock with a soft smile, doing her best to tame its unruly spike, and then went back to taking care of his daddy. Who stopped fussing when she told him to, bringing the tiniest, crooked little grin to one corner of her mouth. If he wasn’t careful, she’d think he liked it when she bossed him around. Might have to get in the habit of it. Not that he’d let her.
The thought was enough to fade the smile off her lips, but she just kept on tending to his wounds and cleaning old blood from his skin. Defy tilted his head, looking up at her, and then started to do the same, fussing over his daddy just like she was. “Yeah,” he echoed her. “We’ve got you, Daddy. You can sleep if you gotta, I’ll watch over you.”
Defy at least didn’t bother to answer his last little protest, just kept licking him, even licking the tear off his cheek. Diz on the other hand brought her lips up to his ear and crooned, “make me,” snapping her teeth shut on the air in a satisfying little click before going back to grooming his neck. He should know better by now. Maybe she’d have to remind him.
He groaned softly. Fuck. She of all people should know not to touch his bare skin, even in the state that he was in. Her goddamn licking and nurturing were tickling all his sensitive nerves, turning him on when he had no right nor energy to be fuckin turned on. This was by far the wrong place and the wrong time for it. He shifted a single leg, the only sense of restlessness his body could manage as his boy joined in.
"Yeah. We've got you, Daddy. You can sleep if you gotta, I'll watch over you."
But it was Dizzy's damn crooning taunt that had him finally opening his eyes to look up at her, a heat in his sharp eyes. That click of her teeth by his ear sent a shiver down his spine, just as she knew it would, and he growled, wanted to leave a sharp bite right there on her neck, right beside her throat.
"Get back, Defy," he told him quietly, his voice low and husky and his eyes pinned on Diz. She was starting something he couldn't possibly finish even if he'd wanted to. But above all else, he really fuckin needed his baby to stop touching him. She knew what it did to him.
He shifted and tried to roll himself to sit up. He needed to stand. He needed to leave. He still had so much more to do.
"I have to go," he whispered, his eyes down as he struggled to right himself. He always had to go. She'd learn to hate him so soon, he was sure. He always had to go. Zoryn should be with her soon though. God, but his baby. His longing for more time with him passed in an ache buried in his eyes. Fuck, if Defy had been old enough to leave Dizzy's side, not need to nurse so often, he'd try to take him with, maybe. Possibly. Or not today, but another time. He needed more time with him.
He reached out and nuzzled that little cheek, brushed over his dark little nose.
He really fuckin hated leaving.
Dizzy couldn’t help but smirk a little as he reacted to her gentle touch. Honest, she was just trying to take care of him, but it made her feel damn good how prickly hot and restless it made him. Made her feel like maybe she wasn’t quite as fucking broken as she felt these days, if he could still look at her with a flash of hunger in those dark eyes.
Defy shifted his weight a little closer to her, as close to obeying as he got, and Dizzy tugged him into the lap made by her front legs, tucked him up against her chest so he could still peek up at his daddy but wasn’t touching quite so much. Wasn’t copying her in licking the blood off him.
Still, she wasn’t about to let his daddy get away that easy. “Mhm,” she agreed, and tugged him closer just the same, pulling him back against her. “And you will, in a minute. Won’t kill you to close your eyes and get a little rest with your boy first, though.” He was so damn weak, he needed a damn break. Plus it was too fuckin’ cute the way he brushed his muzzle against Defy’s cheek, his tiny little nose. So.
“Look how tired he is,” she said, and Defy frowned up at her like she was crazy.
She gave him a pointed look, and he just stared at her a moment longer. She raised her brows and glanced at his daddy, tilted her head his way juuust so, and waited for him to work through it. Didn’t take long before a soft little “oh!” snuck out and he grinned at her and yawned the biggest, fakest yawn she’d ever seen.
Atta boy.
“See? So tired. I’ve had an awfully hard time getting him to sleep lately, but I bet if you curled up with us and fussed over him a little more just like that, he’d fall fast asleep.” And maybe he wouldn’t be the only one, given how damn worn out Dov looked. She wouldn’t mind the chance to fuss over both of them, too.
He was weak. She tugged him against her after tucking their boy in and he fell against her with very little fight. Then his muslces relaxed completely and he went limp with a sigh. She was a stubborn ass. But he didn't really want to miss out on time with his baby anyway.
There was just so much he still needed to do.
What if Leliana was in danger again?
Where had she gone?
"Look how tired he is," she said, and honestly, for a second he thought she meant him. He was damn tired. But he had to get up, had shit to do. Had to find Leliana. Had to find Heartfire. Where the hell was Zoryn? He should be here with them while Dov is gone.
He didn't even see Defy's little fake-ass yawn. Just stretched his head closer to his boy and nuzzled against him wherever he could reach. "I love you, boy," he murmured. His boy. His only baby boy. So beautiful and perfect and impossible. And his. "You better take care of your momma while I'm away." He left a soft kiss on him and sighed softly.
"You gonna be big and brave for me? 'Til I can come back to you again? Keep your momma safe?" Far safer than she had been. His uncle Zoryn better damn well help. God, he missed Zor too. He never should've gotten attached to either of them. Or any of them. But Zor would keep them safe.
He turned his head and looked up at Diz with tired, red eyes. "I need you to go to a safe place. Not the cold one. Any other." God, he needed them safe. If he hadn't gotten them sick already. He didn't want them sick. "Please. I'll find you."
Defy snuggled up and nuzzled his daddy right back, murmured a soft little, “love you too, Daddy.” Beamed up at him and nodded. “I take the best care of Momma,” he agreed, reaching up to brush his nose against the underside of her chin. Ohhh and there were kisses back, one from Daddy that earned him the beamiest, dopiest smile back, and one from Momma on his forehead.
“You gonna be big and brave for me?” Daddy asked, “‘Til I can come back to you again? Keep your momma safe?”
Defy nodded again, puffing up his chest. “Yeah! I’m gettin’ real big, see?” he asked, spreading out his wings and showing off their um totally bigger than the exact same size he was last time ness, growin’ up so big and strong and such a good protector. “And I do a good job lookin’ out for Momma, too! Nobody dares try an’ mess with her while I’m around!”
Him and Momma against the world, he thought, grinning up at her and sneaking another nuzzle to the bottom of her chin, getting all melty happy when she nuzzled him back and lipped at his mane and played with his ears. Huffed out a sassy little laugh and flicked them, making them harder to catch, and then nestled into her lap a little cozier and rested his head against her chest while Momma and Daddy talked about things.
He reeeached one front foot out to rest on Daddy too though, ‘cause anytime Daddy was there with them was the very best time, and he craved the contact. Would’ve curled up in Daddy’s lap instead given the choice, but oh well. Maybe when Daddy was feeling a little better!
