She flickers an eyelash, snowflakes clinging to it, and suddenly she shudders as she realizes how cold it is. Svedka barely moves, but even his body heat seems lesser now that he’s giving it to her (or so she feels), but even if she feels a little guilty for keeping him here and possibly sour his mood with the story that she’s started to tell him, she cannot move away any more. She cannot stop.
”Thank you.” Barely a whisper. She’s no longer pretending she is okay indeed, like she did when she met with Baltas the night of his arrival, upholding a mask that was simply welcoming him to his new home and trying far too hard not to think of... she softly shakes her head in thought. Where was she? Telling of her hopes for her future. Ah.
She smiles into the golden hairs that cover up Svedka’s skin. A pretty colour, he’s the sunshine where she is the moonlight, even if little white clouds cover some if it. He tells her not to let go of her dreams, and she wants to believe. And maybe in the future she will again. For now, she has been flung into a deep Abyss where dreams were all replaced with nightmares. But the sunshine coming from above is bright enough to guide her now, clouds blown away, if only she has the strength to climb.
Svedka is moving so slowly, she barely notices at first. Then when she does, she doesn’t really mind. Does it even matter now? Yet, the caresses are tender and warm, so it does matter - in a good way, something she hasn’t thought she would be able to feel for some time now. She moves her own head then, slowly - up, away from his shoulder to close the embrace which had been mostly one-way until then.
She needs him to known, then. But she also doesn’t want to scare him away because the warmth he is giving her is all she has. She does not even known from what intention her need rises, but she clings to the other like a mental lifeline. Focuses on the crisp mountain air, the wisteria and willow smells that cling to his musky scent, yes, it’s a male scent, no, it is different, they’re unalike and she can live with that. She can come to like it, even. Overwrite the memories of the other man.
”Svedka...” his name tastes alien, as if she’s never met him before, but she cannot stop to linger on her thoughts for long. ”I don’t think he ever saw me as a person, he was just using me. I fell for it... but when I said it was too soon since Tähti... he... “ But heck, she still cant find the words. She tenses a little more again, just thinking of how to say it. ”I don’t think... he didn’t want to... wait. To be together. He just-” forced himself on me. To plant the seed and be on his way. Like I’m just breeding ground, a hull, a milk-bag for his pleasure and his future offspring.
Again, she’s stuck, her mind trying to protect her from the horror by avoiding the topic altogether, and the last thought gets buried by the mountain snow.
And in that moment, she’s somehow more stressed about what he will say, or do, if he’ll be angry at the other man like Kag was. She’d felt it, but anger, wrath and repercussions would not undo the past, or the fact that she would still be having this baby. Most of all - she does want him to be her friend, to like her, to stay with her in this moment - and maybe the moment could last forever, because she has now idea how to move on from here otherwise.
I hope that you see right through my walls...
...put your arms around me, and I’m home
@[Svedka]