The reasons why are less than stellar.
(The reasons why he'd not sought out the sky-kissed boy in months after promising him a forever. The reason why he'd left the river with a full heart, but with a twisted stomach that clenched every time he looked back. The reason why there had never been one such as him in the past, whose eyes looked deeper into Nihlus than he had ever imagined possible, and a smile that caused goosebumps were none ever resided before. The reason why he neglected his love; his light; his libido. The reason why he'd fucked up.)
There'd not been anyone else. He couldn't even claim to be disloyal, couldn't use that as a scapegoat to explain away his absence. No, the dark stallion simply... felt, well, scared. Terrified. Bewildered and confused at every turn, smiling more than frowning but frowning every time he realized it: barely able to contain the butterflies that erupted at the thought of Nuage, but without the nets to catch and admire them.
The reason why? He was lovestruck. Completely and absolutely.
And the reason why he sought out Nuage tonight, months later, in the middle of summer, with the stars guiding his uneasy footsteps? He couldn't tell you. He couldn't even tell himself.
His stomach's in his throat as the familiar trees begin dotting the landscape, and he clipped his hoof on a log, stumbling. Get it together, Nih. He gritted his teeth against the voice, ears tipping back to brush his skull. With every step further, his heart rate increased, and before long the stallion hyperventilated, snorting with nearly every breath. He couldn't help it - the smell of Nuage pervaded his every other thought, and his body went off in reaction to the scent.
But then -- it wasn't just a memory, just a hallucination -- he was there -- his love --
"Nuage," he half-yelled half-choked, hooves scrambling to close the distance between them before the beautiful man could disappear from his sight, punish him for his absence. Nih reached for him desperately, not knowing what else to do - what else to say - but he stopped himself before their skin collided, his glowing eyes catching on the tears that welled within Nuage's eyes but refused to fall.
His stomach hit the lining of his barrel; sunk further than it ever had during these months. Imagining Nuage sad was one thing - seeing it, another completely.
"Nuage, I-I don't have any excuses except that - except that -" His ears tipped back, eyes dropping, voice far higher and more stumbly than what Nuage might expect of the typically suave and baritone stallion. Despite the warm weather, he shivered, hoping that the starlight would not be enough to expose his trembling figure. A thousand thoughts went through his head, most of them lies, most of them excuses that would lead to more sex and pain - but he pushed those words away, bit them off and shook his head, trying in vain to say the right thing.
"Except that I'm in love with you, and I've never - it's not - I'm..."
He picked up his gaze, begged with it for Nuage to understand.
"I'm scared, and I'm so sorry."
Nihlus
that's all I want
@[Nuage]