"But the dream, the echo, slips from him as quickly as he had found it and as consciousness comes to him (a slap and not the gentle waves of oceanic tides), it dissolves entirely. His muscles relax as the cold claims him again, as the numbness sets in, and when his grey eyes open, there’s nothing but the faint after burn of a dream often trod and never remembered." --Brigade, written by Laura
The stars have returned. I don’t remember exactly when, I just remember it was a terribly unlucky day. First, I lost my beautiful horn. Then, a sudden rain of burning rock had sent me scrambling for shelter. To be honest, the next little while is kind of a blur. I just remember hiding out in a cave in utter misery, trying my best to pretend the world didn’t exist. I mean, it kinda worked. A few others stumbled on me, but they left really fast after I accidentally pelted them with a few stars.
They were little ones, so like, maybe not as bad? Ok, it was bad, but sometimes I need to pretend things are better than they really are. Otherwise I might have jumped of a cliff a long time ago.
The only reason I didn’t is because I managed to figure out how to control them. A little bit. Just enough that I’m not starting fires all the time anymore. Only when I get super emotional. Or depressed. So it’s just easier to shove all those feelings deep inside and pretend they don’t exist. I’m even getting pretty good at it now.
It also kinda helps that I’d found a nice bit of rocky coast to live. Harder to start fires without a bunch of grass and lots of water around. Safer too, I suppose. And then when things get a little too bad, I just go for a swim. Once I got so far out I wasn’t sure if I was actually gonna make it back. Wouldn’t have been the worst thing in the world. I mean, not like there’s anyone to miss me out there anymore.
It’s probably safer that I’m alone anyway. I don’t think I could take it if I accidentally hurt someone I care about.
But that’s enough depressing thoughts for one day. Maybe time for a swim? With a sigh, I amble towards the stony beach, idly kicking rocks as I walk by. I keep walking until the water reaches my knees. Then, with a grunt, I plop my large, brawny frame right into the salty waters. The waves lap against me, darkening the bright red of my coat to a deep mahogany. The water is cold, even in the summer, but I’m used to it. Better than the heat anyhow. Just means I’m not throwing flaming rocks around on accident.
I watch the city burn, these dreams like ashes float away...
Life had not been kind to Lilitha, but she had learned from a young age not to expect kindness in this world. When the gods themselves mocked their people’s pain, stripped away home and family and love in equal measure, stole pieces of a person’s soul just to make a point, a young girl quickly learned kindness was not woven into the fabric of this world, or written in the stars that shone cold and distant in the sky.
No, life had hardened the soft edges of her face, carved planes of muscle from once-soft curves, and left the story of the gods’ cruelty branded and gouged into her skin. Scars marred her back where wings had once been, great jagged wounds where they’d burned away into nothing as the fire that had once been her only friend was returned to her in an act of violence her young mind could never have conceived of.
Old burn scars marred her dark chest, and a claw mark dragged down her face, starting on her forehead and cutting down through her eye and all the way to her jaw, a gift of one of Carnage’s Taiga-devouring beasts. It had taken months to regain the vision in that eye, and to heal from the wounds of that terrible day.
Her hide was still dotted with little pock-marks and slashes where claws had sunk in and grasped her and tried to drag her under the rising floodwaters while she fought to find any trace of the wolf man who had taken her in when no one else had, who had made her heart ache with longing for the brief tastes of family and home he’d given her.
She should have known better. But every time, her traitorous heart tripped and fell and hoped again. And the second she did, disaster inevitably struck. It was almost laughable; other people were so casually happy, so easy and comfortable with the belief that the world was safe, that things would go right, that there was some force watching over them that might let them fall but would ultimately pick them back up again and help them to rise.
Her, though? Life seemed to tangle up around her very existence, little knots and threads putting tension in the web and pulling threads and lines of fate away, just enough to keep her isolated, tearing away every chance at forging a strong and lasting connection.
When the world itself had rebelled, spewing lava and calling the sea to flood out the residents of the only land she’d ever tried to call home, when she’d finally let the monsters that had overtaken their land chase her out through the hole she’d burned in the invaders’ magic wall, she had returned to the forest, the land of her perpetual banishment. She’d roamed the vast and relatively empty woods, letting her body heal slowly from the damage she’d taken, and at least trying to let her heart do the same.
It was so much easier to let it harden, though, to embrace the truth that breaking was its only talent. A year came and went, and Taiga once again became habitable. And out of stubborn pride, she’d ventured back into Taiga’s haunted forests, hiding in the mist and the shadows and searching for clues of Ruan’s fate. If he had survived, he’d find his way back to Taiga.
Someday.
Years came and went, and eventually she had to cede the truth: her strange wolf was gone. Still, whether in his memory or in defiance of the fairies who had banished her from these lands to begin with, she kept quiet watch over the forest, not interfering in the activities of others who chose to wander these dark and haunted woods. Until one day she wandered closer to the coast than usual and caught a familiar scent in the air.
“Moment?” she asked softly, brow furrowing as she breathed in the scent again. It was definitely him - she could smell the faint burn of falling stars in his scent, and she followed it to the edge of the water. “Come out,” she called as her golden eyes settled on his form slumped in the water. “It’s too cold for a swim.”
Life is rarely kind, I have found. It seems happiness is reserved only for the very few, and I have never been lucky enough to be one of the few. Once I’d almost been happy. The closest I will probably every come. Back when it had just been Litha and I, for those few precious weeks, until life had drawn us apart again. I had wanted to be a part of a family, back then. But I don’t think I am meant to be. And when the stars returned, I suppose my fate had been sealed. I could never risk hurting someone I love.
And so I had stayed away. It’s probably better this way anyway. She’d had more than just me to turn to anyway.
But those are old memories. Ever since then, I have avoided getting close to anyone. It’s lonely sometimes, but better to live with loneliness than to live with the guilt my curse would always bring when I’m around others.
The water is cold against my skin, numbingly so, but I’ve come to rather enjoy the sensation. For at least a brief period of time, I can live knowing those burning stars will not cause harm. But a sound distracts me from my reverie, drawing my attention to the shore. To a figure both familiar and foreign.
Lilitha.
The sight of her sends my heart leaping in my chest, an old reaction to my best (and truthfully only) friend. She’s changed since I last saw her, still beautiful in her black and fiery red. But she has lived, scars visible even from here on her dark skin. I too have changed, though not as much. A few pock-marks on my back and haunches from poorly aimed stars, and perhaps I am a bit bigger, a bit burlier. But still the same bright bay and startling teal eyes. We both have lived, I think.
I missed her so much though, even though I’m the reason we haven’t seen each other in so long. I’d been the one to leave, after all. Even after I promised her I wouldn’t. But she didn’t know how much my curse could hurt her. A heavy sadness settles, bring with it a brief rain of blazing rocks. I flinch as they plink about me into the water, sizzling as the flaming stones splash into the cool liquid.
I should send her away, keep her safe. But a selfish part of me wants to give her at least one hug first. I’ve been so isolated, but I’m still just a horse in the end. I still crave contact. But just one hug, and then I had to tell her she’d be safest far away from me.
Pulling myself to my feet, I fix my eyes on her, a bit uncertainly. The water sluices from my skin, the air almost warm compared to the chill of the waves. My abundant white feathers are plastered against my legs, the water flattening my thickening coat so that the heavy lines of my muscled bulk are visible. It makes me a little self-conscious, but the coast is not an easy place to live. I had already been large, but my daily treks across stony beaches and navigating rocky cliffs had added bulk to my frame and the sparse vegetation that I now thrive on meant I had lost any angles softened by fat. Now I am all hard edges and sharp corners. Not the same boy she had grown to know so long ago.
I step closer, the water sloshing with my steps. I don’t answer her right away, a bit at a loss for words. When finally I have drawn close enough that the waves barely nip at my heels, I whisper her name, an ache in the soft word. “Lilitha.”
I swallow then, staring at her hard for a long moment. I try a faint smile, but it feels a bit strained on my face. I guess I can’t smile as easily as I used to. “I’m used to it,” I finally say, a belated response to her admonition.
I watch the city burn, these dreams like ashes float away...
He looked anything but thrilled to see her. Hell, he practically drooped, looking even more dejected when he saw her, if that were possible. She drew back just a touch, withdrawing into herself and readying herself for more of the same old story. I’m sorry I left, I had...important things to attend to. Kingdom matters, taking care of someone, protecting someone. Any excuse to leave her behind.
She was good and used to it though, being the one left behind. Hadn’t realized how much it had hurt when he vanished until she saw that look on his face. That brief flash of guilt and the sad little hunching of his shoulders and ducking of his head as shooting stars rained down around him. She knew that look, the way his eyes flickered with unspoken I’m sorry I left you, I couldn’t help it, it was necessary, I...it’s not you…
She’d heard it all before. Time and again from Romek, so she shouldn’t be surprised. Still, her face fell just a little, her smile dimming, her face hardening back into the steely mask she’d become so accustomed to these last years. He rose and started her way, if reluctantly.
As he came toward her, she let her eyes roam his body, hard planes of muscle like hers, none of the softness of their younger years. He was marked by life too, his own scars dotting his back and haunches, not nearly so many as hers but telling stories nonetheless. Stories they could have shared, if he’d wanted. If he’d let them. But there was no sense dwelling on ifs.
There never had been.
The quiet ache in his voice as he spoke her name softened her sharp edges a little, eased the tension that had begun to stiffen her spine and wall off her still too damn breakable heart. “Moment,” she murmured softly, and her traitorous smile came right back for him, spreading across her lips, lighting her eyes. “Yeah, well I’m not,” she chided gently, and closed the distance to pull him into a hug. “It’s good to see you, old friend.”
I should apologize of course. It’s my fault, after all. But I can’t. I can’t be sorry for doing something to protect her, no matter how much it had broken my heart. Because, you see, we’d grown to know each other so well. And she would’ve stayed. She would’ve let herself be pelted and burned over and over again just so I didn’t have to feel lonely. And I couldn’t do that to her. I’d tried to explain once, but I don’t think I’d done a very good job. It’s hard to explain the true horror until you’ve burned down a forest on accident, and could only watch while the flames ate everything they could.
I worry one day I might kill someone with it. Sometimes, the rocks aren’t little. Sometimes they’re big. Huge. Enough to kill a horse, even one the size I am. And that scares me. I couldn’t imagine killing another horse, even if it was only an accident.
But Litha, she’d always been so fearless. She wouldn’t have cared one bit. She would’ve stayed. And I couldn’t do that to her.
My smile eases a bit when her eyes light, that lovely smile of hers curving her dark lips. Even after all this time, she still treats me like I matter. Like we’ve been friends forever, like it hasn’t been years since we’d last spoken. I meet her in the hug, pressing close as I close my eyes, breathing in her scent. It’s still familiar, smoke and fire and something uniquely her. I hold her close, enjoying the moment as long as I can. Who knows when it might come again.
“I missed you,” I whisper, rubbing my lips gently, comfortingly, along the ridged scar marking where a wing had once been. “So much.” The last is almost inaudible, my voice thick with emotion. I shouldn’t have said it, but it’s true.
I could never lie to her.
Another shower of rocks distracts me, causing me to jerk sharply away. To put a little distance between us. I knew better, of course. Seeing her has brought back so many old emotions. And the rocks always come when my emotions are high. The only time I can never control them, even a little bit.
I watch the city burn, these dreams like ashes float away...
She’d forgotten. It had been years since anyone had touched her; she’d forgotten the way it could wash over you, warm you up inside, make everything feel...better. If only for a moment. She sighed and hugged him tighter, held him longer, breathing him in and savoring the feeling of belonging, knowing it would be all too brief. She tucked it away, stored it up for the day he’d leave again and she’d be all alone.
Or maybe she’d only have a moment before he slipped away this time, not days or weeks of remembering what it could feel like before it was all gone again. It was in his name, wasn’t it? They were together for such brief, fleeting moments, flashes of togetherness shining in the dark and then fading into memories as soon as he was gone. Maybe a moment was all she’d ever have.
His lips traced the scar along her back, and she drew in a shaky breath, not quite a gasp, as a delicious shiver ran through her. Oh… She pressed a little closer, dragged her lips gently along his spine, and murmured, “I missed you too, Mo.”
But he was gone again, pulling just out of reach as fiery little rocks rained down around them. Lilitha snuffed out any stray sparks with a thought, going quiet, withdrawing a little too. “It’s good to see you,” she said softly, a tinge of sadness coloring her voice. “It’s been too long.” She ducked her head, gaze on the ground, letting silence stretch out between them until she peeked up at him again. “You’ve been well, I hope?”
My skin shivers with the memory of her lips on my spine. It had surprised me, the way that felt. But maybe it shouldn’t. It had always only ever been her, even if I could never tell her. It had been hard enough leaving her last time. I don’t know if I could do it again, not if she knew how I truly felt. So I bury it deep inside, pretend I never even noticed that little touch. It had been barely anything anyway. She might not have even known she was doing it.
We are friends, just friends. Anything else would be too dangerous.
I stared at her hard, throat dry as I try to focus on what she is saying. It has been too long since I’ve been around anyone else. It’s so easy to forget myself. And with her, even easier. She has always had this way about her. A way to make me forget what I am and wish so hard for what I (we) could be. But it’s impossible, I know that. If only my foolish heart would listen too.
The rain of rocks barely seems to bother her, but that had been a little one. They could get worse. So much worse. I never want her to see that. It’s been a long time now, but I’ve become so much better at controlling myself. But I still remember that fire. I remember how much I’d been missing her, how much I’d been hating my life. All of it had been too much. I’d even considering finding her. But the rocks had just rained down on me, endless it seemed like. I’d tried to put the fires out when I realized what I’d done. Tried to make it right. But by morning half the forest had been gone.
That’s when I knew I could never go back.
She ducks her head, crimson locks falling in a little cascade over her features. I swallow at that, trying to wet my dry throat. I almost miss her words, but I rally my attention. There is a sadness in her voice, and it tugs at me. My fault. All my fault. I could never tell her how much I’d wanted to see her these last years.
I smile a little bit then, but the strain has returned. I could never lie to her, but I couldn’t tell her how miserable I’ve been either. No matter how much I want to just pull her close and let her ease all of my loneliness with her presence alone. We didn’t even have to talk, just her being here is enough.
“I’m… surviving,” I finally say, not sure what else to tell her. Clearing my throat, I shift my teal eyes briefly to the forest a little ways in the distance. I continue then, quickly changing the subject for fear she would try to probe too deeply into my non-answer. “Is that… where you’ve been staying?”
What if it is though? She’s been so close this whole time. And yet she might as well have been a million miles away.
I watch the city burn, these dreams like ashes float away...
The distance between them ached, but Lilitha wasn’t sure how to close it. Wasn’t sure Mo wanted her to, not really, and that was maybe worse than missing him to begin with. He didn’t open up and tell her much about his life these last years, just two little words that would have to be enough. Once she might have pressed him, might have tried to coax more out of him than just survival. Maybe she would, in time. But for now she just nodded, letting his empty answer pass.
She turned to look over her shoulder at Taiga’s gorgeous woods, a land she’d been banned from for the first three years of her life, told by the fairies she didn’t deserve it after defending her adopted father from their sharpness, from their cruelty. As an infant. It still astounded her that anyone thought them benevolent, that anyone listened to their silken promises of safety and fled. Fear could make fools of even the mighty, she supposed. “Yes,” she said simply.
It didn’t feel like enough, though.
“Taiga is my home. It was always supposed to be, and I won’t let anyone tell me otherwise, fairies or gods or plagues, none of it. I’m doing my best to keep Taiga safe in these dark times.” And in this world, what times weren’t dark? “So if you ever want to find me, you know where to look.” She turned back to him with sad eyes, knowing the odds that he’d come looking were slim.
She should be used to it by now. Her whole life long, no one had stayed. No one had fought to keep her. She liked to tell herself she was her constant, the one who had her back no matter what. But it was fucking lonely sometimes, and looking into Moment’s lovely teal eyes made her heart ache for a time when they promised to be each other’s family in a world that did nothing but abandon them. They’d have each other.
It hadn’t lasted long, and she should have known better than to expect otherwise.
I stare at her so long, I think her face might be permanently etched into my memories. As if it hadn’t been already. But it would have to be enough, to remember her lovely face. I would never forgive myself if I hurt her. She’s always been so brave, so headstrong. She would never admit that I might be dangerous. Would never ever leave if I let myself stay. And she’s already been hurt so much. Those scars attest to it, and I couldn’t bear to add to it.
But the very thought of leaving her again breaks my heart. Shatters it into a million tiny pieces. I’m not sure I’ll be ok, but at least she would be. That’s all that matters, really.
Yes, she says, claiming Taiga as her home. The one she’d been banished from all those years ago. I smile at that, but it trembles on my lips. I’m so happy she finally made it home, but it aches to know it could never be my home too. It would never survive me. Maybe it wouldn’t happen right away, but eventually one of my stars would land in just the wrong spot. And Taiga would be eaten by flames. Just like had already happened once.
Her final comment brings a lump to my throat, and my smile slips. It seemed like a goodbye, and though I know it’s for the best, I can’t help but feel deflated. My whole body slumps just as a little as I drop my gaze to the rocks at my feet. “Yeah,” I say softly, the words struggling to come out past that knot in my throat.
My eyes fill with tears then, and I quickly turn away. I didn’t want her to see me cry. It would be better this way anyway. It had to be. Otherwise, what is the point? I barely notice the rocks that have begun to rain down, and really, they only serve as a reminder why this is for the best.
The tears begin to trickle down my cheeks, and with a gasped breath, I stumbled forward into a lope. My massive frame crashes into the waves as a veritable shower of flaming stones pour down around me endlessly, answering the wild emotions bubbling in my breast. Emotions I have tried so long to suppress. I knew it would have been too much seeing her. Knew I should never have. But I couldn’t seem to help myself.
Maybe it would be better if I let the current carry me away this time. I could never hurt anyone ever again then.
I watch the city burn, these dreams like ashes float away...
Yeah. One little word that told her all she needed to know. He wouldn’t come looking for her, not even knowing she was so close. She closed her eyes against the pain that washed through her, missing the way his lovely teal eyes started to tear up. She heard him turning away though, heard the falling of rocks and the sharp gasp as he left her again.
Maybe she wouldn’t have looked, if it hadn’t been for the sharp strike of a falling star to her hip that made her gasp too, sucking in a breath between clenched teeth as her eyes flew open and she jolted forward out of the path of more meteorites raining down on them. The shower of falling stars followed him toward the water, but so did she; at least they could make themselves smaller targets, sinking into the water and leaving only their heads and the tops of their necks as potential strike zones.
“Is this why you were out here?” she asked, gasping against the cold and shivering as it sank past her coat and into her skin. God, the water was icy, and being submerged up to her neck sounded like the worst idea, right until another meteorite came crashing down nearby, plopping into the water and sending it splashing her in the face. She snorted and shook her head, sending water spraying off her mane and forelock. Still seemed better than taking it to the face, that was for sure.
