I can get there on my own. you can leave me here alone.
They have been here before.
They have seen this glimpse of peace.
He is not certain he’s at all qualified to maintain it. Because he does not know how to handle her in a way that will stop her from breaking apart. He does not know how to say the right things or behave the right way. His being happy to hear about a daughter he’d been unaware of had been enough to send them spiraling into some oblivion he isn’t certain they’ve fully clawed their way out of. Because there is still a significant amount of space between them and he’s not certain if that’s his fault or hers. Or if there’s even any real sense in placing blame at all.
For the moment, he simply stands there and he revels in the glimpse of the smile that she’d offered in response to his teasing. Maybe this time he will allow himself to truly believe that they can find some sense of equilibrium. That she can somehow look at him and not feel compelled to rage against his indifference.
He loves her, certainly. But he’d told her from the beginning that he’d never be able to love her the way she deserved to be loved. The way she needed to be loved. He would never know how to shower her with affection or hold her close or kiss her head and whisper soothing nothings in her ear when the darkness started to become too much.
He has failed her and he will continue to fail her. He suspects that they both know it. But, for the moment, it is enough simply to close up the negative space between them and touch his mouth to her temple. She is thin, this is not lost on him, and he has no choice but to take the blame on his own shoulders. He has done this to her. He will undoubtedly continue to do this to her.
He knows in his heart of hearts that they will continue to destroy each other but he kisses her head and he sighs into her skin. “I love you,” he murmurs into her cheek and then pulls away just enough to say, clearly, “you have to believe that.”
BETHLEHEM
I'm just tryin' to do what's right. oh, a man ain't a man unless he's fought the fight.
