the firestarters always get the burns
and the good guys never get the girl
We're so similar, and so different.
I'm not sure why I'm drawn back here, by rumours that I shouldn't have cared about other than hoping to establish a new alliance with Loess, perhaps ask Lie on my way back if he wanted to go home or stay. I should have done so when Vulgaris was king, but then he somehow had gotten it in his head to pull al healers to this place and keep them, and I wasn't certain if I should even approach. I don't know when that plan backfired on him or how, but I know that it did.
Perhaps I have more hopes for Cas than I ever did for Vul? No, that's not fair to either of them. The grey man so badly wanted a friend; the tobiano needs one even if he thinks he doesn't want me to be his friend. I can see it in the way he avoids my gaze, in the way he is instantly reminded of something he did wrong in the past. But I did wrong, too. Several things. I can only hope not to repeat any past mistakes, and it's that, perhaps, that I want for him as well. To learn.
But the way he talks to me, bites off his words, makes me lose my posture for a fraction of a heartbeat. My ears are reflexively pulled back as his words, go on then, as if I'd come here to whip him and condemn him. In the blink of an eye, while he continues with you go first, I'm back to my neutral face, and I wonder if he'd missed it altogether in his own tenseness.
I wait a while before I challenge him again. Search his features slightly more openly than before, wondering what has happened to him to figuratively want to bite my head off, but I can't find it, can't fight it unless he lets me in. "You're not like this."
I know because he is the one telling me that two wrongs don't make one right. I know because told me he's a monster - I know he was always afraid to let the monster win, but that to fight would tear him apart. He's placid now, no longer fighting, but I don't know who won. Right now what I see, what I hear about, is someone accepting the monster part, but forgetting he is also still a man. Giving in too much, in my honest opinion.
But what I really don't get is why he's so on edge with me when I tell him I came to see him. I hadn't said I was here to rub it all in, and I'm still not planning on it. He's giving me every reason to be mad at him, but I don't want to.
Being mad never solved anything for me. And I'm pretty sure it didn't solve everything for him either.
@[Castile]