It kills him inside, to listen to Nuage's stuttered words without being able to immediately reassure him, to calm his nerves and kiss him until his hairs were raised for reasons that weren't anxiety and confusion. No, it more than kills him - a kind of conscious agony that only sinners are forced to endure, a living hell from which there is no escaping.
So no. He doesn't lower his voice when he sees the tears spilling down Nuage's porcelain cheeks. And no, he doesn't soften his gaze and invite the free and easy creature up from where he has him pinned in the middle of the bed. His hands don't release from where they tear at his own hair. And for the love of god, he doesn't let himself pretend like this is all okay - it'll never be okay. There aren't enough good deeds in the world to make up for Nihlus' transgressions.
But he doesn't need to do anything for Nuage to come to him. And perhaps that is what love is.
His cool hands, soft and thin, gently guide Nih's hands away from where they'd been worrying his skull. Nihlus' eyes are daggers at this intervention, at his sincerity, at his refusal to listen to reason; but the man is far too shattered to fight even the quietest of Nuage's arguments. Even the softest of his touches. His whole body trembles as Nu rests his hand gently on Nih's face, and a moment later, Nih is cupping that hand with his own, pressing it there more firmly, needing every drop of reassurance he could get as the tears finally fall from his bleary eyes. Under-his-breath sobs wrack his chest, but he is close enough now to hear Nuage's words.
You love me.
(I'll only hurt you.)
I love you.
(You're wrong if you think you can change me.)
And that is all the fucking matters.
(You're the only thing that has ever truly mattered to me. I wish you weren't.)
"Please baby," he whispered as Nuage's final words, more demanding than he's ever heard, fall on ears that do not heed their demand. Nihlus' hand is worrying at Nuage's on his cheek, fidgeting, running up and down each finger, softly pinching the loose folds of skin, doing anything to help release his nervous energy. His glowing blue eyes bounce around the floor, wanting only to meet with Nu's but feeling as if to get there would be harder than climbing any mountain.
"Will you just hold me?" Without warning his hands snake around the thinner man, under his arms so that Nihlus can burrow into him, tucking his wet eyes into the curve of the other's neck. "I'm so scared I'll hurt you." His arms grow tighter around Nuage, as if despite his knowing words, he will never let him out of his embrace again. "B-but I'll be yours if you'll have me, if y-you can stand the mess I am."
His head rises from Nu's shoulder, stopping just a hair's breadth from his lips. His eyes are confused, dazed, not knowing right from wrong. All he knows is that Nuage loves him - and he loves Nuage - and that's all that matters. That's all the fucking matters.
But it's up to the other man. He doesn't move in to kiss - giving Nuage a final chance to escape torment at the hands of a lover.
"I love you."
Nihlus
that's all I want
@[Nuage]