Lacey
It was so good to finally rest. Once the twins eventually fell asleep, she lay restless but still, her mind racing but body unmoving. Silent tears trickling as they tended to when she was alone, now with many reasons to. That’s what she was, alone. So very alone. Reilly’s absence.. Well, she was alone. Even more now. As she had been throughout her pregnancy. No, worse this time. Because Reilly had always been there since they were born. A constant presence. A comfort. A friend when she had no one. A friend.
She’d never had one of those. Not really.
So she’d given up on sleep. Given up on staring at the empty place where he usually lay. Even the children seemed abnormally subdued and quiet, neither one speaking to her much at all. Maybe they knew it was her fault that he was gone. But what was she supposed to do? Was it so wrong to want those things for herself? To unintentionally run into the very one that would give them to her and eagerly seek them out. Maybe mother was the only thing she should be now. Never lover. Never again. At least it had been so good while it lasted, though false as it was. A beautiful lie she told herself, that he could ever be more.
Thinking of it only brought the pain back. Only made her more restless, more empty and hollow and carved out. She eventually gave up on sleep, gave up on staring at that place wishing it weren’t bare. So she went looking for him, still dark out, not quite dawn. Found him and fell asleep near his side. It was so good to finally rest. She didn’t want to leave it even as a soft touch against her face had her brows pinching weakly in her sleep, then smoothing back out. Just wanted to sleep, needed this.
A breath -a touch?- barely felt, but there against her skin, trailing from below her ear, across her cheek, down to her nose. Her breath hitched with a silent gasp, her eyes flying open with pupils shrunk in fear looking straight ahead. Her heart raced, pounded so swiftly in her chest. A dream, just a dream. Just another one. ”Lace?” Her head twisted to look up at him, still a little wild, still uncertain. Reilly. It was just Reilly. It was Reilly. She blinked away the brief, silent panic, took in that pained look of regret in his handsome face. Oh. Right. Reilly..
”I’m sorry, dove. Really. I had no right to act that way..” She rolled to sit up as he glanced away from her, a knot forming in her chest, tangling and adding to the one already there. She wished they could just go on like it never happened. And he’d been mad at her, shouldn’t she be the one apologizing? But she wasn’t really sure for what. It didn’t help the aching tightness in her chest, the sting and burn of a nameless pain. ”What you do with your body is your business.”
She looked away too as it stabbed into her. Why would those words hurt? Weren’t they the truth? Yes, but there in her already-aching heart was the added pain, the anguish bleeding so slowly out of her. She tried to swallow it down, not to let it show. ”I just..” He sighed and pulled away, frustrated with himself, or maybe with her. This was hurting already, couldn’t they stop now? Just move on, pretend it never happened, pretend she never upset him and he never snapped and walked away. She just wanted everything to be alright again. Needed everything to be alright. She couldn’t take his unhappiness and his distance.
”You make me crazy, dove. I don’t know what to do with myself.” Still turned away, still not looking at her. Why couldn’t he look at her anymore? Was he so disgusted with her? Was it so wrong of her? A silent tear pooled in her eye, frustrated and hurting. Why couldn’t she have what everyone else could have? Why must she always be less. Why must she never be good enough. Pretty enough. Sweet enough. Right enough. She kept her eyes away from him despite that he wouldn’t look at her either.
”Do you think… I could ever make you happy?”
Her breath caught again as she stole a pained glance at him, brows furrowed. Happy? Her? What could possibly make her happy anymore? Why should that be his burden? It shouldn't. I... she breathed, could barely get air into her lungs anymore. How do you tell someone you couldn't hope for happiness without sounding as hopeless and pathetic as it was? No, they should talk about something else instead. Don't let him learn just how dark her thoughts are, the heavy hopelessness that weighs her heart to the ground and pulls the light from her eyes. He wasn't just going to let it go though, was he.
I am happy, she lied in a low murmur. The twins play, have light hearts and easy laughs. They're happy. Their happiness makes me happy. It was almost believable, because it was true to some extent. She did love to see them so carefree and full of joy, a much better life than she'd had at their age. What more could she ask for? Her eyes dimmed.
It was hard to sleep without you there, she admitted stiffly, forced it out like pulling her own damn teeth. It was true, of course. But now he would see more of her weakness, her vulnerability. Hadn't he seen far more of that than anyone ever should? She wasn't weak. She didn't need anybody. She never had. She finally got out of that stupid den as an orphan, finally was adopted after the loss of her mother and twin sister. Made her own way in life, always trying to be her own person, always fighting to appear an adult in everyone's eyes as she struck out on her own far too young to be alone. She was lucky nothing had happened to her sooner... But it made sense that it had happened to her. She was just so tired of appearing so damn weak.
She cleared her throat and tried to glance at him.
Will you... be coming home? No, maybe it wasn't his home.
Are you leaving? Please don't let the fear reach her eyes, strain her voice.
