04-21-2016, 03:01 PM
Argo presses his ear against my chest again to listen to my heartbeat, and I wonder if he can hear it breaking, can hear the shards of glass threatening to splinter off and dig into my chest from the inside. I'll be scared later. I'll worry every time he fights to breathe, every time he pushes just a little too hard, every time he sways as the world starts to spin. But right now, I sink desperate claws into the soothing calm he needs and wrap it around us like a blanket.
For once, I am glad I'm nothing like Rile was, bold and boisterous and brimming with vitality. For the first time, there isn't even a hidden little piece of me wishing I could have matched the light in his eyes as he frolicked in the adoption den even as we waited for someone to come and take him away. I've never been the frolicking sort, never needed to race the wind and see if I can win, never cared to climb a tall hill just to see the world from the top of it. Calm and quiet in the darkness, that's something Rile could never do, not the whole time we shared a womb and I'm sure not now either. And in this moment, I wouldn't trade whatever comfort I can offer Argo for anything in the world.
Not even for Rile.
I stroke Argo's mane as he murmurs his fears into my skin, holding him safe against me. Or as safe as I can make him. “I know it scares you, love. It scares me too, but you could never let me down, not for a second. And I know they feel the same way.” How could they not? “You are perfect, sweet boy, exactly as you are.” I press my lips against his forehead, then curl myself back around him and hold him close, whispering a secret of my own into his skin despite my best effort to keep it in. “And being here with you makes me feel like maybe I'm not so broken either.”
My chest tightens as the words reach my ears, a jolt of anxiety tinged with guilt making my heart pound a little faster. I shouldn't have said it. He has enough pain on his tiny shoulders already, he doesn't need any of mine adding to his burden. But I couldn't stop the words from sneaking out, and there's too much truth in them to try to take it back. I bury my face against the velvet softness of his coat, breathe deep of the safety in our mingled scents, his and mine and a hint of Mari, and Offspring and Isle too. Maybe it doesn't have to be so hard, to let them all be my family.
For once, I am glad I'm nothing like Rile was, bold and boisterous and brimming with vitality. For the first time, there isn't even a hidden little piece of me wishing I could have matched the light in his eyes as he frolicked in the adoption den even as we waited for someone to come and take him away. I've never been the frolicking sort, never needed to race the wind and see if I can win, never cared to climb a tall hill just to see the world from the top of it. Calm and quiet in the darkness, that's something Rile could never do, not the whole time we shared a womb and I'm sure not now either. And in this moment, I wouldn't trade whatever comfort I can offer Argo for anything in the world.
Not even for Rile.
I stroke Argo's mane as he murmurs his fears into my skin, holding him safe against me. Or as safe as I can make him. “I know it scares you, love. It scares me too, but you could never let me down, not for a second. And I know they feel the same way.” How could they not? “You are perfect, sweet boy, exactly as you are.” I press my lips against his forehead, then curl myself back around him and hold him close, whispering a secret of my own into his skin despite my best effort to keep it in. “And being here with you makes me feel like maybe I'm not so broken either.”
My chest tightens as the words reach my ears, a jolt of anxiety tinged with guilt making my heart pound a little faster. I shouldn't have said it. He has enough pain on his tiny shoulders already, he doesn't need any of mine adding to his burden. But I couldn't stop the words from sneaking out, and there's too much truth in them to try to take it back. I bury my face against the velvet softness of his coat, breathe deep of the safety in our mingled scents, his and mine and a hint of Mari, and Offspring and Isle too. Maybe it doesn't have to be so hard, to let them all be my family.