[private] even the sun was afraid of you

[Mazikeen]

Mazikeen doesn’t know whether it is the questions themselves or the fact that the answer is yes that causes the rest of her body to crack and begin to glow with her fury. It hadn’t felt like a decision, staying with Gale - or at least there had never felt like an alternative. She just… did. It made sense. Without the depth of her emotions, without that heart that truly made her who she was, she knows it isn’t love she feels for the curse but it had always seemed to be close enough that the difference did not matter. She’d been grateful to have her emotions carved from her, to be free of the strings that tied her to everyone she met and the worry that had made her nights restless. She’d come to enjoy being hurt if it came with other things. It had seemed like a kindness until now. Until, like with Selaphiel, she’s standing before someone she cared for and she is forced to feel the weight of the difference between before and now. Until she’s forced to think without the distractions of Hyaline. Had she given up? She wrestles with her thoughts, resistant to the ones that make her examine how truly awful everything has been when viewed from the outside. Mazikeen doesn’t care but she has the uncomfortable knowledge that she should and that makes it worse. She doesn’t reply to Firion’s snarling questions except for that increase in her glow. She does not growl, doesn’t deflect, there are no furious words flung at him - asking him why he even cares. The inferno remains internal, filling all the empty spaces and burning her from the inside out. Her silence is enough of an answer, anyway. She can’t argue otherwise - he was right. Even the idea that she misses feeling something other than fire and rage is a hollow one, forgotten as soon as it enters her mind. The question asked when she is standing a little closer is easier to answer. She does not carry the same embarrassment that would have had her say anything other than the truth. “No. I would have stayed without hesitation.” Mazikeen knows that this should pain her, that this honesty should come with a price, but there isn’t any sadness for her to reach for anymore. It is all fire and shadows, it is just a blank look in her eyes when there should be something more there at this confession.  m a z i k e e n .

 

@firion