DAWN

i just killed off what was left of the optimist in me

Loneliness has made a home in her bed.

Her children are here, of course, but they are not making the best of companions as of late. Isilme and Austra are furious at her, as she had expected them to be, and Nolin and Athena don’t make the best conversational friends as they are so young. Some days it seems as though it is only Caelestra and herself within the Cove’s walls, and those walls press in on her further and further with each passing day.

Her mind falls to Clayton – she can almost swear she can smell his scent on the breeze coming off of the ocean, but she wonders if it is too good to be true. He had missed the twin’s birth and naming, the war, and everything in between. Out of all of the betrayal she has felt lately, his hurts the worst, because she had figured out of all of them, he would be the one to stick around. He should’ve been the one to be on her side through it all, but he had vanished just like the rest. Left her with four young children that he should have been here to help her raise, and been at her side to restore the Cove to something better than it had been.

Impossible – the gentle call falls to her ears and she turns toward the sound, fighting the nausea and anger that rises in her as she heads in his direction. She crests a hill and there he is – the bay-and-green horned stallion that should have been her King. The man who should have been everything, but he gave it all up and abandoned them. She wants to run to him and tear at his skin and make him bleed for all he has done to her, but there is a longing too, a desire to fall into his arms and sob and beg for him to stay.

It is a nauseating war that is raging inside, but on the exterior she is cold and calm, watching him with with an expression that gives nothing away. “You’re back.”

DAWN

i just killed off what was left of the optimist in me

She may have learned how to wear her crown diligently, but the cold, queenly aura that surrounds the young woman is nothing more than a façade, and she has to fight hard to keep her golden face expressionless as he gives a half-smile to her. She wants to break down and scream at him, but she has so many responsibilities now, so many that are outside the realm of breaking her peaceful demeanor. She cannot – will not – let herself break, and though her face is a mask, her eyes begin to burn with a slow fury as he starts to explain himself.

He tries to brush his nose against hers but she doesn’t return the sentiment – he doesn’t deserve her gentle touch, not now. The words trickle from his mouth and he takes a step closer, but once again she makes no move, either towards him or away from him. It is only when he says his last piece – I still love you – that her frozen body melts, and she steps away from him with an incredulous snort.

“You still love me?” she snaps, ears flat against her head as she steps further backwards. Her tail lashes angrily and if she were her mother, smoke would be curling from her nostrils; instead, hooves shift half into bear claws, and she tears up the ground under her feet as she distances herself from her would-be lover. “Do you know what you’ve done to me?”

She has been losing control so much lately – Tephra before this, and now here, and a small piece of herself hates herself for it. Even still, she cannot stop the venom that laces her words as she snaps at Clayton again and again, her teeth shifting to fangs and the fur along her mouth flashing white as the bear threatens to explode from her skin. “You’ve never even met your children – a son and a daughter, not that you would know. You’ve been gone for over a year! And you come to me with your half-assed apologies and a ‘I still love you’?!”

Taking a deep breath, she turns away from the horned stallion, trying to regain her composure. “You should probably go, Clayton.”

DAWN

i just killed off what was left of the optimist in me

She can see him crumbling before her, and she can’t tell if she loathes herself for hurting him or if she loathes him for abandoning her, only to come crawling back when it’s become convenient. She takes deep, unsteady breaths as she tries to control herself – tries so desperately to push the bear back down, the bear won’t help anything, the bear only hurts – and is only halfway successful. The wild, rage-induced part-transformations halt, leaving behind a hideous, half-bear, half-horse standing before the bay-and-green stallion. She looks the part of a monster, and some part of her feels that way as well as Clayton swings around to face her, pleading for her to love him back.

Dawn watches him with sad eyes, knowing that no matter what he says, there is no taking this back. The anger fades away as she examines the hurt in his hazel eyes, but she is already shaking her head before he finishes speaking. She can’t do this, not right now... maybe not ever. “Clay, stop,” she whispers, blinking hard against the emotions that threaten to knock her down. “Once I thought... once. Maybe I loved you. I don’t know.” She has undergone so much heartbreak in her short years, from Sunny to Lie and Kensa and now Clayton. Things are better with Lie, and so much brighter, but she knows that she hurt him in ways that are irreparable, even as they merge their strengths together.

She just can’t do this. “I... I don’t think I know what love even is,” she murmurs, not meeting his eyes. “And I must leave the Cove – Lie and I, we agreed... agreed to rule together from Pangea.” She doesn’t mention the tender make-up sex that ensued at the end of their conversation, or the child currently growing within her. She doesn’t want to hurt him anymore than she already has, though she knows it is probably inevitable. “I will visit as much as I can, but... I don’t know how often that will be.”

Her golden head finally lifts and she catches his eyes, a fierce sadness glowing there. “The children... they all want to stay. Isilme nominated herself to care for the Cove, and we have granted it to her. Please stay, for them. Get to know our son and daughter; you will love them just as fiercely as I do. But I can’t stay.”

DAWN

i just killed off what was left of the optimist in me

It is his turn to be angry, and she makes no move to extinguish the flames that grows in his eyes and the discomfort that grows in his belly. He makes no move to speak until she finishes, and though she prickles at his angry laugh, she doesn’t try to stop the onslaught of words he has cooked up for her. Let him try to hurt her, and he’ll find that she’s made of tougher stuff than he could even imagine. She has lost so much in such a short lifetime that at this point in time, she doesn’t mind one more loss – Clayton has already abandoned her once before, and she’s proven time and time again that she doesn’t need him in order to be strong.

He tells her to leave, and for the first time she laughs, a cold and cruel laugh. “Unfortunately for you, I don’t owe you anything,” she tells him, inky black talons gripping the earth beneath her paws.

“You fucked me,” she says, her voice cold and her eyes chips of flint, “and you left me. Before I even knew I was pregnant, you were gone. You didn’t even show up to your own coronation. So, please, tell me again how I stripped you of the crown you never even showed up to claim.” She ignores the question about her pregnancy – it is none of his business, after all, whom a queen chooses to bed, and who better fitting than a king? She continues on as if the comment means nothing – for truly, it means nothing to her. “And I never said I would visit for you.”

Her body is tense, as though before a fight, but her expression never wavers from one carved of stone. “Isilme is acting as a figurehead, nothing more. The Cove is now just a territory, and her members that do not belong to Hyaline will belong to Pangea. If I were you, I’d fall in line. Don’t presume to think what is best for me to do, either. As Queen of the East I will not tolerate insubordination, and it seems as though you are toeing a very fine line, Clayton.” Her voice is full of disdain as she turns away from him, not bothering to look back as she leaves the broken bay behind.