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    COTY

    Assailant -- Year 226

    QOTY

    "But the dream, the echo, slips from him as quickly as he had found it and as consciousness comes to him (a slap and not the gentle waves of oceanic tides), it dissolves entirely. His muscles relax as the cold claims him again, as the numbness sets in, and when his grey eyes open, there’s nothing but the faint after burn of a dream often trod and never remembered." --Brigade, written by Laura


    just do what you do what you do what you did to me; NEVI
    #1

    Lieschel

    After filling her belly with the milk the fairies in the Den gave them, she had decided it was time to stretch her legs a little and make her way to the bordering Playground to find someone that wasn't crying or sobbing over their lost parents. Lieschel had had about enough of that crap. There was no sense in crying over something that wasn't lost. The fairies were always willing to cuddle and they used their special mommy magics to make her feel all warm and snuggly when they did. They sang and told stories and in general kept them all safe.

    Lieschel could do whatever she wanted all day long and never have to worry about getting into any kind of trouble. It was so awesome.

    Her hooves pick her a path through the woods and into the Playground. She knows the moment she hits it as there is less of a warm cozy feeling and more of an open, wind in her face kind of feeling. She closes her eyes and inhales a deep breath of the air, scenting what she could on it.

    There wasn't much. The Playground seemed a little quiet today.

    She mentally shrugs and moves down her small hill into the deeper valley. There was a cave as she was wandering down and she hesitates, knowing that it was more than likely safe but still slightly hesitant to just stick her nose into it. However, she wasn't to be deterred by her own fright and sucks in a breath before she steps into the shadows. She waits a moment, waiting for her eyes to adjust before she sees him. "Oye, what are you doing in here?" Her tone was possibly a little belligerent as she might have started in fear when he was suddenly there. Her ears falling back across the top of her poll to hide amongst her scrawny mane.

    The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself.

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    #2
    Rile isn't here. I shouldn't be disappointed. There was no reason to expect he would be, and what would I have said to him even if he were? Hey, how's life without me? Do you miss me? Does your new family treat you well? Does your heart hurt anyhow when you think about me, or do you even think of me at all? No, I would have seen him and faded into the shadows, hiding from him now as I'd hidden from him the day he'd gone home with someone else. Still, I would have known he was okay, and happy, and perhaps it would have helped me settle in with my own new family.

    Instead, I skulked through the playground in fruitless search of him, and then curled up in a nice, cozy cave for a nap. I sleep best in the cool, dark arms of the earth, shielded from the weight of eyes watching me. And the shelter drowns out the night sky's distant, haunting star song. Finding a cave to sleep in has become a habit, and I could use a rest before I head back to the Tundra to try to let myself fit into a world that seems to want me, even if I don't understand why.

    I'm floating in that strange, heady place between waking and sleeping, the place where dreams tease the edge of my consciousness and indistinct murmurs shiver across my skin, when a strange girl's voice startles me into wakefulness. “Oye, what are you doing in here?” My eyes jerk open and I meet her gaze squarely, too surprised to be circumspect.

    “Well I was almost sleeping,” I reply, and there's a defensive edge to the words that wouldn't have been there if I'd been fully awake when she stumbled upon my hiding place. The sharp note is jarring to my ears, a sound I've never heard from my own voice before, and the unexpected dissonance distracts me from my discomfort. I break our gaze, glancing around the cave, and when I speak my tone is softer, gentler. “And yourself?”
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    #3

    Lieschel

    "Well I was almost sleeping." Her belligerence grows as his tone registers. She looked him over, squinting her eyes to see if she could bring him into focus a little bit better, almost as if she thought he might be lying to her. But nope, there he was all curled up on the ground with the cool earth below him. Her gaze falls away from his own and she scuffs a hoof against the rocks. "Oh." Her attitude falling flat as she realizes she had been a rude little snot.

    She sighs, figuring she ought to apologize but there was no one here to make her. "I was exploring, until you scared the bejezzus out of me." Despite his soft tone and the feeling that she had been chastised and then forgiven, her own tone sharpens slightly again.

    Poor girl seemed to have some kind of chip on her shoulder at the moment.

    But the moment passes and it falls into awkward silence. "So..." She starts. Oh. Right. "My name is Lieschel, what's yours?" She fidgets in her spot, unwilling to move to leave or to stay, she was still undecided. Perhaps it would go better once they got this conversational ball rolling.

    That awkward moment when you're laughing so hard but no noise comes out so you sit there clapping like a retarded seal.

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    #4
    I'm definitely awake now. The girl looks embarrassed, and guilt gnaws at my belly as I scramble to my feet, ducking my head and glancing at her out of the corner of my eye. I shouldn't have made her feel bad. She was just scared. “Sorry,” I murmur, averting my gaze and staring at the ground. “I didn't mean to scare you.” I should have gone back to the Tundra instead of taking up a cave in the playground just for a nap. I could have made it, or found somewhere to hide along the way if I got too tired. Instead I scared a girl and then snapped at her. Or if I had to sleep here, I could at least have been nicer about it.

    “I'm sorry I was mean,” I whisper, trying to shrink inside my own skin even though I'm already plenty small compared to most folks my age. The sharpness in her tone sets my chest to crumpling inward, my head angling away to avoid her eyes, and I step back, trying to melt into the wall and disappear. “You kind of scared me too,” I tell her, still whisper-soft and full of apology. “Or at least surprised me. I didn't mean to snap at you.” I never would have done if I'd been awake. But sometimes when I'm sleeping I forget who I am when the dark creeps in and edges out the light.

    “Oh, um.” I pause, trying to decide how to answer her. Is my name Neverwas, or Nevi? Is Nevi an affectionate nickname saved for family and close friends, or is it My Name? Torn, I open my mouth to reply, then close it again. Nevi is my armor, though, four little letters protecting vulnerability I've tried to bury deep down inside. Steeling myself against the impact of my not-quite-lie, I try again. “I'm called Nevi. It's nice to meet you, Lieschel.”
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    #5

    Lieschel

    "Well I was almost sleeping." Oh dear. It seemed she had really stepped in it now. He apologizes to her, profusely even after she had acted like an ass to him. Of course that only makes her guilt feel worse and the temper she gets when she feels guilty is raising up a little. She doesn't like to be wrong, doesn't like to apologize. It makes her angry even when she knows it shouldn't. She aches to throw a temper tantrum, but these small things she had been working on in secret so that maybe when mommies came to the Den they would pick her if she wasn't so belligerent or angry.

    While she played tough, it really was hard to be alone without someone to care and love her.

    She sighs, tucking that temper away, when he is all done. "No, look, it's really my fault anyways. I shouldn't have been so snappy at you. You didn't do anything." Her short tail slapping irritably at her haunches. "Can we just drop it? Say we are both sorry and move on?" KThanks.

    Saved by the introductions! Who would have thought she would have been so happy to have to go through the niceties of every day life. She smiles at him, warmly, glad to have been interrupted on the other much more awkward part of her life. "Nevi." She tastes the name on her tongue. "I like it!"

    She moves closer to him, her eyes seeking him out in the darkness. She is glad for some company, she likes to think she doesn't have any one to talk to because all the other babies are babies and cry and she hates that. But really it's because she is just as lost and lonely as they are and she doesn't want her own armor to break. Lieschel acts tough, acts like it doesn't hurt to be homeless with no ties, only to keep herself sane.

    "So where do you live? Do you have any brothers or sisters? What's your home like?" She tosses off some random questions even as she slides up against his side, tentative at first but enjoying the warmth and the comfort his touch brings so she slides closer so that their shoulders touch.


    That awkward moment when you're laughing so hard but no noise comes out so you sit there clapping like a retarded seal.

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    #6
    I can see irritation in the lashing of her tail, the angle of her ears, the way her jaw tenses. I don't know what I did, but I'm opening my mouth to apologize again and tell her I'll leave when she sighs and speaks first. Oh thank god, she wants to drop it. I nod, a quick jerk of my head as a relieved “yes please” tumbles out of my mouth. And she likes my...name, yes, it's my name. It's who I am now – not lonely little Neverwas abandoned like so much garbage, but Nevi, a boy with a home and a family and a place in the world, even if I still sometimes feel like I don't deserve it.

    I stand utterly still as she draws closer, watching her out of wary brown eyes as she sidles up beside me. But there is a familiar quiet yearning in the touch of her shoulder against mine, and I relax into it. I know something of the loneliness beneath that yearning, and my own intrinsic reluctance toward a stranger's touch fades in the face of her tentative advance. I return the light pressure, accepting the casual touch because I know how it can hurt to be without it.

    “I live in the Tundra, which is...well, cold. In the winter, at least. Kind of squishy and wet in the summer, and I like that at least better than the cold. There's some nice caves to explore, though.” I answer, distracted from trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my body by a series of questions that should not be all that difficult to answer. “I...didn't always, though. I'm adopted. My new family has another boy and a girl too, and a--” I stumble a bit over the next words, because they still feel foreign on my lips. “A mom and a dad.”

    Mom is someone who walks away without a second glance, but Isle is nothing like that. Dad is a stranger, someone who helps make unwanted children and never even meets them, and that is not Offspring at all. And brother, that one's harder still. Brother is too big and too complicated to parse, and the word is tangled up with sorrow and loneliness. I don't want to give my new family tainted words. But I think it hurts them that I don't, little flickers of sadness in angel brown eyes and maybe even in crimson ones too. Those are still harder for me to read, harder for me to even look into.

    What would any dad see in me?

    I shake my head, chasing away thoughts best brooded on alone, and my nose brushes against Lieschel's fluffy black coat as I do. “Uh.” I'm not used to people being close enough that I have to worry about accidentally touching them, but my earlier apology seemed to annoy her and she touched me first, after all. I'll say sorry if she seems upset, but first I return her question, feeling almost guilty because I already suspect the answer isn't as happy as mine got to be. “What about you?”
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    #7

    Lieschel

    Uncertainty flashes through his eyes. She thinks nothing of his wariness, knowing (hoping) that it would be all okay in the end. It has been so long since she had felt another some one cuddling her (denying herself to forget, to be strong). She closes her eyes briefly as his heat soothes something she didn't know she had been missing. And then his shoulder brushes more against hers and she has to stop herself from leaning into him. She steadies herself, her ears flickering when he starts to answer her questions.

    Those brown eyes turn to peer at him, neck twisting just slightly as she manages a smile at his stuttering. "You're lucky. Not everyone gets adopted." She manages to say without any rancor, instead with only a tad bit of wistfulness. She sighs when he is done. Both seem to lose themselves in their thoughts. Nevi's was thinking of words and their labels. Lieschel was thinking of what it would be like to live in a place like he did.

    But his nose brushes her and brings her back to the present. "Hmm?" She takes a minute to realize he hadn't actually said anything. "Oh, it's ok." She says after she realizes it had been an accident. Her smile curling into an absent smile almost automatically. (From belligerent to lonely to almost smiling, she is giving me whiplash.)

    She manages to see that guilt creeping in his face even before she answers, her eyes still on him. She aches to go find a home now, aches to have others love her even as he had been so lucky, but she certainly didn't want to make him feel bad. So she passes the pain off, pushes it to the side and totally avoids his question. It's not quite as subtle as she would like it to be. "What are they all like? Are they nice to you?" She tilts her head to the side, her breath mingling with his briefly.

    She turns to look out the cave, looking towards the opening that looms in front of them. The Playground was supposed to be a fun place. A place to get away from the Den. Maybe when they were done they could go play, although she suspects neither of them will really be into it.


    That awkward moment when you're laughing so hard but no noise comes out so you sit there clapping like a retarded seal.

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    #8
    “You're lucky. Not everyone gets adopted.” I know it, too. I still think Isle must be an angel, sent to save me from wasting away into nothing. And the wistful note in Lieschel's voice confirms my earlier suspicions. The lonely yearning in her touch made me wonder, but behind those words is the truth. She has not yet been so lucky. Oh, she doesn't say it, but I know the feeling behind those words. She sidesteps my question with more of her own instead, asking about my family.

    My family. It's still so new, believing those words to be true instead of just a possibility I can't quite let myself reach out and touch. I close my eyes, resting my head on Lieschel's withers as I picture them each in turn. “Isle is the one who found me all alone in the den, curled up in the shade of one of those big old trees.” And I know she'll know the ones, lovely old things whose branches reach out for what feels like forever.

    “It was the luckiest moment of my life, her finding me there. I was sleeping, and she woke me up so softly, gentle little brushes of her lips and her nose coaxing me to open my eyes and be hers.” Isle is the kindest, most loving person I have known in my life, short as it has been so far. And I wonder. She made room in her heart and her life for me. Could she, would she, if I asked...maybe make room for one more?

    “And Offspring, he is. Um. Very, very big. Dark, all black, with these red eyes that should be scary. They should, but...he isn't scary at all. Because as big as he is? That's how big his heart is too.” I've seen his heart in his eyes when he looks at Isle, love flowing effortlessly between them. I've seen it when he smiles at Mari, and when he soothes nightmares from Argo's restless body while he sleeps.

    “Maribel is sunshine and rainbows, and innocence unshaken by her start. I haven't heard that story yet, what brought her into their lives. They adopted her before me, and...and she seems so happy, I don't want to bring up anything that might make her sad.” Still, Mari would understand what it was to need a home. And how, with as blessed as I have been, I cannot turn away from a heart as lonely as this little girl's, especially one hidden behind such a brave face.

    “And Argo...” I draw in a deep breath, searching for words to tell this lost girl about my not-quite-brother, because what can I say? When I'm around him, even when my heart hurts for him, I still feel...unbroken. But I don't know how to say that out loud, so instead I go with “He has his parents' kindness and boundless capacity for love. He's my best friend, and I would do anything for him.

    “For all of them.”
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    #9

    Lieschel

    She tries to keep it hidden. Something about Nevi was bringing out the softer side of her life. It was bringing up these urges that she had fought to keep down and away, locking it up tight. Probably because whenever she had wandered into a conversation before where it involved families she had turned and walked the other way. But here she was asking him to pour out his family life so she could just pretend if only for a little while.

    So while his head rests on her, her eyes close and she imagines it with him. She can see the trees and the mare with kindness in her eyes walking up to a bundle near the roots of the tree. The bundle is her instead of her new friend but details. She imagines the walk it would have taken to get from the Den to the Tundra and how tired her legs would have been. But how grateful she would be to be home.

    She imagines Offspring, a big black giant of a horse with eyes equally as kind as Isle's. She can see where others might find him scary but he wasn't really.... And then Maribell, a sister who she could annoy to go with a little brother that she could help protect.

    She is almost sorry that he is done telling his story but at the same time glad it is over. Emptiness fills her chest where her heart used to be. "That sounds wonderful." And if her tone is a little flat, she doesn't seem to notice. "I'm so happy for you." This is accompanied by a smile and she touches his forehead with her lips, nostrils flaring as she catches his scent and stores it deep.

    An ear flicks towards the cave entrance, her eyes not meeting his own. "I should go. You probably want to get back to your nap and then your family." At that she starts to step away from his body, leaving the warmth of his body and what it offered. She manages a smile again. "Glad to have met you." Her hooves scuffing against the rocks as she all but runs from the cave, leaving him to his own devices.

    That awkward moment when you're laughing so hard but no noise comes out so you sit there clapping like a retarded seal.

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