She couldn’t leave this meeting to chance, or she might lose her nerve. So Mazikeen takes to the skies as an unremarkable gull and seeks out Selaphiel as the sun gets closer to sinking behind the mountain peaks of their home.

Their last conversation could have gone so much worse, but it still twists her stomach to reflect back on it. To hear the icy venom she had shot at him, to remember the way she had grinned and felt a strange form of joy when he had flinched from her. Now she is so proud of the way he had stood up to her and it is not difficult to hope that there was a way to salvage their friendship. It had only been just beginning, but he meant so much to her.

When she finally spots him below she doesn’t let herself hesitate. She descends, landing nearby but not too close and immediately shifting back into herself while her heart lodges itself somewhere in her throat as her pulse begins to race with nerves. She’s different once again, only this time instead of more scars scattered across her coat there are none at all. Her eyes are once again that old, bright orange. Shining all the more for the tears that begin to prick at the corners of them.

She’s starting to get sick of crying again, though there never seems to be an end to the excuses for it.

“Sela.” She means for the word to be strong enough to call out to him but her voice cracks on those syllables and it ends up being little more than a whisper in the warm evening air. Firion wouldn’t let her apologize to him, but she intends to repeat those words often to the stallion in front of her (when had he grown up?). Just as soon as her voice starts to work again.

Selaphiel begins to turn away from her and her heart twists. It’s certainly what she deserves. For now, though, he stops and she feels a flicker of hope.

And then her nickname in his voice erases what little chance there had been that Mazikeen wouldn’t cry and the tears that had been shining in her eyes begin to fall. Even though it is frustrating, even though now and then she does still hide what she is feeling so it will not weigh on anyone else, she has not yet started to wish for the emptiness again. She had caused pain and she deserved to feel it now - and the shimmering moments of happiness when they come around are worth it.

She nods quickly, and when she goes to speak again a small sob chokes out before she finds her voice. “Yeah. It’s me, Sela. I’m…. I’m...” Back? Better? As though having her emotions ripped out of her had been a vacation or a disease she just needed to recover from.

She takes a step forward but hesitates before drawing any closer. Everything, including the affection she feels for Sela, is shining and over-bright in contrast to the last year, but she knows that they had really only just become friends before everything had slid sideways. It doesn’t seem likely that he would accept, or want, a hug from her.

It is easier to be brave with Firion and it is effortless to return the comfort he had given her now that he needs it. But Sela? She may only ever have just her hope that they could still, somehow, be friends. And even that feels like a selfish thing to want right now as his family suffers through this tragedy.

So instead she just lets her shaky voice bridge the gap between them. “I’m so sorry.” For his loss, for everything she’d said to him last time they met. There is so much crammed into those three words.

His step towards her gives her so much hope and Mazikeen can't believe she existed for so long without these overwhelming emotions. They're too much and wonderful all at once and it is beyond anything she deserves when Selaphiel closes the gap between them of his own free will with no fear in his eyes.

Of course, the gentle touch on her cheek only causes even more tears to fall and that in turn inspires a small, strangled self-deprecating laugh. Parts of her miss the days when tears didn’t come so easily, even though she knows it is a good thing. The unfortunate side effect of crying in front of everyone she knows is worth it when she’s herself again, when she can reach out to touch Sela gently on his neck before he pulls away and reassure herself that this is real.

And be able to sincerely tell him “It’s not your fault, Sela.” None of it was. “I wouldn’t have let you even if you could have. I didn’t think I was worth saving and then… I didn’t want to be saved.” She had fought against it, refusing it when it had been offered to her. So firm in her belief that she was better off as she had been, even as she had continue to rot and burn away. “But it means a lot to me that you wanted to. That you thought I…”

She chokes on the words though, unable to actually say out loud that she was worth it.

So instead she inhales and tries not to think about how shaky that breath is or how shaky her body feels, and instead offers her friend a small smile and gives him another piece of the truth. “I’m so glad you’re still here.”

It had infuriated Mazikeen when Selaphiel and Firion had both believed there was still something left of her true-self when she had been hollowed out. She had hated that reminder of what she had been, had despised all the echoes of emotions those two brothers had inspired. They had both been wrong, there had been nothing but those memories left of the Mazikeen they had known.

But now she is so grateful for their faith even when she hadn’t deserved it.

It is nice to think that protecting Selaphiel was so ingrained in her that there is some truth to his words. Even without a conscience or the love that drove her to do so many reckless things, she had still been trapped by limitations she couldn’t understand.

“I think... I never expected anyone to not give up on me. I had given up on myself. A long time before… before he…” Gale plucking out her emotions after he had killed her that second time, after she had shut down to avoid the sickening rollercoaster of emotions - it’s still not easy to casually remark upon. The words always get stuck in her throat.

So she gives up, lets the sentence drop away. “I’m very lucky, you know. To have you as my friend.” Though her voice is still soft, it’s earnest - this is one of the truths she knows without a doubt.

“It was actually your brother that saved me this time. Firion.” Thoughts of the golden stallion have a warming effect on her heart and there is a moment where her expression lightens. Where the dense clouds of her guilt and sadness dissipate just a little. “Your family has a habit of it, maybe it’ll be your turn next time.” It’s not a funny joke, but she smiles anyway as she looks into Selaphiel’s eyes - knowing even if she doesn’t manage to get a smile from him, she’s still so grateful just to be able to talk to him again.

She hopes, with his attention on the horizon, that Selaphiel doesn’t see the way she flinches slightly at the mention of Gale. The Curse was an unfinished threat out there in the world, one she needed to take care of before he harmed anyone else.

One she should have taken care of before he had harmed Ryatah.

Old internal battles of needing help but being unwilling to let anyone else put themselves in harm way rage in her constantly. The desire to not be alone anymore often wins. Past mistakes need to be avoided before she finds herself caught up in the same horrible loop. She wants to protect what she's earned, and that which she's starting to recover.

Like a friendship with Sela.

It is not a wide, shining smile that he offers her - and it does nothing to warm up his eyes - but it is something. It’s a start.

“Would you like to walk with me, Sela?” Her smile grows a little more as she waits, trying not to give attention to the nerves that arise up or the expectation of a refusal. “Let’s act like two friends should. I’ll pretend to believe you when you say I’m bigger than he was, and you can pretend to believe me when I tell you that your worth to me doesn’t lie in your ability to predict death but just in your friendship and the simple fact that you exist."