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+----- Thread: I wait on you, at the bottom of the deep blue sea; Lynx (/showthread.php?tid=22886)
I wait on you, at the bottom of the deep blue sea; Lynx - Persea - 02-05-2019
All of the voices inside of my mind will never be silenced
The water laps rhythmically against the sand, a ceaseless ebb and flow that clings as desperately to the winding shores as she does. She couldn’t seem to help herself anymore, couldn’t stop the way her feet would bring her to the water’s edge. But it seems she cannot get more than a toe into the crystalline waves before fear drives her backwards.Those waves are compelling, seductive, calling endlessly to her. But she is plagued by fear, uncertainty. Ever since that day when the water had swallowed her beneath it’s hungry surface. Her frantic struggles had proven useless against it’s pull, her screams silent in her throat as it had dragged her down, tossing and tumbling her small body until she hadn’t known up from down.
She still remembers the fire in her lungs, the first stinging, burning inhale of salty water. She remembers the blackness, a blessed relief from terror, from the pain in her chest and spasming muscles.
And she remembers the silence. For the first time in her entire life, she had heard nothing. No voices in her head, screaming, whispering, endless. Momma had told her they would always be there. But Momma hadn’t told her the water would silence them. And perhaps that, as much as any instinct that now resides within her, is what calls her, time after time, to the water’s edge, despite the fear that clutches cold, cruel fingers into her heart.
She doesn’t know how she had ended up back on the beach. Doesn’t remember anything after the darkness had claimed her. She only remembers waking on the sands, seaweed clinging to her legs and neck just as the mark of the ocean had somehow bled through her entire body. Had left her irrevocably changed.
She had heard the way it had affected her parents, unable to avoid their thoughts. And as she stares at the water, inching forward until it laps her hooves, she wonders if it could help her forget. Her feet shimmer with faint pearlescence each time the water washes across them, as lovely and delicate as the seashell they now resemble. Feet that are both hers and not hers, just as the thoughts that clamor in her mind are hers and not hers. Just as the body that had blurred from red and white into ocean blue and seashell is both hers and not hers.
It’s tempting, to lose herself beneath the waves once more, to forget all the things that had gone wrong that fateful day. A siren song that only deep-rooted fear could keep her from answering. She already knows what waits for her there.
until I can find a way to let go of what we left behind
persea
@[lynx]
RE: I wait on you, at the bottom of the deep blue sea; Lynx - lynx - 02-08-2019
- lynx -
love brought weight to this heart of mine
RE: I wait on you, at the bottom of the deep blue sea; Lynx - Persea - 02-15-2019
All of the voices inside of my mind will never be silenced
It’s ironic, truthfully, that her parents guilt should create a guilt of her own. Even though it’s a foolish thing, it seems there is no preventing the foibles of the mind. They way it inevitably and invariably must turn back on oneself. Even now she can feel it in her mother, the thoughts that weigh so heavily, the self-recrimination at having allowed her eldest daughter to nearly drown. She shakes her head, but it does not clear the thoughts. Just as she had known it wouldn’t.She had known better than to wade so far into the sea. Even as she’d splashed farther and farther, distracted by the buoyant water, by the way she could splash and roll, she’d had the niggling thought she should return to shore. That she shouldn’t go so far out. It wasn’t safe. But it had been fun, and before she’d known it, she had found the sand dropping from beneath her feet. Only moments later the riptide had snagged her, before she could rectify her mistake.
It’s her fault. All of this. But she doesn’t know how to fix it.
So instead she comes here, staring into the ocean, wondering why it had been her. The answers never come, of course. Only the ceaseless crashing of waves and the nauseating prattle of thoughts.
For a moment, she has trouble distinguishing the thoughts for her mother’s voice, but when she does, she lifts her head, eyes rising to meet the dark gaze of her mother. She closes her eyes briefly as she presses a kiss to her forehead. For all that the thoughts pressing in constantly might trouble her, she is comforted to know the unfailing love her parent’s feel for her. Sometimes her mother seemed only able to think of this ability as a curse, but Persea knew it could be a gift sometimes too.
Her breath catching softly in her throat, she crushes herself into her mother’s chest, pressing her face into the familiar shoulder as she curls against her, needing to feel the comfort of her mother’s embrace and the warmth of the love she so often struggled to show the outside world.
“Me too, Mom,” she whispers against her, squeezing her eyes closed. She regrets the grief she had caused them so much, the pain she knows they feel. “I just… don’t know what to do,” she finishes after a moment. She didn’t need to say it aloud, she knows, but doing so made it real, in a way. Made it into something that, maybe, she could solve.
until I can find a way to let go of what we left behind
persea
RE: I wait on you, at the bottom of the deep blue sea; Lynx - lynx - 02-17-2019
- lynx -
love brought weight to this heart of mine
@[Persea]
RE: I wait on you, at the bottom of the deep blue sea; Lynx - Persea - 02-22-2019
All of the voices inside of my mind will never be silenced
She’s too young still to fully comprehend everything that lies between her parents. To understand them much beyond that they are her Mom and Dad, and that they love her a great deal. She doesn’t know of all the things that had brought them together, only collecting stray bits and pieces from their thoughts. And for a youth, it is not something she has cared to dwell too closely upon either.She had not truly paused to consider, before now, the depths of her parent’s relationship. The way they feel towards one another, and all of the thoughts and feelings that rest beneath the surface of their simple, quiet life. Hadn’t realized that perhaps things are not quite so simple, because she hadn’t particularly cared to look. Since her birth, she had been far more interested in learning to quiet the voices. To block them out, pretend they didn’t exist, that she hadn’t taken the time to truly examine them.
But as Lynx opens up to her, she can see there is far more than she had known. Far more she might have known if only she had cared to look. For the first time, she begins to understand what it had taken her parents to get to this point. To be here, with her, with each other. And perhaps that means her situation isn’t as hopeless as she feared it might be.
Pressing closer to her mother, she rubs her face against the comforting shoulder, drawing a deep, shuddering breath to settle herself, inhaling the warm and familiar scent of her mom. Of home. Of family. “Yeah,” she agrees softly, exhaling shakily. “Yeah, ok.” Leaning her head against her Lynx’s shoulder, she nods faintly. “I love you too.”
Perhaps that was really all she needed. To know she wasn’t alone. To know she wouldn’t have to be alone. But it does make her wonder. About her parents, their past. About her Mom, and how she’d managed everything. If she’d ever felt like this. “Can you… tell me,” she begins, a little hesitantly. Not entirely certain if it’s something Lynx would want to share. She knows how private her mom could be. “About when you were a kid.”
until I can find a way to let go of what we left behind
persea
RE: I wait on you, at the bottom of the deep blue sea; Lynx - lynx - 02-23-2019
- lynx -
love brought weight to this heart of mine
@[Persea]
RE: I wait on you, at the bottom of the deep blue sea; Lynx - Persea - 03-01-2019
All of the voices inside of my mind will never be silenced
She is still so young, so naive, that the full extent of the deception and cruelty that exists in the world hadn’t made itself so boldly known to her. She struggles to wrap her head around the thoughts spilling from her mother’s mind, piecing them to the words that she speaks. The admissions she makes. Her own parents had never been anything but loving, and to see that Lynx’s parents (her grandparents) had shared that too, before breaking and splintering apart, is a concept she finds a little difficult to visualize.Her own thoughts tumble through her mind as well, wondering if that might happen to her own parents too. Wondering if her own reaction would be so heartbreakingly bitter. She can’t imagine not loving her father. Can’t imagine feeling the anger she now knows her mother feels towards her grandfather.
She remains silent as Lynx continues, slowly digesting her revelations, her final, almost halting, admission. Her mother’s experience had been so vastly different from her own so far, and she wonders at that too. Wonders at the world her mother had grown up in. Wonders at those pieces of herself she had inherited from the marbled woman.
But then she thinks too of her father. Of everything she has gleaned from his warm, unfaltering love and open thoughts. In spite of his endless good humor, she knows he is not as naive to the world as so many expect. He seems to understand her mother so well, despite his inability to read her thoughts. And she wonders at those pieces of him she had inherited as well. Makes her wonder at why it is he is so unfailingly kind and happy.
After a moment, she looks up at her mother’s stark, lovely features, peering through wayward strands of teal hair. “I suppose… you’re right. Things change.” She pauses brief then. “Like me.” Her voice is a little small, a little uncertain, as she says that. “But what if the ones who are hardest to love are the ones that need it the most?”
She knows her mother will see her thoughts as she says that. Will see the influence of her father in them. But maybe, just maybe, that’s right too. She’d needed her mother’s love just now. To remind her she isn’t unloveable, even if she is a little bit broken right now.
until I can find a way to let go of what we left behind
persea
RE: I wait on you, at the bottom of the deep blue sea; Lynx - lynx - 03-09-2019
- lynx -
love brought weight to this heart of mine
@[Persea]
RE: I wait on you, at the bottom of the deep blue sea; Lynx - Persea - 03-11-2019
All of the voices inside of my mind will never be silenced
It’s easy to get lost in the moment, in the way their thoughts can so easily answer one another. Forgetting, for a time, that words can be spoken aloud too. It feels so natural to her, but she knows it is not truly. Not with anyone else. No, it is something unique she shares only with her mother.It does make her wonder then too, if it would ever become easier with everyone else. Or if she would always be an unwitting (and so often unwelcomed) voyeur.
But her mother is right, she could never remain naive in the world they live in. Even now, as young as she is, she recognizes she is often privy to thoughts and information she should not be. She is often left to wonder what something she had heard in passing means, often left to wonder if she even wants to know. Often left fearing she might never learn to control it.
With a soft, shaky sigh, she presses closer to Lynx, head returning to the comfort of her shoulder. Her mother’s revelations had left her with so many thoughts to consider (so many emotions to untangle), but she is grateful she had shared so freely with her. Can see now why her mother had always been so reserved with her father, despite their obvious affection. And, if nothing else, it leaves her with a slightly better understanding of her place in the world. Even if it’s slightly foolish, she feels a little stronger for it. A little more capable.
From something so simple as a mother’s faith in her daughter.
“Thanks, Mom,” she says softly into her shoulder, breathing in her comfort. Though she feels better for having had this talk, she still worries. Worries too much, perhaps. That she’d been irrevocably broken by the sea. That she would never be able to brave the world at large, with their thoughts so forcibly tumbling through her head. “Do you think it will ever go away?” she asks then, a little uncertainly. “The fear?”
until I can find a way to let go of what we left behind
persea
RE: I wait on you, at the bottom of the deep blue sea; Lynx - lynx - 03-31-2019
- lynx -
love brought weight to this heart of mine
@[Persea]