Fuck.

Okay, so... That was a lot more fun than he thought it would be. Than he thought it should be. Way too much fun. God, he felt -just- insane guilt now and he knew that he shouldn't. Not technically. Because... Kylin was his sister. Not his lover. And it shouldn't matter. Really, it shouldn't.

So why the hell did he feel like this?

God, it hurt so bad. And it hurt knowing that she would hurt if she knew. If she ever found out. He should probably tell her, right? But why would he want to tell her something he already knew would hurt her? And really he didn't have to tell her. It was his life, right? Okay, so. He should be sure she knew they weren't... uh. Able to be together. Like they wanted. Right? Because, Dad said that's not cool. And he wanted to trust Dad, of course, but also... goddamn, he just really fucking wanted Kylin.

Would it be bad to maybe just... Just one night? One time and that was it. As long as Dad didn't find out, that'd be cool, right? They could wander off a little, maybe out for the day somewhere, and just. Try it out. And then be done. They'd know what it was like and that would be enough. They could.. move on. Or something. Maybe. Not that he wanted to.

Okay, well. One time sounded like a nice start. Or, uhh, end.

And it definitely sounded like the best idea right now the very moment his eyes settled on her. Damn, that perfect lavender, the smooth, creamy white of her hip -a hip he could grab so tight and pull closer. So goddamn sexy, and he was sure his lust was clear in his eyes as he studied her body in that way he knew he shouldn’t. Father would not like this at all. But, damn, she looked so good.
 
His eyes slowly made their way back to her face and he remembered... that he was supposed to be apologizing. Because she was hurt that he left, that they'd had to spend time away. But mostly that he'd left her. He was just trying to do what Father said was right, to put distance between them, but she didn’t know that. And it sucked. A lot. For both of them. God, but he was a little distracted from apologizing just then, and he walked up to her with eyes bright and hungry.
 
He didn’t stop until he was pressed against her, his chest to hers and his cheek rubbing along her neck with a smooth glide. He breathed her in, and sighed it out. Yeah, apologizing could wait. Or maybe he could make it up to her in this better way. ”Come on, Kylin,” he whispered to her, his voice almost pleading. ”Let’s go away for a while.” Just a while. They’d both love it.

Damn, he loved when she said his name. Her eyes shined with moisture, happy to finally see him again, and his smile widened, heartbeat quickening. He pushed himself into her, holding her close and drinking in her scent. He'd missed her, hated the distance. This felt so good to be against her, to have her lips marking kisses across his neck and making him hum with pleasure.

But she stopped. Pulled back.

Tears were on her cheeks and his chest tightened, the hunger in his eyes washing away. Ah, man, he'd messed up. "N-no," she stammered, her beautiful head shaking. She closed her eyes and he felt a bitter-sharp fear tingle into his blood. How would he fix this? How would he make it right so he could have her back again, back to her breathless smiles and adoration in her eyes, to her skin against his.

There was pain in her hazel eyes as she admonished him, and he dropped his eyes to the ground at their feet, his shoulders wilting. His wings drooped, fluffed oddly in anxiety. He'd hurt her. He hated that he hurt her, and she didn't even know about Umbra. He hurt her by leaving, and being away. Distant as he slept at Father's side instead of hers. And now he'd hurt her in the way he'd come back, pushing himself on her and expecting her to still want him back.

"I'm sorry," he mumbled miserably, wanting them to be okay again. Needing them to be okay again. She still didn't know Father had talked to him, tried to teach him not to want her in this way. He wasn't sure he should tell her, though. He didn't want her angry at Father for trying to help. But... even still, here he was choosing to ignore it. For her. He shouldn't ignore what Father says.

"Sorry, Kylin." His eyes almost lifted, found the graceful curve of her shoulder and the enticing line of her throat, and he dropped his gaze again. He swallowed. Still wanted her. Shouldn't want her. "Tell me how to fix it," he whispered, begged her. He didn't know how to make this right again, how to make her happy with him again. He missed her. But he'd hurt her. How could he make it up to her?

He could hear her internal conflict. Wanting to soothe him, but wanting to be upset with him. And his apology made her cry. He flinched at it. God, he hated making her cry. It was never supposed to be him. It was supposed to be the opposite. He should be who she turns to to make it better, not who she turns away from for causing it.

She wanted more than that, and he apologized again.

Damn, but she was hurt that he couldn't look at her, and he winced, his shoulders tightening. She wondered if he wanted her anymore and she cried harder, stumbling over the words to say it aloud to him. "Why.. No.. Don't.. don't you want me anymore?" God, this hurt so bad. Her pain was killing him too. Maybe it was a twin thing. Or maybe it was because he loved her so much. Ah, man, and she thought he was disgusted with her. He'd messed up so bad.

"Want me.. stay with me.. D-don't, don't leave me.."

"Kylin," he sighed, soft and sad as he straightened and cautiously stepped in to her. His muzzle teased gently through her hair, nibbling at her roots with a tender massage. The heat of her body against him warmed the medallion pressed between them, and he moved his attention to her withers, kneading at her taut muscles. "Of course, I want you. Wasn't that a little too obvious?" he tried to tease, forcing his voice a little lighter, though it knotted in his stomach. He shouldn't have done that. Not only because it upset her, but also Father didn't want him to.

He didn't want to be like his grandfather. Somehow, he'd let himself forget that the moment he saw her again. It felt like ages since they'd been together, he couldn't help it. "I missed you," he whispered, placing a hesitant kiss on her shoulder. Maybe he shouldn't tell her that. "I was wrong though," he admitted quietly. "I shouldn't have come back to you that way. I'm sorry."

He paused, nuzzling his cheek into her neck.
"I could never leave you forever, you know."

Oh god, she was crying into him. He hated this. Hated how she hurt. Hated that he hurt her. Shhh, he crooned sweetly, comfortingly into her mind as she cried, trying to soothe her pain. He tried stroking a wing along her back, tried so hard to make this better. He hated seeing her this way. "I've missed you too," she told him, "so, so much."

He backed up just a little as she quieted, reaching to brush the tears from her beautiful face. She begged him not to leave her. Ever again. He smiled sadly, but said nothing yet. He couldn't really promise not to ever leave her. Sometimes they weren't at each other's sides, and that was okay. Sometimes he would go out somewhere with Father or Dad or Kali, or maybe even Badden one day. But that was okay.

"I.. it's so lonely without you. I don't like it. Just.. Don't leave.. Please."

"I'll always come back, don't you know?" he said quietly, pressing a light kiss to her damp cheek. Then another. But he shouldn't keep going. "I could never stay away." And one day he might have to, might not have a choice. One day he may mess up, go too far, and if Father learned of it, he wouldn't want him here with them anymore. It wasn't the first time that he thought he could do it, considered doing just as he wanted and hoping Father would never learn of it. But he'd never had to hide anything from his dad. He probably wouldn't be able to. Maybe.

He sighed quietly and leaned in again, nuzzled his cheek into her neck and settled his chest to hers. Even now, he still wanted to kiss her. Not here on her neck, but there on her lips. It had been a while since that day, since they had. But he wasn't supposed to anymore. Shouldn't have done it then, though he hadn't known it at the time. Still didn't really understand it, maybe.

Come on, he thought to her softly, helplessly placing another kiss on her neck, and another a little lower. Another to her shoulder. She felt so good. Let's go out to the water. It'll make you feel better. Kylin always loved the water. Always.

The light touch of his feathers along her back made her jolt, her skin tightening with a chill and a shiver. He tried to pull her a little closer, curling his other wing around her too. But when he retreated again and looked in her face, there was more than just tears there. A little flicker of hope in those beautiful hazel eyes. And her thoughts. She wanted him to kiss her, and he wanted to. But he couldn’t, he couldn’t. He shouldn't do it, Father would be angry.

He leaned into her again, instead, stepping closer and holding her. She knew it was different, that he was holding back. She thought it was her fault, that he didn’t want her anymore. She didn’t know Father told him not to, that it was wrong to be this way with her. But maybe that was a conversation for another time, and he suggested they go to the water instead. She always loved the water.

Our secret spring? she asked, her cheek against his neck and a light tug at his hair that made his skin shudder. He probably shouldn’t take her to their spring. It would be dark soon... But if it would make her happy again, of course that was where they would go. Wherever you want, he said softly to her thoughts, brushing his lips along the muscle in her neck before turning to lead the way. His wing draped over her, as he always did, and held her to his side as they walked, feeling the sway of her steps tap against him.

They were twins and obviously close, side to side with their heads ducked together. And he only parted from her when they got to the water, bounding forward a little to reach the water first, walking across it as she liked to do and waiting for her. He turned with a smile, his wings flaring out almost naturally with his happiness. There. Better already, right? And he stomped his foot to splash her with a burst of laughter.