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+---- Thread: [open] oh you'll be strong, you'll hold on; any (/showthread.php?tid=13334)
oh you'll be strong, you'll hold on; any - Xero - 02-05-2017
Call me Xero.
I know. Weird, right? I asked my mom once what she was thinking naming me that. How could she name a kid something that meant nothingness, that meant emptiness and absence, like she was cursing me to nonexistence? To being the absentee older sister I’ve been, drifting out of the lives of my siblings when they were still so small, never quite reconnecting with most of them, never quite managing to be a part of their experience or their existence. The sister who barely was.
The sister who was all but forgotten, all but nothing to people who should have mattered more than anything.
Mom tilted her head, her brow furrowing the way it does when she’s puzzled or confused or deep in thought. “Because, baby girl,” she told me, and I’ll never forget what came next. “You were it for me. Like every moment that led to you, I was counting down, not knowing what would happen when the timer ran out. Five, four, three, two, one. I thought your Momma Luna was my life, you know? My whole life, my everything. And I didn’t get to meet your big brother until much later, didn’t really understand what it meant to be a mom until I looked at you. Zero. The big moment. The start of everything. I looked in your eyes, and I knew my whole life had just gotten so much bigger, baby. There was no more countdown, because every single moment mattered. Every single moment was zero.”
Turns out weird grows on you.
I still managed to be that absentee sister, never quite in touch, never quite a solid, tangible part of most of their lives. God, I hope that changes. But I’ve tried to make it all count, like Mom said. I spent a hell of a lot of it with her and Drow, though, and his little Dara. Close to one sibling, anyhow, even if the others have felt so far away. And he’s helped me reconnect with Dare - or Rys as she likes now. We’re still not close, per se, but...well, I’ll take closer. Baby steps, right?
I missed my chance with Tarnished. And...well, none of us but Drow ever had a chance with Dröm. Maybe it’s for the best I didn’t have a chance to love him. Strangelet’s somewhere out in the wide world, hopefully with Noctem still a part of her life, though goodness knows how she’s faring without her strange brand of magic-not-magic. Maybe she and Gendry found each other. I hope they’re together. Drow said they were always close, even when Strange was a tiny girl. And no one has seen either of them since...well, since Beqanna changed. Not the whole world, because I’ve learned it’s far bigger than just this land. But Beqanna has changed drastically since the last time I set foot here.
Maybe I’ve changed drastically too.
Hell. Maybe a fresh start is for the best.
Hello, Beqanna. I’m Xero. No more countdown. Let’s make every moment matter.
I step into the Meadow, blinking at the bright sunlight shining down on eyes that feel brand new. All of me feels brand new, and for once it’s nothing to do with Mom’s ability to patch up wear and tear, to wash away damage to our bodies in a wave of warmth and love. God, I miss her. It’s been years and I still ache, tears welling up when I remember...but I promised her I’d make the most I can out of the life she gave me, even if she’s not in it anymore. So I take a deep breath, close my eyes, and wish a little love her way, wherever her soul ended up. Whatever afterlife exists, I hope it’s a beautiful one. I hope she’s at peace. Maybe even with Momma Luna, after all this time.
Then I open my eyes and walk forward, into the first moment of the rest of my life.
RE: oh you'll be strong, you'll hold on; any - Uisce - 02-08-2017
When Beqanna changed, it swept my family off the map. It's easier, I think, to think of it like that instead of the alternative: they left me behind, ran for a place where their changing shapes and their wings could still follow. I've never been the jealous type, you see - I've always been happy enough with my lot in life, and my mother loved me fiercely from the moment that the deep green shadows of the Forest around us came into focus. But neither will I pretend that I didn't see the disappointment in her eyes when she realized I wouldn't be able to follow her into the sky. She grounded herself, and rarely changed her shape, until I was old enough to be alone; I am grateful to her for that.
But when I woke on the Mountain, rose shaky and confused with the others, heard the news - I knew I wouldn't be seeing her again for a very long time. She'd had another of my half-sisters at her side - a little purple thing flecked with teal and stars. I'd barely gotten to know her, but had no doubts that Mother had ushered her out of Beqanna long before I'd woke. As for the others - well, we've never been close enough to stick together.
It's not that I've been lonesome - living alone has never done wrong by me. I go where I want to go, speak to whom I want to speak. This was the habit before Beqanna reminded us all of her disappointment, and it continues to be now. The Meadow and the Forest were all I've ever really needed, and they changed very little in the wake of the upheaval, even if the same couldn't be said for the ebb and flow of the displaced. Unfamiliar faces are a constant in my life. I think, sometimes, that might be what keeps me from following the others elsewhere.
And here comes another!
The midday sun is hot on my back as I stand, knee-deep in the stream at the Meadow's edge, and watch a painted girl stride into the field with purpose in her step. I think it's purpose, anyway. I study her for a moment; she's got a brilliant fringe of yellow veiling her eyes, bright against the dark patches of her coat. She looks interesting, I decide, and not particularly busy, so I turn and pick my way onto the shore as she draws nearer.
"Looking for someone?" I call, whickering a greeting. The Meadow's not exactly crowded today - the summer sun tends to drive many of them into the shade of the Forest, I've noticed. My smile is hesitant. "Or just in a hurry to take a walk?" It's a lame joke, but she doesn't look like the snarling type - at least, I rather hope not.
OOC; This is a trashfire of a post but hey hi this is Uisce. Forgive me while I try to shake the rust off.